ChatterBank1 min ago
My Dad
42 Answers
Thanks to all who answered on my thread below. I'm afaid dad passed away yesterday morning. Sadly, we weren't with him at the time. he had been in very good spirits in the morning and had said he was just going to have a sleep so mum and I had gone out to have a break and a coffee. I feel terrible about this even though the doctor says it would have made no difference, it was probably a massive stroke and would have been quick and peaceful.
I still haven't taken it in and i don't know if it's right for me to be on here but i can't sleep and was just going crazy lying in the dark. I knew this was coming and i thought Iwas prepared but I didn't think for a minute it would be so soon.
I still haven't taken it in and i don't know if it's right for me to be on here but i can't sleep and was just going crazy lying in the dark. I knew this was coming and i thought Iwas prepared but I didn't think for a minute it would be so soon.
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Hello yinyang - I am so, so, sorry to hear about your dear Dad & can imagine the emptiness you're feeling right now.
Please don't feel guilty about not being with your Dad when he went to sleep, it was meant to be that way.
It happened to me with my Mum, Dad & sister. It took me a long time to come to terms with not being there with them at the time, but I now realise that they never leave you & are always in your heart.
Arms around you & we're all here for you....
Deepest sympathy.
-xx-
Please don't feel guilty about not being with your Dad when he went to sleep, it was meant to be that way.
It happened to me with my Mum, Dad & sister. It took me a long time to come to terms with not being there with them at the time, but I now realise that they never leave you & are always in your heart.
Arms around you & we're all here for you....
Deepest sympathy.
-xx-
Sorry to hear that.
You know often when people die those closest to them beat themselves up over it even though they know that it's silly.
Could we have done something?
Could we have got them to Hospital sooner?
Why wasn't I with them at the end?
Remember it's very natural to have those sorts of thoughts but I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to think like that would he?
So every time you get a thought like that just try and move onto something else and don't beat yourself up.
Sounds like your father had a fairly quick and painless exit and personally I'd be pleased if I thought I'd get to go like that when the time comes
You know often when people die those closest to them beat themselves up over it even though they know that it's silly.
Could we have done something?
Could we have got them to Hospital sooner?
Why wasn't I with them at the end?
Remember it's very natural to have those sorts of thoughts but I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to think like that would he?
So every time you get a thought like that just try and move onto something else and don't beat yourself up.
Sounds like your father had a fairly quick and painless exit and personally I'd be pleased if I thought I'd get to go like that when the time comes
My deepest sympathies and condolences.
My father passed away in 2000. We were told on the Tuesday that he wasn't going to get better and on the Wednesday evening he was gone.
Even though you know it is coming, you never prepare for it.
Just remember your dad as you would always like to remember him.
For me, it is the image of my dad coming in from work, still wearing his filthy work gear and lifting both my twin and I up for a hug.
Time is a healer in this case yingyang and things will get better.
Best wishes,
K
My father passed away in 2000. We were told on the Tuesday that he wasn't going to get better and on the Wednesday evening he was gone.
Even though you know it is coming, you never prepare for it.
Just remember your dad as you would always like to remember him.
For me, it is the image of my dad coming in from work, still wearing his filthy work gear and lifting both my twin and I up for a hug.
Time is a healer in this case yingyang and things will get better.
Best wishes,
K
hi yingyang
my dad as in hospital for the last two weels of his life, organ failure and gangrene in his leg, the hospital staff were wonderful and made him very comfortable, he was on morphine and everytime me and my brother went to visit he was quite jovial, we visited the same time each morning and evening, then one morning we decided we would go a little later that day, and that was the morning we got the call from hospital to say dad had passed away - peacefully. But I take comfort from the fact that dad wouldnt of wanted us to see him pass over and so he chose that time to go. Take care your dad knew how much you all loved him xxxx
my dad as in hospital for the last two weels of his life, organ failure and gangrene in his leg, the hospital staff were wonderful and made him very comfortable, he was on morphine and everytime me and my brother went to visit he was quite jovial, we visited the same time each morning and evening, then one morning we decided we would go a little later that day, and that was the morning we got the call from hospital to say dad had passed away - peacefully. But I take comfort from the fact that dad wouldnt of wanted us to see him pass over and so he chose that time to go. Take care your dad knew how much you all loved him xxxx
Thank you everyone. I appreciate your words of kindness more than I can say.
Just come on for a breather after a day of filling in forms and making arrangements with mum. No matter how many times I go over the details officially it still does not seem real at all.
