Am I Being Used ?

[tamaris]

I have a friend who I do like, although she can be a bit of a snob at times.
She is always setting up meetings for coffee, cinema etc etc and very often will then call and say she can't make it for some reason, it is happening more and more.
She calls me several times a week for a chat. I know she doesn't want to end the friendship.
Another good friend of mine says she is not acting like a proper friend. What do you all make of this, and what would you do ?

[tamaris]

Thank you Happyone2, nice to get the other side of it x

[joko]

what are her reasons?

people have lives to live and sometimes things happen and take precedence over social things

if she is just saying stuff like she cant be bothered then yes be annoyed but if she has genuine reasons then you should be a friend to her and accept that, to her, her life comes first.
the fact that she rings you and makes arrangements shows she wants to be in touch with you - its not like she is avoiding you

friendship is about give and take, and real friends can go weeks or months without seeing each other, and still be friends -
if you are thinking of 'dumping' someone simply because their life and lifestyle doesn't suit what you want, and you are not getting things your way, then it is you that is not acting as a proper friend ...

[tamaris]

Joko, she will ask to meet for coffee and then say she is meeting someone else instead, this has happened several times.

[boxtops]

I'd be miffed about that, tamaris - as if the other person is more important than you are. I agree with nibble's suggestion. You need to start suggesting to her that you have to look in your diary when she suggests a date, so she realises that you do have other commitments with other friends and acquaintances, too. Always being available to her doesn't do you any favours.

[jim360]

That puts a whole different complexion on the entire issue. If you book a date and then book a second one on the same day, at the same time, that's just plain rude. Initially I'd imagined her cancelling due to e.g. illness, or some unexpected work stopping her, or an impromptu family occasion, or a number of unforeseeable circumstances that could well be genuine. If some other friend says to her "hey, want a coffee this evening?" she really should be saying that she can't as she already has something sorted for the evening, rather than cancelling the already-arranged meeting with you.

It suddenly looks a lot worse, anyway, than it did before. I wouldn't necessarily cut off all contact, but I'd certainly be tempted to draw some sort of line about this. It's just rude.

[tamaris]

Just what I thought, rude, as if I am only wanted as a second choice

[~Wingnut~]

With that last bit you've put she certainly sounds like she only wants to be friends and see/speak to you when she wants to. Bit one sided and not in my opinion how friendships work. When she does ring you is it to see/hear how you are or just to moan to you about her problems? I've known people like this and I tend to distance myself from them eventually as I have enough things of my own going on without others offloading theirs on to me! I usually find I'm much happier too!
Personally if a friend kept cancelling last min to see a different friend I would be busy the next time they called!

[tamaris]

That is the gist of it Wingnut, I think she is getting the message, as I had told her a film was on at the local cinema that she wanted to see, I said that I could not go as I already had a day out planned with some friends, interestingly enough she rang me that same morning to ask could I meet her for coffee and I said I had already told her I had a date (she never forgets my comings and goings normally) and she said oh yes I forgot you had said that, this one was a new one on me, she has never done that before.

[~Wingnut~]

Heh sounds like she expects you to do as she does and dump other friends for her when she wants you so couldn't understand you not doing it. Her ringing on the day was to be blase about it to you (I suspect) to make it look as if it was so unimportant to her that she had forgotten, probably all because you wouldnt say you would quit those plans to be with her. She doesn't sound like a nice friend at all.

[tamaris]

Thank you Wingnut, I suspect you may be right x