ChatterBank0 min ago
Childrens Father Not Paying Enough Maintenance
14 Answers
Hi everyone. Im separated from my husband. Have 3 children and he has now gone back to work after many years off due to depression.
he is self employed and earns about £80 a day. Usually does 4-5 days a week.
he gives me anywhere between £20-40 a week for the children however I use this money to pay the joint debts im left with as they are all I my name, his depression meant I did and handled all affairs, and bills built up due to lack of money coming in.
I finally confronted him last night as I am struggling to cope due to no money, I mean seriously, to the point I have bailiffs knocking and increasing debts further and me and children are going without.
He told me he gives me what he can as he has to give his mum £20 a week and £30 a month council tax. Plus pay for his work van and fags.
he said I get tax credits for the children and I get £50 income support for me. It should be more but I get £20 a week deducted for debts we owe automatically. Plus rent paid. So I have enough to live on.
The tax credits pay for the children. I just want to cry and give up.
how many times can you say no to a child? For simple things, like snacks as they are hungry, or clothes. My daughter came to me so impressed as she is still wearing 7-8yr clothes. She is 11 years old! I was gutted!
I go without for them.
Stupidly I still love him, even though he mentally abused me for years due to his illness. I cant seem to let go.
he stays at wknds as he cant have our children at his mums and visits most evenings as its the only way he can see the kids. Eats here, im doing some of his washing. I didnt eat last night as im saving food. He came from work to see kids and I said I was just feeding the kids, he was hungry so ssked if he could get something. Even though I told him I wasnt eating as I had to be careful with what I had.
I just feel at a loss, completly on my knees!
he is self employed and earns about £80 a day. Usually does 4-5 days a week.
he gives me anywhere between £20-40 a week for the children however I use this money to pay the joint debts im left with as they are all I my name, his depression meant I did and handled all affairs, and bills built up due to lack of money coming in.
I finally confronted him last night as I am struggling to cope due to no money, I mean seriously, to the point I have bailiffs knocking and increasing debts further and me and children are going without.
He told me he gives me what he can as he has to give his mum £20 a week and £30 a month council tax. Plus pay for his work van and fags.
he said I get tax credits for the children and I get £50 income support for me. It should be more but I get £20 a week deducted for debts we owe automatically. Plus rent paid. So I have enough to live on.
The tax credits pay for the children. I just want to cry and give up.
how many times can you say no to a child? For simple things, like snacks as they are hungry, or clothes. My daughter came to me so impressed as she is still wearing 7-8yr clothes. She is 11 years old! I was gutted!
I go without for them.
Stupidly I still love him, even though he mentally abused me for years due to his illness. I cant seem to let go.
he stays at wknds as he cant have our children at his mums and visits most evenings as its the only way he can see the kids. Eats here, im doing some of his washing. I didnt eat last night as im saving food. He came from work to see kids and I said I was just feeding the kids, he was hungry so ssked if he could get something. Even though I told him I wasnt eating as I had to be careful with what I had.
I just feel at a loss, completly on my knees!
Answers
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Hew works 4-5 days a week, why not 5-6?
5 days at £80 is £400 a week so where is the rest of his money going if he only spending £50 on rent and bills? Fags can go, and why pay his mum if you are still feeding him and doing his washing?
You do need to toughen up. He is taking advantage and he is not supporting his family as he should.
5 days at £80 is £400 a week so where is the rest of his money going if he only spending £50 on rent and bills? Fags can go, and why pay his mum if you are still feeding him and doing his washing?
You do need to toughen up. He is taking advantage and he is not supporting his family as he should.
£400...minus tax, NI, maintenance, rent, fuel etc. It soon runs out.
£20 a week rent is peanuts....why should his mother feed him? If he rented a room elsewhere he'd be paying about £60-£80 and food on top.
IMO you need to a set amount of maintenance. No good paying £20 one week and £40 another. You need to know 'exactly' what is coming in each week so you can budget. The difference between the two figures is the difference between you eating or not!
£20 a week rent is peanuts....why should his mother feed him? If he rented a room elsewhere he'd be paying about £60-£80 and food on top.
