Dont you just love ure mum!

[puddicat]

When i look at other mothers and see the closeness they have with there children makes me wonder if it could have been different with mine,we are a dysfunctional family lost my dad at 16, and all i can remember as a child was dont get dirty, dont touch this, and dont have any friends in our house, needless to say i left home at 15, my older sister had left at15 also and the younger left at 17 to go into nursing, maybe it would have been different if dad had lived,want to love my mum so much but cant that easily, for whatever reasons i had to come home,sometimes i think i love her and most of the time no i dont i tolerate her, but she tries to make up for alot by giving me things some which i dont want, except now she is a stubborn old lady and unlikely to change!

[stonekicker]

your question made me feel sad, puddicat. is similar to my own experiences of my mum - she was violent and verbally abusive to everyone in my family and i moved out when i was just sixteen (as early as possible) to escape her. it severely fu!!ed up my life (i left school with no qualifications, was homeless for a while, got in with people who exploited me etc.) and i have spent the last 15 years trying to put it right. however, i now have a beautiful teenage son, been married to a great bloke for 13 years, put myself through uni and finally got a job i love in order to have a little bit of normality in my life. i still speak to my mum, but like yours, i don't think she understands or accepts how her behaviour affects others, she is racist, intolerant, narrowminded and opinionated so i tolerate her more than anything else, but it makes me sad that i will never have the mum that i want or need in my life without significant stress and effort on my part. however, i do have others in my life who bring me joy and love me unconditionally (hubby and son), so i'm just glad i live 100 miles away from my mum and can control her influence on my family to a large degree. Families, eh? the rest of her family are much the same and i haven't spoken to most of them for 20 years and its much more peaceful! i hope you find some peace and joy for yourself and concetrate on that, rather than a troublesome mum who is hard work x

[puddicat]

dearest stonekicker not like ure problem she was a good mum in the context she fed and clothed us, but it was the lack of shown love! she was only interested on she looked to other people, and to this day isnt as strong as she made out to be she is weak but makes out she is strong, stonekicker you are a star well done!!!

[stonekicker]

i do get where you are coming from, puddicat. i was also fed, clothed etc. and to the outside world, my home as a child appeared 'normal'. but i can never remember my mum saying she loved me, hugging me or expressing pride in anything i did. that desert of emotion as children stays with you wherever you go in life and you have to try really hard to overcome all the insecurities and problems that stem from it - but it is possible. at the end of the day, our mothers are grown people and we should only extend a comfortable amount of energy trying to keep them in our lives - if it was a husband or partner that caused problems, everyone else would say leave them, wouldn't they? just because they are your mother does NOT mean you have to a)like them and b)put up with them. i now put all my energy and focus into my own child and making sure he feels loved, secure and happy and, frankly, ****** everything and evrybody else!

[rabbitygirl]

I've been married to my husband for 34 years. His mum is ok, but I have never known her show love and affection. Until 2 events in recent years I had no idea of his upbringing, and that of one of his sisters.

Secrets revealed during family tree research and a falling out over a house move, meant they were both able to finally release feelings about their childhoods, including anger. Neither can face her with the revelations or their anger.

My husband contacts his mother occasionally, his sister very rarely. Their mum believes the situation is because of the house move, but it is the realisation in their late fifties that she was an unloving, sometimes cruel, mum. And they can finally admit it to themselves and each other and no longer have the pretence that it was an idyllic time. It has been a difficult and emotional time for my husband and his sister.

In a way puddicat it is the reverse of your situation. She had their love but now they cannot give it.

[scorpious321]

some times it think its easier to stay a way from your parents I havent seen mine for 5 years there are many reasons for this

[Ice.Maiden]

Awwww.....I felt sad after reading your post puddicat, and some of the answers. Love begats love, and I believe that if you're shown it, you have no problem with giving it back. I come from a very close and loving family, and love nothing better than showing my children a lot of affection, encouragement and support. In turn, I can truthfully say that they're lovely, thoughtful kids, who're already very good with babies and toddlers. I believe they'll make good parents themselves one day. It's never too late to say "I love you" though, and mean it. x

[banjosister]

Hey puddicat,

All families are dysfunctional in one way or another.

It's the nature of families.

All we can do is try and make tomorrow a better day.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The only person you can change is yourself.

Bb xx

[chappie]

My mum died 20 years ago, aged 63 (far, far too young).

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her - and I wonder what she would have made of all the technology we have now ..........

We'd "upgraded" from a twin-tub washing machine to a front loader shortly before she died - I remember her staring at it for ages, in awe of it, marvelling at the wonder of technology!

[pastafreak]

I agree that all families are somewhat dysfunctional..i went thru a phase in my early 20's when I felt a great deal of resentment towards my mum. It was then that I had started to understand that the way she had brought me up had held me back in many ways and caused other problems. I developed panic attacks and agoraphobia (as did my much older sister )...this was due to my mums over-protection. she never let me spread my wings-I didn't learn to ride a bike or learn to swim....nor have I learned to drive. I just never had the confidence. If I was a bit younger I would learn to do those things now-I am 60......but it doesn't feel so important now. As I said-I did resent her for a while.....but only for a short time. All in all I loved her very much beause I came to understand that she only did what she thought was right. She has been gone since 1992-I still wish I could speak to her.

[raysparx1]

Hi puddicat, some people find it hard to show emotion and tell the ones they love that they do love them, all you can do is try to understand this, do you have children? if you do do you find it easy to say to them you love them and show them you do? I am lucky in that I find it easy to tell my two sons now 32 and 29 that I love them, my mum was also very loving, so guess it runs in my family, my wifes mum never tells my wife that she loves her and my wife used to find it hard but now it is a natural thing, I think with your mum giving you things is her way of showing you, how would she react if you just hugged her and told her you loved her? if you do love her give it a go, you might be surprised, good luck, and take care, we only have one mum, and once they go, they don't come back, Ray xx

[Bohne]

Sometimes, you have to leave the past in the past and look at your present and future.
With me, it was my dad, that I never had a close relationship to.
But now he is over 80, and like your mother, I think he realised what he missed out on.

I had a time when I did not speak to him for over a year, because he did not agree with choices I made.
Today he can not have us round too often, and the way he treats my son is the way I wish I had been treated as a child.

But neither can we turn back time, nor can he just get up and change from one day to the next.

This is what I have come to accept!

My mother I love very much.
Now probably more than when I was a child!