Bullying

[Wonkmaster]

First timer here so sorry if a bit long winded but... My 7yr old boy, who is doing really well in his class at school, has been suffering at the hands of a boy same age as him for the past 9 mths. My lad is the size of a 9/10yr old, really well mannered, plays rugby etc is being picked on by a lad below ave height and build but with a nasty mouth and a really hurtfull streak in him. We have spoken to the head, she said she would talk to him, nothing changes, spoke to teacher after the head, she knew nothing of the incidents or my visit to the head!!! but said she would look, still no change. My lad sometimes now hates going to school for this reason. I have spoken to the school, followed the right channels yet nothing changes... should I now groom him to "fight back", even tho there isn't a hurtful bone in his body!! don't get me wrong he is no angel but not nasty! speak to the other devil's parent or what! any advice??? sorry.... didn't mean to waffle quite this much...

[fat rascal]

feel for you there,wonkmaster,when my daughter was about 9 i had a similar problem, ths school just didn't want to know..i just got sick of it, so i calmly ( which was very difficult) had a chat with the other 2 girls parents... i told them that the school was not going to take any action against their daughters, but if any more of the bullying occured i was prepared to go to the police and if nec take out a private prosecution against their little darlings..... for us that did the trick... it is just such an awful thing for kids to go thro.... i hate any fomr of bullying... so best of luck and hope it gets sorted out soon.

schools need to take a stronger stance, one little maggot in my daughters class terrorised loads of kids... the school did nothing till he head butted the teacher...t hate to say it but i thought GOOD.. he was dealt with then...

sorry i'm waffling now!!

good luck!!

[angeldraws]

Sorry to hear you're going thru this (both you and your son) - the best thing to do is ask for the Chair of Governors name and address and get them involved - also threaten to go to your local newspaper - these things usually do the trick - if these things don't work, find out if the parent is approachable - someone will know - and if she is, speak to her yourself. If not carry out your threat to go the paper. It is a good idea to coach your children to be more assertive especially at this age so they can cope more easily later if the same /similar issue arises. (I have done all these myself and got results.
Good luck

[Wonkmaster]

Thank you for that. I was plucking up the courage to talk to the parents as I do think they need to know what their child is like. I also agree that schools need to be stronger with bullying, but what amazed both my wife and I was the fact the head had failed to communicate with the teacher about this in the first place.....

[Rock'n'Roll]

I'd tell your son that if he'* ***,thenit's perfectly natural to hit back. Wherever possible you have to stick up for youself. Perhaps if the bully gets one back he'll learn

[lynlockwood]

Why did you go to the head first off? Wouldn't the class teacher be the right place to start? I would try to lay off going to the press- it can have terrible consequences for the school, although it's a good threat. I agree that the Governors are the next step after the head, but often they are all so close knit at primary schools that that doesn't do much either. It's so frustrating.

[Le Chat]

I think I would speak to the boy in question as he is leaving the school premesis and tell him that if your son complains about anthing he has done to him ever again, you will tell his parents and that the police may need to know also. A friend of mine did this to a bully as he was waiting to get on the school bus and she has had no trouble since!!!

[Catso]

Write to the chair of governors, say what you've done, say that - apparently - nothing was done about the matter, the problem is still ongoing and say that unless something is actually done, you will be contacting the county education department, and possibly the police.

Non-PC: you ought to tell him that if he's attacked, it isn't wrong to defend himself.

[jake-the-peg]

Do not tell your son to defend himself at best he will blur the division of who is at fault at worst he will get hurt.

Go to see the head master again - take notes throughout - detail the incidents - ask what the schools anti-bullying policy is. If he waffles or says something like it's being considerred or they don't believe it is necessary take special note.

I f he tells you that there is a policy ask him how it has been applied in this case and after he's finished explain clearly and carefully why you believe it has been ineffective.

Then tell him that you intend to write a letter of complaint to the local education authority - if you feel that it's true tell him that you believe the school has failed in it's duty of care towards your son. Use these words - they have a legal responsibility based on this.

Write a letter to the education authority and send copies to the board of Governers and the head master -- detail all the occurences, what you have done and how you believe the school is failing your son. Don't threaten legal action just say you are looking forward to the LEAs response on how they intend to further the matter. If the head has told you that they do not have or do not think an anti-bullying policy is necessary put that right near the top very clearly.