IMO you need to a set amount of maintenance. No good paying £20 one week and £40 another. You need to know 'exactly' what is coming in each week so you can budget. The difference between the two figures is the difference between you eating or not!
He is self employed so works when the works there. He doesnt buy any food only take outs of lunches for work.
I tried telling him last night if he worked out what he had earnt over last 8 or so weeks hes been working how much he earnt and how much he gave me its nothing.
But on a basic level he feels I get child benefit and tax credits and thats for the children.
I am suffering, badly mentally over this. Financially of course but mentally it hurts coz I want him to want to provide for the kids.
all they get is second hand stuff, free or car boot. But at 11 and 15, other kids know the difference and can see a poor kid a mile off. They dont want designer gear or holidays etc.
just to go town with friends or cinema now and again, to join in. But they cant. My 15 yr old goes nowhere. Litterally, only sees friends in school, the very few she has. She has no life at all. Wont even ask me for things she needs for school now as I have to say no.
he cant see this tho, he sees my short comings of struggling with housework and washing etc im so depressed I am struggling to do stuff as I feel lost
I tried telling him last night if he worked out what he had earnt over last 8 or so weeks hes been working how much he earnt and how much he gave me its nothing.
But on a basic level he feels I get child benefit and tax credits and thats for the children.
I am suffering, badly mentally over this. Financially of course but mentally it hurts coz I want him to want to provide for the kids.
all they get is second hand stuff, free or car boot. But at 11 and 15, other kids know the difference and can see a poor kid a mile off. They dont want designer gear or holidays etc.
just to go town with friends or cinema now and again, to join in. But they cant. My 15 yr old goes nowhere. Litterally, only sees friends in school, the very few she has. She has no life at all. Wont even ask me for things she needs for school now as I have to say no.
he cant see this tho, he sees my short comings of struggling with housework and washing etc im so depressed I am struggling to do stuff as I feel lost
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Have you thought about going on a debmt management plan to help you with your debts? You may be able to reduce the amount you pay each week/month and get rid of the bailiffs. Speak to CAB or have a look on Stepchange website: http://
You certainly shouldn't have to use money that is meant for the children to pay off debts and you definitely should be prioritising buying food before paying unsecured debts.
You certainly shouldn't have to use money that is meant for the children to pay off debts and you definitely should be prioritising buying food before paying unsecured debts.
I get £50 a week for me income support, £168 Wk for the kids. And £190 every 4 wks vhild benefit. Also housing and ctax too. Sounds alotbut when u work out essentials im not left with much.
I can cope with the debts, even if I have to spend 20 yrs paying thrm. What I cant deal with is him not helping with out children :(
I can cope with the debts, even if I have to spend 20 yrs paying thrm. What I cant deal with is him not helping with out children :(
He is helping with the children, he is giving you £20-40 a week. This is definitely not enough I agree and he should pay more but you are using this money to pay debts when your children are going without.
You should be able to give them snacks when they are hungry and buy clothes appropriate for their age but you can't because you are using the money he gives you for other things.
Can you go to the Child Maintenance Service and get him to pay what he should? https:/
And stop feeding him, you can't afford to feed yourself so you definitely shouldn't be feeding him!! Just say 'No sorry, I can't afford to buy food to feed anyone ther than me and the kids'.
//Stupidly I still love him, even though he mentally abused me for years due to his illness. I cant seem to let go. // I think this is part of the problem though sadly, you need to be strong and make a clean break from him. Yes, allow him to see the children but staying all weekend and visiting most evenings is too much, it is not helping you get over him and you are supposed to be separated. He is taking the ***.
You should be able to give them snacks when they are hungry and buy clothes appropriate for their age but you can't because you are using the money he gives you for other things.
Can you go to the Child Maintenance Service and get him to pay what he should? https:/
And stop feeding him, you can't afford to feed yourself so you definitely shouldn't be feeding him!! Just say 'No sorry, I can't afford to buy food to feed anyone ther than me and the kids'.
//Stupidly I still love him, even though he mentally abused me for years due to his illness. I cant seem to let go. // I think this is part of the problem though sadly, you need to be strong and make a clean break from him. Yes, allow him to see the children but staying all weekend and visiting most evenings is too much, it is not helping you get over him and you are supposed to be separated. He is taking the ***.
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