what do I do???

[PinkFizz]

I have 2 son's who live with their dad & I have themweekends.They have inherited their dad's vile temper,total racist attitude to anybody not white or British and the time with them varies from tolerable to sheer hell.They have no respect for me and bad mouth me constantly.To cut a long story short,the elder one asked for something on the phone last night which I had to say no to.This resulted in an evening of crude,despicable txts to me from both him and his dad,including things such as he hoped I would die and I was a wh*re.I have cried all night and feel dreadful.My partner says I should walk away as things will never change.I don't think they will either but they are my kids.What do I do??? p.s. sorry this is in b&s but I hope more people here can help. xxxx

[Mr Tall]

How old are your sons?.

[unruliejulie]

Hi PF, how old are you sons?
i dont think its realistic to say you should walk away because they are your responsibilty, not matter what the situation is at the present time. What do you say to them when they do this to you? If you let it go, you shouldn't. You are thier mother and they have NO right talking t you insuch a way.

I think you need to talk to their dad, alone, and try and bring it home to him about how badly they are turning out to be. Does he want them to wind up disliked with bad attitudes. If he does then i dont think he can love them very much.

[lilacben]

Hi Pinkfizz you certainly dont get an easy life one way or another do you, poor thing.Well thing is I know they are your sons but they sound awful. I expect that is why you parted from their dad if he is the same way. How old are they both.? I can only think being as they live with their dad anyway they are only going to get worse,he is poisoning their minds about you. How are they when with you and your partner at weekend.? would it not be an idea to prehaps say you dont want to see them for a couple of weeks if they are going to treat you like this.? Have a break and see if they and you want to try again. It must be heartbreaking for you but then again if they treat you so badly it is only making you very sad and miserable. hope this has been a little help. Brenda xx

[crete]

you do not take abuse from anyone even your sons, ensure they are unable to continue doing this by changing your tel no.it may seem hard but if allow them to continue they will assume this is acceptable behaviour.

[PinkFizz]

my son's are 13 and 16.The elder one is a big strapping thing and very intimidating.The younger one isnt quite so bad but I can see him turning out the same way.

[crete]

discontinue contact until they behave respectfully towards you. know it is hard but needs must.

[redcrx]

hi PF.
They sound like theyre being well brought up by their dad, i bet he must be so proud of them. :(

Have you tried going back to basics and ignoring any bad behaviour rewarding the good, its a bit 'supernanny for 5 year olds' but sounds like thats how they act. Completely blank them (and your ex) when they react like this as they obviously get some enjoyment out of it all.

Other than that i really cant offer any advice but i hope its sorted soon or they will never get on well in life with that sort of attitude.

[unruliejulie]

Seeing as they are older, you have to put your foot down and tell them until they start talking to you in an acceptable manner then you dont want to see them . See how that goes, im sure they'll miss their Mum if they know how angry and hurt you are by them. Or when they do come to your house at the weekend sit them down and give them a bloody good talking too, away from their dads influence,be assertive and let them know you're not messing around and you aren't going to take anymore.. If you can't get through to them then maybe you will just have to cut ties for the time being, for your own sanity.
I wish i could help you more, its a tough one
All the best XX jules

[PinkFizz]

The dad hates me with a veneagence couldn't care less if they see me or not.

[loobie]

Hi babe, so sorry that you're in this situation. I think lilacben and crete are right. I don't see why you should take the abuse just cause they are your sons. I know talking to your ex is no good cause we all know what he is like!! I think the only way is to threaten them with no contact. If that doesn't work then go the whole hog and don't talk to them for a short period until they learn that you deserve respect. They will soon learn how special their mum is. Big hugs babe xxx

[unruliejulie]

isn't there anyone, either a family member or a friend that could intervene for you and have words with them, how about a grandparent. ?

[PinkFizz]

I have sat them down numerous times and spoken to them really severely,but they just sit there smirking and going "blah blah blah". I honestly think I'm going to end up in a loony bin soon,and b/f says I am making myself ill,and even though they are my son's,it doesn't mean that they are nice people.

[unruliejulie]

I think you know the answer deep down then Pink.Do whats right for you. Maybe one day they will see the error of their ways and come to you. all the best XX

[PinkFizz]

Thank you all for you lovely replies.Yes I think that I will have to not see them for a while,maybe write them a letter and tell then why.I just feel guilty,god knows why.But I know that I can't go on like this.
xxx

[lilacben]

Me again Pinkfizz, well what you decide has to be what YOU want and as far as I can see you can do without all this agro and get on with your new life with your partner. As I said before tell them" you don't want to have them at weekends anymore until they can treat you better , as far as you can see they really do not want to be with you so why bother.!" and see what they make of that. At that horrible age they may decide not to see you for a while but will come round one day when they are older and will realise they only have one mum. wish I could do more for you but I am here if you need someone to talk to, you could have my number if you wanted to talk to me. but for now take care. love Brenda xx

[PinkFizz]

awww Brenda.thankyou for that.xxx

[jno]

as a general rule of thumb, all teenage children are horrible, especially boys. (Funnily enough, it wasn't always this way; but it is now.) Awful as it is to say it, I think you should distance yourself from them - the older one at least. As others have suggested, tell him you choose not to be treated this way and will not see him again until he learns respect. And make it plain to the younger one that the same will apply to him at the same age. It's dreadful when children and parents fall out, but it does happen, and I think after years of doing your best for them, it is time to put your own feelings first. This is not something you need to feel guilty about; nobody has to sacrifice their sanity for the sake of obnoxious children.

[peterd]

That is totally out of order, no matter what anybody told me , I would never text my mum calling her a wh*re or anything else for that matter. I don't know about yr situation but hope it gets resolved soon, seems the dad is twisting their minds though.

[PinkFizz]

I have just called my mum to tell her the situation and she has now got the totally wrong end of the stick and is asking my son called me a wh*re and asked me if I have put pics of myself on the internet!!! I told her not to be so ridiculous but she has now got a bee in her bonnet!! Grrrrr.......gona be one of those weeks!

[lilacben]

oh dear Fizz how did your mum come to that conculsion.! is she very old.? sorry shouldnt have asked that but she sounds like my mother-in-law (82) gets the wrong end of the stick. Think it may be best to stay talking to us. ha ha love Brenda xx