You can go to the board of Governers without going to the LEA but I wouldn't because I tend to think headmasters and governers tend to be a bit chummy.

[angeldraws]

Le Chats advice may be well meaning but you may want to consider the consequences of this first as it may be seen as (and in fact it IS) 'threatening a child' and this can put you in a worse position than you started.

No offence Le Chat....

[Catso]

Have you noticed the general gist of all the responses is about not upsetting, wronging or infringing the rights of the bully.

[jake-the-peg]

No Catso

The general gist is that you shouldn't teach children to use violence to sort out their issues!

[Wonkmaster]

To all of you THANK YOU! Your advice has been excellent! My wife this morning has made another appointment with the Head and the Teacher, for one last attempt at following the correct procedures. In answer to one point of why did we go to the head first, that was because we are lucky enouogh to live in a quiet little village with a smaller than av school and at that time the head was spending 50% of the time in that class. I think that a letter to the chair of governor's is an excellent idea, which will be done, should the response from our next meeting not be satisfactory. We will be speaking to the mother as well as like I said before, all parent need to know about any problem there is with their kids. Hitting back!! deep down I know this is wrong! and I am sure there will come a time when he will hit back off his own accord! crikey, that was how I dealt with it when I was at school but it is lonely being bullied and support from others I think must be better plus maybe then he might realise his own strengh (he is rather well built) and maybe (REALLY HOPE NOT) but maybe he would become a bully himself!! sorry waffling! Anyway, this AB is fab and everyone who has taken time to reply to my question, I thank you! I will keep you informed.

[trish1234567]

Why do you not ask the head teacher at yours son's school "WHAT IS THE SCHOOL'S POLICY ON BULLYING?"

If the answer is "THERE ISN'T ONE" - then ask why "WHY NOT".

If the answer is "YES" - then ask "WHY DO THEY NOT FOLLOW THE GUIDELINES?"

Every school should have a policy on bullying.



If the answer is "No" - then ask why not !!!

[madham]

I would suggest starting your Son in a self defence class such as Karate, Tae Kwon Do, not only will it give him ways of defending himself in situations but it will raise his
confidence levels hopefully to a point where he can stand upto them.

Also jake0the-peg advice is spot on ask the head what the anti bullying policy is, and make sure they know you are prepared to go to the Education Office for them to investigate it not being carried out correctly, this should make them sit up and take notice, also keep a clear record of any incidents and action taken/not taken.

Good luck :0)

[gedk]

Just wanted to wish you luck for your next meeting with the head and I hope everything is resolved swiftly.

By the way I disagree with some of the posts above - there is nothing wrong in telling a child that it is ok to hit back another child who has hit them first (preferably harder!) You have to stand up for yourself in this world as nobody else will and the sooner you learn this lesson the better.

[jake-the-peg]

Madham I teach Karate to kids.

If somebody brought their child to me under these circumstances I'd send them away with a flea in their ear.

It takes many years to become proficient in things like Karate and the techniques can be incredibly dangerous.

[Wonkmaster]

Me again! just when you thought you had lost me... Just coming back to follow up some of the later postings. We shall be asking "what is your schools policy on bullying", not all that hopeful on the answer we will be getting bearing in mind they don't talk to each other anyway!!! rant rant rant!!!. On the other valid point of self defence class - My lad started Karate at the age of 4 and progressed really well over 2.5 years. As said by Jake, he was never taught to use it in those circumstances - and rightly so. Karate is a fantastic sport and teaches children a lot more than just to hit back. But when a bully holds a pencil to the side of my boys face and then calls him to make this pencil go in his eye, cheek, mouth etc nothing can be done about that. Right - Soap box is knackered now... thank you all. It is great to see everyone's views etc.

[madham]

Jake-the-peg, I also take TKD only after I enrolled my Son, they always say the reason to learn it is so you never have to use it.

He was very timid and big for his years, but it has given him so much confidence and as yet 1 1/2 years on he has never used it.

I didn't mean so he can kick hell out of them, but to build self esteem and confidence.

[vivalamojo]

The reason people bully is because they can see that your son is becoming upset by it.

It is not "what" they are picking on him about, it's that they can see it hurts or angers him. It = the actual bullying.

In order to make bullying go away, they have to see that he is okay with it... then it isn't fun anymore.

This is one of the most useful websites I've found on the topic and what your son can do about it:
http://www.bullies2buddies.com/