15 and in love

[acorn]

My son has a girlfriend and both are 15 and madly in love. Im not sure if it is but i know the hormone level is rising along with everything else!! The thing is im not sure how to handle it. The girl has been a bit of a slapper despite being so young and is into some not very good things (drinking and wrong crowd). My son is a bit wet behind the ears. Because of another problem i had to speak to his school and voiced my concerns over the nature of their relationshp. Im not a prude and think that sex is fine as long as precautions are taken. 16 is just a number to kids these days even though underage sex is illegal.The teacher said they too have concerns with the girl but not to worry as my son is level headed and he will no doubt grow out of the way he feels. But to my horror i now find out that they both have indulged in oral sex in the school toilets; were caught and lectured by the teacher yet no-one has contacted me! Now my question is how do i handle the situation with my son (no dad around) as i dont want him to think sex is dirty but im not happy with the way he is carrying on. Should i speak to his girlfriend to say how silly i think theyre being or do i just butt out. AND what do i do about the school not informing me. Is it that they were hoping my son was shocked enough not to do it again so they left it alone or do you think they had a duty to inform me. So confused and am hoping for a different tack on things instead of me just keep thinking AAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!

[noxlumos]

I'd have more of an issue with the school not informing me, although I can see that they were hesitant to make even more of it that it was, and probably thought they were suitably embarassed and that there wouldn't likely be a repeat performance.Personally I'd take a back seat on this if it was my son.I have several kids over that age and have religiously not got involved with their love lives as I don't really see what can be done. If they think they love each other they'll just do anything to " be together" so any efforts would be wasted and I don't think making them cringe with embarassment will help, which is what will happen if you try and discuss it with them.I'm sure the school are right, if he's leavel headed he will outrow her, I'd just leave it alone to happen naturally so you don't get the blame when it all goes wrong.

[Morrisonker]

Gah, what a situation! Personally I'd keep out of it where the girl is concerned, you don't really have a right to talk to her about her sex life and she probably won't pay any attention to you. Make sure your son knows the facts, which he probably already does and I'd let him know that you know about the oral sex thing and that it's not on. Tell him you're fine with him having sex but he should respect himself and his girlfriend enough to make sure they have some privacy. Then step back and try not to think about it.

[lady_p_gold]

When you are in love at 15 it is like an out of control train and nothing will stop it .... I think the thing I would be emphasising over and over is what the consequences will be if a baby were to be the result of this passion, perhaps with some examples of teenage pregnancies and the difficulties it can bring and the lifelong responsiblity.

[acorn]

Thanks for those answers. LadyP thats the conclusion i have come to - keep telling him how it could end up - especially if he is doing this in school, i mean he could be excluded or lose his place at college - all manner of things could affect the rest of his life.

Its just hard being a parent isnt it!! Im now at the revenge part of my journey but totally agree that what the girl gets up to is none of my business except when it interferes with my family. Have now found out that she has told people her and my son had sex in my house when i was out - totally a fabrication but how cunning on her part. It means that if one of her other blokes gets her pregnant she can claim my son is the dad (and i 100% know theyve so far not had sex) as shes told people i have an open house!! Now thats overstepping as far as im concerned. Now shes bringing it to my door and im well angry - more than i can put into words here. My youngest is at the same school as are nieces and nephews and all this has gone around as gossip! I just want her to realise what she is doing to peoples reputations. In my work i cannot afford for people to think i allow my underage son to have sex in my house - even IM not having any so why would i let him lol!!

[metagirl]

the school was definitely in the wrong for not telling you! You should have very stern words with the head person.

As for the slapper your son is unfortunately tangled up with - just make sure he has all the "safe sex" information plus a HUGE supply of condoms and spermicide. Tell him if he wants to carry around with easy girls than he is going to have to face the reality that he will most likely get an STI - genital warts are VERY EASY to get and they don't look pretty. Not to mention chlamydia and gonorrhea. And since the girl obviously does not have any respect for herself, he should also be prepared to be a part of the 30% of British teenagers who get abortions each year.

Then smile.

[jas1002]

Although I only have girls and my oldest is onle 7 I go with what metagirl says. My Brother is 8 years younger than me (so I had more of any idea when he was 15) and my Mum used to buy his condoms for him to make sure he always has plenty. She would say she would rather it was going on and she knew about it as it was going to happen anyway.

He is about 28 now settled down with a lovely baby.

[Andy008]

To be blunt, telling a 15-year old boy to effectively decline a *******, or any other sexual favour is like telling a crack addict in Camden that robbery is wrong.

Your views are typical of a single mother who clearly has no clue about male sex drive or sexuality.

To paraphrase Carl Jung, people don't differentiate between "right" and "wrong", they distinguish between what "makes sense" and what doesn't "make sense".

[Steve_Luts]

Whoooaaa Andy008 - you were doing so well there, right until your second paragraph...

Acorn is only asking advice and doesn't need you having a pop at her to add to her woes of dealing with a delicate situation!

I clearly remember the raging hormones of being a teenager - being sternly warded off the local 15yr old slapper would have positively encouraged me! This is a tricky one, but maybe you need to sit and have a bit of a "we're both adults" type chat with him - even though he's not an adult as such, he probably thinks he is, as do the majority of boys of his age.

My mum always used to do a bit of hypothetical role reversal with me, asking me to describe how I would feel if I was her in the position of 'responsible parent' dealing with this....a bit of self analysis that youve been a d!ckhead never did anyone any harm.

