What Level Of Contact Is Considered Reasonable For A Newborn Baby When The Parents Are Not Together?

[Binksy2012]

My daughter aged 17 has just given birth to her first baby following a brief fling with a man five years her senior. She feels extremely vulnerable and out of her depth in managing reasonable contact, as her post natal hormones and emotions are all over the place, as would be expected (baby is six days old today).

at this moment in time she cannot envisage having to hand the baby over for contact and even though we have tried having 'Dad' at our home for contact with the baby and having my daughter on hand to support, this isn't working out and emotions are running high. 
Her mental health has suffered significantly since becoming pregnant following the circumstances of their involvement it's been emotionally very painful for her and this has further exacerbated her ability to deal with the situation now. 

Dad has discussed sending maintenance payements but wishes to receive proof for all items purchased with the money he sends over. We feel this is quite unrealistic as the money will go into the financial pot to contribute to all costs of raising a new baby. 
My daughter feels that as babies Dad is in a relationship with a woman 8 years his senior, my daughter feels the situation is intimidating and worries that handing the baby over to him and his partner could result in bonds and attachments forming with Dads partner whilst the baby is still so young and newly born. 
so my question is, in this delicate season what would be an appropriate and reasonable level of contact for Dad to have with the baby? 
should my daughter be present during contact or not? Breastfeeding was unsuccessful so that won't be an issue to preventing contact away from my daughter. 
should we have to provide proof of purchases for child maintenance payments? 
and finally is my daughter obliged to put him on the babies birth certificate as her current mindset is that the baby was born out of marriage and if there is no legal obligation to do so, she would rather not. 
many thanks for reading. 

[Barmaid]

What a very difficult situation.  Firstly, the baby comes first. I fully understand your daughter is feeling very fragile as a new mum, but somehow this needs to be managed so baby can bond with dad too. 

The question of maintenance is completely separate from contact. Do not let one impact the other.

You have identified difficulties at this early stage, which may well improve. However, with emotions running high, it is possible they will not.

I would suggest involving a family mediator who can facilitate and support a plan which everyone can live with and is in the best interests of baby. Taking this step now is not hostile, it is constructive and will help build a co-parenting plan for the future.

 

[Buenchico]

I'm out of my depth with some of the issues here, so I'll stick to those which I know about.

Regarding the child's birth certificate, see 'Unmarried parents' here:
https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

With regard to child maintenance payments, if a private arrangement is made it will be up to the two parties to agree upon the terms of any such arrangement.  (i.e. there's nothing to stop them mutually agreeing to a 'proof of purchase' condition but the father can't insist upon it if it's unacceptable to the mother).  

If the parents can't agree upon a private arrangement, your daughter can ask the Child Maintenance Service to determine a formal arrangement instead:
https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

[Barsel]

I hope this doesn't sound like a strange question to ask, but does the father of the child want a relationship with the baby? The woman he is now with is 30yrs old, young enough to have a baby herself. How would he cope with that, after all, he is only 22ys old.

[barry1010]

Your daughter doesn't have to put his name on the birth certificate and it is a huge decision.

If she does the father will have parental responsibility and the same rights as your daughter to make decisions about the baby's future.

If she doesn't, he would have to apply to the courts for parental responsibility and it is not automatic, the baby's best interests is the priority.

How much contact and involvement does the father want?  

[Binksy2012]

Thanks Barmaid, my daughter was hoping  to avoid having professional mediators and was leaning towards trying a mutual agreement between both parents. However, at this early stage she doesn't feel ready to hand the baby over or have baby out of sight. Dad naturally wants to have contact so it's a sensitive and tricky situation to navigate through. 
it would have been interesting to know if anyone had any similar experience with very early contact involving a newborn baby, and how much time away from mum is acceptable without it causing distress to Mums wellbeing or the bond with baby. 

[Binksy2012]

Hi Barry1010, 

The father wants a lot of involvement and this is what's proving to be hard to manage. He would like to come over maybe 4-5 evenings a week. Or 3-4 evenings and a few hours at the weekend, which really interferes with our routine at home as my daughter can't relax when he's here and she's also in the middle of doing her A Levels so study time and space with be required. 
 

We feel that if she avoids putting him on the birth certificate he would likely take court action. Does it usually take the direction of the father being added to the birth certificate? 

[Binksy2012]

Hi Barsel, 

The Dads partner doesn't want children as far as I'm aware. 

[Binksy2012]

Hi Buenchico, 

much appreciated thanks for adding those links for me. 

[Canary42]

I think you need counselling from a professional, not a web forum.

[curlyfries81]

This is not an easy subject matter to advise on.  I know I wouldn't hand over my newborn baby to someone I only had a brief dalliance with. I would allow him to visit the baby in its home initially and, for the sake of herself and her baby, would not put his name on the birth certificate. She has to do what's right for the baby, above all. 

I would only allow him to visit if he didn't mess around over child maintenance. 

But then I'm a hard-nosed cow... 

[Canary42]

Not at all curly, a very sensible approach IMHO.

[jackthehat]

Not putting him on the birth certificate won't make him not the father. As the child gets older s/he may resent having a 'blank' where the father's name should be.

Your daughter has about 6 weeks to register her child so leave it a while before doing so, a few weeks may make all the difference.

There is no need for the father to see his child in any other place than your home. Really. No need.

Coming over every other day for an hour, or two, ought to be sufficient. Your daughter needs to be able to establish a proper routine for herself and the baby and that is the most important relationship. 

Once she has found her feet (and 6 days is certainly far too early for that) she can extend the time/days for his visits.

Set up a Building Society Account for the baby and get the dad to pay money into it; maintenance and any other gifts. Once the money has been paid he really has no need to be informed just how every penny is spent.

Bless her, her hormones will be all over the place and she doesn't need any added pressure from the baby's dad. 

[curlyfries81]

Dad should work hard to earn trust and demonstrate good parenting skills and consistency with visitation before he is given more responsibility. He should not be issuing demands, conditions and ultimatums from the outset. 

[calmck]

It will be a while before a routine is established but a bottle fed baby usually does this more quickly than a breast fed one. Could the father come over for an early evening feed and bath time say 3 times a week and mid morning for a feed and a walk in a pram. It might be best to consult a family lawyer to help establish guidelines in case the father decides to contact Social Services, which you don't really want. I am assuming that the mom is keeping the baby so the sooner an agreement is reached regarding who the custodial parent is and the responsibilities for each parent the better