Probably the most surreal moment was when we were registering the death. the assistant asked if dad's mum was still alive and mum glanced at her watch and said' No, her funeral is taking place as we speak.
I know so many or you have been through this either in the past or very recently and is comforting to know I am not alone. I do still feel incredible guilt for not being there
although the rational part of me knows it would have made no difference.
You are right about people picking their times. It was my mum's 60th birthday and on sunday the whole family gathered together including some we had not seen for months ;to celebrate. Because dad wasn't able to get to the shops I chose a bracelet to give her on his behalf. I'm sure he held off to make sure her birthday was happy and she had some nice memories.
As always, my husband stayed by by mum and my sides all day and took over the things we weren't up to.Without him none of us would known where to begin. Tomorrow is his birthday and although he says he just wants to ignore it I am determined not to. He deserves everything we can do for him and the girls want to celebrate their daddies birthday. We owe it to them to try and give them good memories.
Anyway, I'm rambling on but feel better for it. Thank you again. x
Just come on for a breather after a day of filling in forms and making arrangements with mum. No matter how many times I go over the details officially it still does not seem real at all.
Probably the most surreal moment was when we were registering the death. the assistant asked if dad's mum was still alive and mum glanced at her watch and said' No, her funeral is taking place as we speak.
I know so many or you have been through this either in the past or very recently and is comforting to know I am not alone. I do still feel incredible guilt for not being there
although the rational part of me knows it would have made no difference.
You are right about people picking their times. It was my mum's 60th birthday and on sunday the whole family gathered together including some we had not seen for months ;to celebrate. Because dad wasn't able to get to the shops I chose a bracelet to give her on his behalf. I'm sure he held off to make sure her birthday was happy and she had some nice memories.
As always, my husband stayed by by mum and my sides all day and took over the things we weren't up to.Without him none of us would known where to begin. Tomorrow is his birthday and although he says he just wants to ignore it I am determined not to. He deserves everything we can do for him and the girls want to celebrate their daddies birthday. We owe it to them to try and give them good memories.
Anyway, I'm rambling on but feel better for it. Thank you again. x
Yingyang
Come on here and talk with us as often as you feel you need.
You know the say "It's good to talk" and as you said yourself, it makes you feel better.
WE are all her to support you and everyone needs that sometime in their lifetime.
Hope you get a decent night's sleep and also wish you all a nice day for your Husband's birthday tomorrow. Make it special for him and the girls. Including your Mum too. x
Come on here and talk with us as often as you feel you need.
You know the say "It's good to talk" and as you said yourself, it makes you feel better.
WE are all her to support you and everyone needs that sometime in their lifetime.
Hope you get a decent night's sleep and also wish you all a nice day for your Husband's birthday tomorrow. Make it special for him and the girls. Including your Mum too. x
Yinyang: I would like to share something with you, as well with others who have had a loved one pass when they were not there.
I�ve had the honour of sitting with countless individuals as they made their transition from this life to the next. The age groups range from small children to the elderly. In fact, yesterday, I celebrated the lives of two people whom I cared for.
Over the past four or five years, I�ve had countless rhetorical discussions about the fact that so many people pass during brief moments when there is no one with them. And whilst I know of no known scientific study about this, I believe there are others who may be noticing the same interesting parallels.
I�ve asked myself at times, as I sat holding the hands of an elderly person I did not know, what had their life been like and what experiences had they encountered in their journeys. Had they been extroverts? Had they been private people? Had they enjoyed being in groups, or did they prefer the interactions of just being with one or two close friends. And I often wonder to myself, does this individual � this person who is full of their own individuality, experiences, and knowledge, really want me there as they begin this transition.
Continued:
I�ve had the honour of sitting with countless individuals as they made their transition from this life to the next. The age groups range from small children to the elderly. In fact, yesterday, I celebrated the lives of two people whom I cared for.
Over the past four or five years, I�ve had countless rhetorical discussions about the fact that so many people pass during brief moments when there is no one with them. And whilst I know of no known scientific study about this, I believe there are others who may be noticing the same interesting parallels.
I�ve asked myself at times, as I sat holding the hands of an elderly person I did not know, what had their life been like and what experiences had they encountered in their journeys. Had they been extroverts? Had they been private people? Had they enjoyed being in groups, or did they prefer the interactions of just being with one or two close friends. And I often wonder to myself, does this individual � this person who is full of their own individuality, experiences, and knowledge, really want me there as they begin this transition.