Bear in mind of course that you are probably dealing with his now inflated ego that he is indeed 'a player' thinking he knows all the ways of the world! And don't forget that one day you will be able to laugh about this, hopefully at his expense... ;-)

[acorn]

Wow Andy008, hit a nerve did it??Whilst any comments are welcomed I do object to being labeled a typical single mother. Are you sure there is such a thing? AND if i didnt understand his sexual urges as well as i do (being a very typical MOTHER) i would have been straight down the police station demanding the slapper be hung drawn and quartered!!

In fact it is the fact that what he is doing undermines the act of love - i mean his first forays into making love to someone is done in a school corridor with the cleaner in the room next door. She has told him that if they dont 'have it off' she will tell people he is impotent but if they are caught she will say he forced her. Now that is not the type of loving relationship i want my son involved in and as a mum i will make it my mission to see that he realises this. Its nothing to do with not understanding his urges, its about protecting as best one can those we love. He has to make his own mistakes but why should i sit back and allow this girl to ruin his life with her lies.

And what exactly makes sense about possibly being excluded from school right on top of exams? Would you say he is differentiating between making sense and not?? Thanks again for the comments but yours you can keep.

[joannie10]

i am not a mother but sympathise with your situation. My concern which i dont think has been mentioned but if your son is having s�x with someone aged 15 he is breaking the law and could be prosecuted could he not? I know this girl seems to be 'experienced' but whose to say that she or her parents might not just decide to contact the police one day. Sorry if I have misunderstood something and not trying to cause concern but just felt there could be a problem here.

[acorn]

Yes thats another concern. He could but probably wont get up to 2 years in prison. But its discretionary by the judge who wouldnt usually pass such a sentance for something like this. But thanks for pointing it out as it is a worry especially with her telling lies the way she does. She has already accused an ex of raping her at a party when it turned out she had stalked him and pounced on him outside a chippie in full view of her Nan!!

[Steve_Luts]

Hi Acorn,

I just looked in on your post to see if you had got some more good advice - I'm aghast at the nan/chippie story!!!!!!

She sounds delightful - personifying "the kind of girl you wouldn''t introduce to your mother" Good luck getting rid of her!!

[simsfreq]

I think he'll learn a valuable lesson from the experience - just make sure he knows you are here to support him and not judge anything he does.

[acorn]

Thanks for all the responses. Simsfreq unfortunately i did judge him at the time - emotions got the better of me and i told him how dissappointed i was in him. But since that time i have thanked him for telling me the truth and told him that i would have prefered his first sexual encounters to be with a more decent person but that it is his decision who he goes out with etc. I cant like the girl but i told my son i dont have to for him to carry on seeing her if thats his choice. I just hope he is more wiser to her charms (!) and will be more inclined to be careful - but then again hes 15, hormonal and in love!! I have decided to let sleeping dogs (pretty apt coin of phrase) lie in the case of his girlfriend although would dearly like to be 15 again so i could punch her! But being the sensible adult i am i know its none of my business what she does with her body so i will just hope that my son gets to college and meet s different people and forms higher opinions and expectations. I am however going into the school to set a few records straight.

[carolineadam]

Sounds like a tough one, But I wouldn't interfear too much. 15 is such a young age if you push him now he will feel like he can't talk to you about things in the future. Hang in there, sounds like you are a great mum and you are doing just fine. As for the school they should have told you even if it was just in a letter.

[Celtigra3]

Acorn - I found that as long as you keep the lines of communication open between yourself and your children it will be OK. I always encouraged mine to come to me with their problems, even if it was just to talk and me to listen. My son, who was a lot older, got involved with a "bunny boiler" who had also been a prostitute, and she gave him the right run around. It was just a question of waiting until it had blown its course and he saw sense. Not easy I know! As far as the girl is concerned, well I am sorry to say, but every school has its share of "slappers". I am sure when he finds a proper girlfriend things will be different. Make sure he practices safe sex though as boys can catch chlamidia (not sure of the spelling) - however, I do think the school was very remiss in not telling you, even by letter. Complain to your local education authority. You sound a caring mum - good luck for the future.

[dorkguytx]

well look mam i am a teenager my self i am 17 and i know from experience that when you love a girl at the age of 15 and have intercorse-oral sex with her you tend to fall more and more for the girl he is probably experiendcing this stuff for the first time and is getting really attachd with the girl because of it and i talk from experience i was head over heals for the first girl that i had my first sexual contact with but i grew out of it as time passd then i started relizing that i didnt really like the girl that i just liked what we would do and ended up telling her that i didnt want to be in a relationship with a girl that the only reason i liked-loved her so mutch wus because i did somthing with her that i had never done before and ended up calling it off between us we are still friends just that no conection between us and i hope your son grows out of the situation he is in right now and relizes that there is a hole lot of other things he has to be focusd on cus if im not mistaking i bet u he is failing a couple of classes or am i mistaking because i know i was all i would think about was sex when i was with my first mate now i relize that there is a lot of wemen out there and there is just one perfect one for me and as well for your son. Mam i say you just have a talk with him give him his space provide him with Protection and lecture him about STD's. and about the school they should have contacted you on the spot if i were you i would sew the school for not letting you know what is going on with your son cus you are his mother and you have evry right to know what is happinging in his life...

[acorn]

Dorkguy - what a strange name for one who is thoughtful and wise. Thank you for those words and i agree with them and those of other posters above. I have decided to stand back and bite my tongue and let my son have his head (pardon the pun!!) . I have an appointment to see the teacher at the school but as far as my son and his girlfriend are concerned i am not arguing with him anymore. I dont want him to think sex is wrong regardless of his age. I do want him to practice safe sex and most importantly i want him to know he can come to me any time and speak of anything on his mind. So, anyone know where i can buy a new tongue as mine is almost bitten through!!!

[mollymandy]

tell him if this happens again you will do the same at open night !!