How did you get through it?

[steadyjack]

It's my 1st Christmas without my wife this year. I'm a widower. I know it's only 2 weeks holiday with Dec 25th being just 'one more day' but I can't face it. I'm talking to someone about grief and she's helping me, but as each night draws us closer to the 25th I'm sinking into depression. What did others do about their 1st Christmas alone?

[Schutzengel]

Hello Jack, Poor you. I'm so sorry about the loss of you wife. Do you have any children, or support from other family. I does help a bit if you can keep occupied on the day. If you feel you are sinking into depression, I would make an appointment with your doctor, he will probably be able to help you. It's so hard especially at this time of year.
If you feel like talking, you will always find lots of nice people on this site who are caring, and willing to talk to you.
You will be in my thoughts. God Bless.

[Nosha123]

Sorry to hear about your loss Jack. Just concentrate about each day one at a time - it certainly wont be a happy occasion for you - you may want to do something private - or commemorative in her memory - like planting a rose or lighting a candle for her in your local Church (even if you arent religious). My cousin lost her little girl aged 6 some years back - and the first xmas is always the worst. It does get easier though - corny but it is true! Just focus on waking up in the morning, getting washed, getting dressed, eating and go on from there. If you prefer company - surround yourselves with friends that day - if you think the festive cheer might be enough to distract you! All the very best - as each day, week and month goes by it will get easier. Promise

[steadyjack]

I'm lucky to have a son and a daughter, but they're grown up and I don't want them to feel they HAVE to hang around me. I've met some kind and caring people online. You're right about me needing to go to the doctor. I'm beginning to feel ill and I haven't got a cold or flu, but the effort of getting up and getting through each day is hard.
Thank you for answering Schutzengel.

[steadyjack]

Nosha, I couldn't imagine losing one of my children. All these 1st anniversaries have been hard but Christmas is 100 times worse. Maybe it's the jolly music and tinsel and trees, but even shopping is painful. I want her back with me.

[Connemmara]

my sister lost her only son/child 4 years ago and she wont talk about it - but it affects me even though I am not married and no children. Last night I had a cry about him and today was the same - somehow you go through the motions and get through the day.

Please lean on your children - they probably want to help you but dont know how to do it since they have lost their mother. Surround yourself with company at least for part of the day.

For the sake of talking my lovely friend in America lost her second son in June this year and her first son in 1992 - so there are lot of people just like you - very sad!!!!

[tigwig]

Really sorry to hear about your loss. Others are right, stick with your children. Surely they need you as much as you need them?
My mum in law died last year and last Christmas was the first without her. My hubby and me and his sister would not have let their dad be alone and I'm sure your children will feel exactly the same.
The day was hard but we were busy cooking and preparing everything and the kids were just normal!
Are you on any medication? You may need extra help at this time of year.
If your kids have already made plans then you could always do some voluntary work on the day that would keep you really busy and take your mind off it by helping others.
Hope you feel a bit more positive soon, it does get easier. We are always here to 'listen'. Take care.

[zzxxee]

maybe you could do some volentary work xmas day so you wont be alone and would feel you are giveing something back, and feel a sense of worth your local council will help you with different organisations

[Sachs]

steady, so sorry xxx
I think it would be a good thing to see your doctor. Perhaps they will give you something to take the edge off your grief. I'm so sorry xxx

[elcee45]

Hi Jack, I am so sorry to hear about your loss, my husband of 40 years died last year on the 30th November, so this is my second Christmas alone, last year passed in a blur but this year like you I am finding it really hard.Your family could help you through this difficult time, I am sure they are missing their mum also, I like you don't want to be a burden on them but I am sure they don't look on it like that. Don't be on your own that day.
Your life and my life as it was, died when our partners died but I am sure they would not want us to be sad and depressed, in time you will be able to look back on all the happy times.
Regards, Louise

[Lakitu]

Hi Jack xx

Your children most likely do not feel they HAVE to hang around, being with you will be as comforting to them as it will be for you xx

[123everton]

My heart goes out to you, the first year is always the hardest.
There are gropus you could join like perhaps The Salvation Army (does'nt have to be them or particuarly religious) who help others all year round, you could work for the Samaritans.
You have a lot of love to give and there are a lot of unfortunate people out there, you have a lot of experience to draw upon which may prove beneficial to them.

[steadyjack]

Thank you to all of you. I've had a particularly bad day today. I can't find any reason for it, but I've hit rock bottom. My doc prescribed anti depressants today but I haven't taken one yet. Is that a slippery slope taking those sorts of drugs?

I've agreed to be with my son and daughter. They won't have it any other way.

[wolf63]

Take the tablets - they are not a magic cure but they will help you to cope.

Best wishes for the coming weeks.

[888sally888]

Jack - this will be my mum's 4th Christmas without my wonderful dad and I love spending time with her.

Christmas is no different - we have always spent it together as a family and I have NEVER considered her a burden at all.

You sound a lovely man and I am sure that your children love spending time with you and need you as much as you need them.

[123everton]

Don't take the tablets if you can avoid it, you're unhappy for a reason it's only natural to feel low so soon afterwards.
You're reaching out to people and your expressing your feelings, sounds to me like you've started down the road to recovery, even though you might'nt feel that way right now.

[peachy51]

Hi Jack,

It will be my Mum's 1st xmas with out Dad this year also, so my heart goes out to you from all my family.... It was my 1st birthday with out dad a few weeks ago, buts yeah its tough, Next week wouldve been their 50th Anniversary too so we also have that day to try to get through, Im going to my mums for xmas along with my brother, my other brother is in Oz and my mums going there for 3 months after xmas ,

Whatever you do on Xmas day Jack , we will be thinking about you .. take care xxx

[ummmm]

I don't mean to sound morbid. This is my first xmas without my Dad and I absolutely adored him. I just think that you should let yourself be miserable. It's called grieving so let it take it's course. I had months where I could barely smile but in time you find you're laughing again. Although I no longer believe that time is a healer I just think in time you get use to it. It still hurts just as much every time I think of him.

[pusskin]

Hello jack -- I am so glad to hear that you wont be on your own on xmas day, thats brilliant news.!!!
You, your son and daughter can take comfort from each other, and understand how each other feels.
This is my 2nd xmas with out my lovely older sister , who died on xmas day , while on a very short holiday in spain.
We waved her off at the airport the day before she died.
Cherish the happy memories jack , bless you

[terambulan]

I lost my OH whose birthday is Christmas day. We were wed 40y. It's awful, like losing limbs and a dull ache. You have to try to fill your life with other things; try not to go down and anti-depressant path is they can become addictive and you still have to face life when they wear off.

This site is a good distraction - even though I sometimes get into hot water but sei levie (however that's spelt).

I shall cook (whether the kids come or not) as there's always the dogs to feed. Pets are great company albeit demanding.

[elcee45]

I am glad you have agreed to be with your son and daughter, you will have days that are worse than others, and you will always miss your wife but in time you will be able to look back at the good times and the hurt will not be so bad. There is never a day goes by that I do not think and long for my husband but slowly I am being able to cope.
Take care
Louise