Continued:
Part 2
And I�ve pondered the same thing when I�ve sat with families, who were filled with sadness, as they waited, always full of hope, but moving to acceptance that in a very short time, the person they loved would no longer be there and they would have to take the next steps of moving to acceptance of this passing. I�ve experienced family members stepping out of the room for a brief moment, only to see that was the moment that the individual passed.
And on more occasions than I could ever begin to share here, I have had related to me, and experienced myself in my own loved ones passing, that the passing has occurred either on notable dates or times within that individual�s life. For example: my uncle passed on Christmas Eve, just a matter of hours before I was to celebrate the Midnight Mass. What was notable about this is that my grandfather passed on the same day and time, many years before. I experienced those who have been together for over 50 years, have their spouse pass on their wedding anniversary, or on the birth date of a child, etc. The statistical numbers are much too high to simply ignore.
But this phenomena of loved ones passing when family members are not in the room, or clearly fighting to hang on until a loved one arrives, or even passing before family members arrive, suggest to me some rather powerful, an indeed poignant thoughts.
My first thought is that perhaps those I sometimes have the occasion to sit with, whose bodies are tired and all visible sparks of activity are no more than warm embers, would like to make this transition on their own. I say this, with my own beliefs that whether their bodies are frail, their spirits are as strong as ever. And that strength carries all of their personality, love, experiences, and especially their own spiritual will. It may be that their spiritual will is clamouring to rise up, to leave this earthly plain and to begin their transition. <
And I�ve pondered the same thing when I�ve sat with families, who were filled with sadness, as they waited, always full of hope, but moving to acceptance that in a very short time, the person they loved would no longer be there and they would have to take the next steps of moving to acceptance of this passing. I�ve experienced family members stepping out of the room for a brief moment, only to see that was the moment that the individual passed.
And on more occasions than I could ever begin to share here, I have had related to me, and experienced myself in my own loved ones passing, that the passing has occurred either on notable dates or times within that individual�s life. For example: my uncle passed on Christmas Eve, just a matter of hours before I was to celebrate the Midnight Mass. What was notable about this is that my grandfather passed on the same day and time, many years before. I experienced those who have been together for over 50 years, have their spouse pass on their wedding anniversary, or on the birth date of a child, etc. The statistical numbers are much too high to simply ignore.
But this phenomena of loved ones passing when family members are not in the room, or clearly fighting to hang on until a loved one arrives, or even passing before family members arrive, suggest to me some rather powerful, an indeed poignant thoughts.
My first thought is that perhaps those I sometimes have the occasion to sit with, whose bodies are tired and all visible sparks of activity are no more than warm embers, would like to make this transition on their own. I say this, with my own beliefs that whether their bodies are frail, their spirits are as strong as ever. And that strength carries all of their personality, love, experiences, and especially their own spiritual will. It may be that their spiritual will is clamouring to rise up, to leave this earthly plain and to begin their transition. <
Part 3
My second thought of those who pass when their loved ones are not in the room: I think back, again, to my own experiences: that loved one � that compassionate, loving, full-of-life individual I love, may be wanting to help me move on myself, by showing me how easy that transition is. But through our own sorrows, and our own perceptions of death, we aren�t able to see this, and instead, cause what is meant to be a beautiful spiritual message, to become a weight upon us, which bears heavily upon us for years and years, until we make our own transitions.
And whilst this is certainly not my final thought on the subject, I also am in deep wonderment at times, when I sit with families who, again are full of hope � if not some degree of desperation, praying, encouraging, cajoling and almost demanding that the person they love �hold on, not give up, don�t leave, be strong.� Does our own need, desires, and fears of being left behind, draw a veil over what that person�s soul really wants to do, and perhaps more so, wants us to see.
Death is the only event, which we can predict with absolute certainty, and yet it is the event, about which the majority of human beings refuse to think about, at all, until faced with the imminent and personal issue. More often than not, we are afraid to acknowledge that this is another beginning.
The truth is; that dying is as natural as living. The famous psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, even suggested that we should prepare for dying, as we would prepare for a birth, with excitement and a sense of expectation.
Continued:
My second thought of those who pass when their loved ones are not in the room: I think back, again, to my own experiences: that loved one � that compassionate, loving, full-of-life individual I love, may be wanting to help me move on myself, by showing me how easy that transition is. But through our own sorrows, and our own perceptions of death, we aren�t able to see this, and instead, cause what is meant to be a beautiful spiritual message, to become a weight upon us, which bears heavily upon us for years and years, until we make our own transitions.
