Home & Garden0 min ago
The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped. I only had a 9 iron but I still got it well over the shed.
***************** I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer came across... ...
***************** I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer came across... ...
I've finally found the courage to open the first door on my Oscar Pistorius advent calendar! _____ My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage…
I take that as a... ...
I take that as a... ...
A pantomime horse walks into a bar. The barman says ‘Fancy a pint?’ The horse says ‘No, two halves, thanks.’
I was standing in a queue behind a very big fat woman with a huge ***. When her phone started to bleep, a little boy behind her shouted: "Watch out, she's reversing." ___ Jesus Christ was... ...
Advice needed please. I'm lucky enough to be on holiday from Dec 26th to Jan 15th and would love to go to a quiet beach, without crowds, preferably in the Caribbean or Indian Ocean. Ideally a child... ...
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
___
I wrote a book about an amazing basement.
.It was a best cellar.
___
I ordered a Hans Solo steak at a... ...
So they called it a day.
___
I wrote a book about an amazing basement.
.It was a best cellar.
___
I ordered a Hans Solo steak at a... ...
I was at the airport the other day and a bloke fainted face down on the baggage carousel….. He came around eventually.
Wife asked me why the fridge was full of stir fry!
I told her I must have been sleep wokking aagain. ___ Which girl is best at keeping a secret?
Chantelle. ___ I'm not going back to the gym.
First... ...
I told her I must have been sleep wokking aagain. ___ Which girl is best at keeping a secret?
Chantelle. ___ I'm not going back to the gym.
First... ...
One of my nephews is deaf - hears the bass notes only...he also loves to act the fool/comedian and can turn on the 'stunted' speech at ease. He will have a field day with this - and he lives in... ...
My wife left me due to my obsession with football. We've been married for 15 seasons..
Me: I can't see my penis because my stomach is so big.
Doctor: You should diet.
Me: Okay but what colour! ___ I got onto a plane at the airport this morning and it had an aisle that went on for ages....
Doctor: You should diet.
Me: Okay but what colour! ___ I got onto a plane at the airport this morning and it had an aisle that went on for ages....
...beer and making love in a canoe have in common? They're both 'king close to water😁
My boss said to me: "Why do you come out in a rash when I give you your wages?"
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!" ___ Stupid driver next to me is putting on makeup!
I was so shocked I... ...
I said: "It's because I'm allergic to peanuts!" ___ Stupid driver next to me is putting on makeup!
I was so shocked I... ...
Fancied a microwave ready meal for lunch and it said pierce film in several places. So far I’ve been to Prestatyn, Rhyl, Llandudno and now on my way to Anglesey and still haven’t eaten. How many... ...
I was going to cook a surprise Korean meal for the wife today.
But someone let the cat out of the bag! ___ Went to see a fortune teller last week and she told me a lot of money would be coming my... ...
But someone let the cat out of the bag! ___ Went to see a fortune teller last week and she told me a lot of money would be coming my... ...
I've just bought a wonderful piece of kitchen equipment that plays Nocturne No. 2 in E flat when it's used.
Yes, I've got a new Chopin board.
Yes, I've got a new Chopin board.
I'm developing a new method of air crew training.
It's just a pilot scheme at the moment. ___ I watched a series about a tennis bribery scandal.
It was on Net fix. ___ I’m going to a deodorant party... ...
It's just a pilot scheme at the moment. ___ I watched a series about a tennis bribery scandal.
It was on Net fix. ___ I’m going to a deodorant party... ...
Last Christmas I got my wife some I speak your weight scales.
She got on them & it said "1 person at a time" ___ Do I like to make maths-related jokes?
Sum times. ___ Police were suspicious when the... ...
She got on them & it said "1 person at a time" ___ Do I like to make maths-related jokes?
Sum times. ___ Police were suspicious when the... ...
I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop…
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill!
___
For my age I have a lot going for me…
My eyes are going, my knees are going, my back is... ...
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill!
___
For my age I have a lot going for me…
My eyes are going, my knees are going, my back is... ...
I went to buy some apples oranges and grapes at the supermarket, but the shelves were bare, it turned out to be a fruitless journey
