Mother Problem

[pinkiefriend]

I'm having huge problems with my mother right now. Recently we fell out for 5 months and I hated it but last week we made up and I was delighted. Unfortunately we had a mix up about me visiting her, and we fell out again (Total Nightmare). When we fall out, she never get's in touch, she never tries to sort things out with me and she blames me for everything saying that it's all my fault that we are not speaking, I'm a bad daughter for not visiting her enough although she makes no effort to make up or contact me, it's all up to me. Then last week, I got home from work and she had left an answer on my A-machine saying the worst things thinkable, all about personal stuff that I had confided in her about my boyfriend, not even about me, hurtful things. Anyway my boyfriend was quite hurt about it, these things she said could really have damaged him, not only that but she slagged of his mother too. I don't know what to do, she has never acted like this before and this is major. Anyway, I then phoned her up, she didn't answer so I left a message just asking where we go from here, that I really love her and I don't know why she has done this but she has really damaged things for us. She then phoned me back saying that we were going no where from here, and that she was going to phone this person and that person and tell them personal stuff about me, things that would harm my position at work. I hung up. But this is us just made up after 5 months, I don't want to be motherless but I feel she had destroyed everything. I am planning visiting her tonight and having it out with her but I am worried that we wont get anywhere and this could be the end of our relationship as mother and daughter.

I know I have rambled on a bit, this is a serious issue for me. I hope you can understand.

[woofgang]

Pinkie, you may not like what I am going to say but this sounds like a very controlling lady. Could she have any kind of psychological condition or anything in her past that makes her behave like this? Does she do it to other people or only you?

Has she always been like this or is it recent or tied to something that has happened (loss of a friend, you leaving home, that kind of thing)

Does she like to be "at war" with people?

Could it be that the less control that she feels that she has over you, the worse she behaves?

Do you have anyone who could act as a neutral faciltator for any discussion? or could you perhaps write to her to explain your puzzlement at her behaviour, that you don't want to lose your Mum but her behaviour is hurtful and unnacceptable and will lead places that neitheryou or she probably want to go

Sadly you can't make her behave differently and if you continue to make the "making up" running, what you are telling her is that her behaviour is paying off.

....and yes it may be the end of your relationship

[maggie01]

she seems to be trying to manipulate you. The best thing you can do in my opinion is to write her a letter saying how much this upsets you. If  she takes no notice then maybe you just have to keep your distance for a while and hope she comes round. It obviously isn't making you happy trying to do the right thing. I hope you sort thing out but remember you have a life to live too. Good Luck

[rampart]

Pinkie,

What a terrible mess. Well, I do not know how you can handle your situation, but I do hope you try to find a resolution to maintain the relationship. It may not be possible, but do try, and you might have to take a bit of her wrath a time or two when you do not deserve it. But the older we get, the stronger we get. If you try but fail, it is better than not trying at all. I have no suggestions on how to try, except that it might be best to not have a discussion on who did what, but instead focus on going forward.

On another note, should she telephone your friends and tell wicked secrets, keep this in mind: if I received such a telephone call, my opinion of the caller would be low, not the subject of the call. Things like that just are not done in good society. We all have our little baskets of dirty laundry, and when somebody else airs them on your behalf, it is often more damaging to the one who divulged it.

Be careful sharing further secrets with her.

Your mother might be jealous of your relationship with the boyfriend, thinking it takes you further away from her. Perhaps that is why she made comments about his mother. I hope your boyfriend will put your relationship with him first, and her words second. Most of us have a relative or two who impact the relationship. Just keep your priorities.

Best of luck to you.

[Emily Ball]

I cannot conceive of falling out with my daughter at all, let alone for five months, so I tend to agree with woofgang that your mother sounds very controlling. Many mothers find it hard to relinquish control of their offspring when they are old enough to leave home and start a new phase of their life with a partner but the kind of behaviour you describe sounds malicious and very childish and not what most mothers would indulge in, however much they felt neglected by their daughter, or disapproved of their boyfriend. (Of course, if you are  sweet sixteen and have been lured away from home by a lascivious old lech I might begin to sympathise with her!) When next you speak to her don't allow yourself to be drawn into any slanging matches or recriminations. Stay calm and cool and show that at least one of you is mature enough to rise above such pettiness. Don't be the one to break off the relationship but neither must you allow her to make you feel anxious or guilty. Respect and consideration is a two-way thing.

[newtron]

It sounds like your mother is just playing mind games and trying to get a reaction out of you.  You need to show her that she is not going to get a reaction out of you and that you have more important things to do than play stupid mind games with her.  When she is saying hateful things to you, just be calm and don't show that is bothering you (even if it is  on the inside).  Then basically ignore her and get on with your life.  She'll come around.

[missmooncat]

Is she going through menopause if you know?My mum went bit cuckoo when she did,she attacked me with knife at one point.She went into hospital had a hysterectomy and was fine after that,she didn`t remember much about her performances.This may be something to do with it ,if she was ok before and has changed.Hormones can really muck up your head

[blanx]

Just love her.  Mine died last month and I wish she was here now.  Don't waste precious time falling out with her.  Mums are only human, they have their faults and and foibles just like daughters do, but they are still our Mum's and they won't be around for ever, so make the most of them while they are xxx