And whilst this is certainly not my final thought on the subject, I also am in deep wonderment at times, when I sit with families who, again are full of hope � if not some degree of desperation, praying, encouraging, cajoling and almost demanding that the person they love �hold on, not give up, don�t leave, be strong.� Does our own need, desires, and fears of being left behind, draw a veil over what that person�s soul really wants to do, and perhaps more so, wants us to see.
Death is the only event, which we can predict with absolute certainty, and yet it is the event, about which the majority of human beings refuse to think about, at all, until faced with the imminent and personal issue. More often than not, we are afraid to acknowledge that this is another beginning.
The truth is; that dying is as natural as living. The famous psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, even suggested that we should prepare for dying, as we would prepare for a birth, with excitement and a sense of expectation.
Continued:
Part 4
For those who are carrying weights of regret over having not been with someone you love when they made their transition, perhaps as you think back to the personality of that individual, you may discover that their passing at that moment was actually a more powerful message than you could ever have imagined at the time. But as time passes, the beauty of that message slowly moves from the forefront of your mind, to the depths of your heart, where understanding, awareness, and peace are always the greatest.
I wish each of you peace in your journeys.
Fr Bill
For those who are carrying weights of regret over having not been with someone you love when they made their transition, perhaps as you think back to the personality of that individual, you may discover that their passing at that moment was actually a more powerful message than you could ever have imagined at the time. But as time passes, the beauty of that message slowly moves from the forefront of your mind, to the depths of your heart, where understanding, awareness, and peace are always the greatest.
I wish each of you peace in your journeys.
Fr Bill
I'm truly sorry for your loss, it is never an easy time whether it is expected or not.
20 years ago I was alone with my dad when he had a massive heart attack, for years I wondered if there was something I could have done, I've always known that I couldn't but there still remains a nagging doubt.
2 years ago on xmas day, I lost my mum to cancer, I chose not to visit as I wanted to rember who she was not who she had become, she was merely a shell, the spirit had left. I spent the day with my young son, I know she would have wanted that.
People choose when they want to leave and here is a poem from Christina Rossetti, I think it's what most people would want.
REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
20 years ago I was alone with my dad when he had a massive heart attack, for years I wondered if there was something I could have done, I've always known that I couldn't but there still remains a nagging doubt.
2 years ago on xmas day, I lost my mum to cancer, I chose not to visit as I wanted to rember who she was not who she had become, she was merely a shell, the spirit had left. I spent the day with my young son, I know she would have wanted that.
People choose when they want to leave and here is a poem from Christina Rossetti, I think it's what most people would want.
REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
Oh, yinyang, love, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Just rest assured in the memory of your dear Dad & how much he loved you and was loved by you. It's never easy and the memories will never go away, but you will, in time, remember all the happy moments you had together and how much he enriched your life. I really don't know what else to say at this sad time for you, but you and your family are in my thoughts - may your God bless you all. Love, K xx
Amonty: That was sweet of you to post. I share this poem often at funerals.
I know most of you are familiar with the famous poem 'Death is Nothing at All.' However, as I read so much pain across the breadth of this thread, I would like to share it with you all as a faithful reminder. Whatever your faith, the poignant words speak for the human spirit:
The former Canon of St Paul�s London, Henry Scott Holland, wrote the now famous elegy Death is Nothing at All. Canon Holland was a Regius Professor of Divinity at Oxford University when his own mother died. It was this sad event that prompted him to set pen to his own thoughts.
Death is nothing at all... it does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.
Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
And the old life we lived so fondly together
Is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other; that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way, which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed,
at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me; pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
just around the corner. All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
And oh how we shall laugh at the trouble of parting
I know most of you are familiar with the famous poem 'Death is Nothing at All.' However, as I read so much pain across the breadth of this thread, I would like to share it with you all as a faithful reminder. Whatever your faith, the poignant words speak for the human spirit:
The former Canon of St Paul�s London, Henry Scott Holland, wrote the now famous elegy Death is Nothing at All. Canon Holland was a Regius Professor of Divinity at Oxford University when his own mother died. It was this sad event that prompted him to set pen to his own thoughts.
Death is nothing at all... it does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.
Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
And the old life we lived so fondly together
Is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other; that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way, which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed,
at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me; pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
just around the corner. All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
And oh how we shall laugh at the trouble of parting
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