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Having partners children little more than planned
17 Answers
Help - am I being selfish.
My fiance has 3 children to his previous marriage - a 19yr old son (he is in the Army), 13yr old son and an 11yr old daughter. We have the younger ones with us on a Wednesday night and all day Sunday/night. My partner received a call from his 13 yr old last night who was a little upset. He said that he is always getting wound up by his sister and he hardly sees his Mum as she is either working in the local pub or sitting in the conservatory talking to some bloke she used to see.
He has asked if he can come and stay with us a little more often but he wont move in permanent as he doesnt want to leave his school - it is too far to travel back and forth to every day as it means my partner will always be late getting to work.
Is it really selfish of me to be feeling a little jealous. I have known my partner for 17 yrs and this is the 3rd time we have got together - we now have an 18 month old son of our own and with work committments and his extended family, its hard to get time for us. I just panic that if we take his son any more than 3 days through the week then will we drift apart! I know I need to be understanding of his sons needs, but I question why dont I get that about us. I dont want a relationship where it would be like living with my friend .... I want love, happiness, etc - THE PACKAGE.
Anyone been through the same .... I know I need to grin and bear it for now dont I
My fiance has 3 children to his previous marriage - a 19yr old son (he is in the Army), 13yr old son and an 11yr old daughter. We have the younger ones with us on a Wednesday night and all day Sunday/night. My partner received a call from his 13 yr old last night who was a little upset. He said that he is always getting wound up by his sister and he hardly sees his Mum as she is either working in the local pub or sitting in the conservatory talking to some bloke she used to see.
He has asked if he can come and stay with us a little more often but he wont move in permanent as he doesnt want to leave his school - it is too far to travel back and forth to every day as it means my partner will always be late getting to work.
Is it really selfish of me to be feeling a little jealous. I have known my partner for 17 yrs and this is the 3rd time we have got together - we now have an 18 month old son of our own and with work committments and his extended family, its hard to get time for us. I just panic that if we take his son any more than 3 days through the week then will we drift apart! I know I need to be understanding of his sons needs, but I question why dont I get that about us. I dont want a relationship where it would be like living with my friend .... I want love, happiness, etc - THE PACKAGE.
Anyone been through the same .... I know I need to grin and bear it for now dont I
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Yes, im sorry to say you do sound selfish.
You took your partner on knowing he already had children, and that he already had commitments towards them.
His 13 year old sounds like he's having a bit of difficult time, they all do at that age, the weight of the world on their shoulders etc. Grin and bear it, be glad that you have a partner who obviously loves his children and wants to do what's best for them.
I don't understand why you feel that the 13 year old living with you will suddenly make you feel that you've to be just a friend to your partner.
You took your partner on knowing he already had children, and that he already had commitments towards them.
His 13 year old sounds like he's having a bit of difficult time, they all do at that age, the weight of the world on their shoulders etc. Grin and bear it, be glad that you have a partner who obviously loves his children and wants to do what's best for them.
I don't understand why you feel that the 13 year old living with you will suddenly make you feel that you've to be just a friend to your partner.
Take on the person you take on their kids.If you know someone has baggage at the start of a relationship, and you obviously did, then the start is the time to consider this.
Its far too late now, its part and parcel of being with them.
You cant change people and you cant change their past.
If you are unable to make the effort then i think its very sad.
You knew what you were getting into and you have to accept that and try harder.
Its a kid for gods sake , you need to make the effort, its a no brainer.
If you cant then i think you will look very selfish and id imagine it would jeopardize your relationship too.
You want the full package , well the child is part of that package too.
Its far too late now, its part and parcel of being with them.
You cant change people and you cant change their past.
If you are unable to make the effort then i think its very sad.
You knew what you were getting into and you have to accept that and try harder.
Its a kid for gods sake , you need to make the effort, its a no brainer.
If you cant then i think you will look very selfish and id imagine it would jeopardize your relationship too.
You want the full package , well the child is part of that package too.
I wasnt saying his son will just turn us into friends BOO but it would be even less time for us to have "our time" together.
My partner works 6 days a week as he has his own business .... we have the kids twice a week ... along with my partner maybe playing golf the odd time and some relaxing time at home. Leaves very little, if any, time for us to go out for a meal or even the cinema. Im sorry but I dont want a life were all we have is time to each other in bed of an evening --- a relationship should be so much more than that.
I did know the baggage he had before we got together and I always make the effort LEGGY so thats not something I need to start doing --- its all things I keep to myself but I worry we may suffer .... why cant we be given time too?
My partner works 6 days a week as he has his own business .... we have the kids twice a week ... along with my partner maybe playing golf the odd time and some relaxing time at home. Leaves very little, if any, time for us to go out for a meal or even the cinema. Im sorry but I dont want a life were all we have is time to each other in bed of an evening --- a relationship should be so much more than that.
I did know the baggage he had before we got together and I always make the effort LEGGY so thats not something I need to start doing --- its all things I keep to myself but I worry we may suffer .... why cant we be given time too?
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Your dilemma is no different to the one all parents have, whether it be your own children or your partners. Where do you find 'us' time?
Firstly sit down with your partner and discuss where in the week/month you can both find time to do things on your own together. Maybe he could play a little less golf or go with him? Do have any family/friends that can baby-sit a couple of times a month? I�m sure if you talk about it you can sort something out.
Firstly sit down with your partner and discuss where in the week/month you can both find time to do things on your own together. Maybe he could play a little less golf or go with him? Do have any family/friends that can baby-sit a couple of times a month? I�m sure if you talk about it you can sort something out.
I have my parents to babysit my son anytime really. Thats not the case with the 13yr old ... he wouldnt feel comfortable with my parents (he is just shy that way) plus his Mother doesnt seem to care so trying to get someone to look after him would be the hard part!
Please dont think Im a heartless woman .... I just know that I love my partner too much and when any time we could have is taken away from us then panic sets in - just a natural reaction to loving someone!
Please dont think Im a heartless woman .... I just know that I love my partner too much and when any time we could have is taken away from us then panic sets in - just a natural reaction to loving someone!
Hello
When you met this guy you knew he had children and they have to come first every time
So if his 13 year old son wants to see HIS father more you should put aside your feelings
You are acting very selfish you are acting like a child boo ho I cant go out, I want to spend more time with my husband�have you thought about looking at your marriage and why you are so insecure in your marriage� me and my husband have 2 kids 5 and 7 but we spend time together as a family we don�t push our kids on to babysitters and we are still very much in love and happy or is it you don�t want an 13 year old around. He is the father to this boy he should come first I would love to know what you would do if the son wanted to live full time? If your relationship is strong you should welcome this child and put him first and stop acting like a child yourself. Sorry if I upset you but there are a lot fathers out there who would move the heaven and earth to see their kids. If you make your partner choose between you and him I really hope he chooses his child
When you met this guy you knew he had children and they have to come first every time
So if his 13 year old son wants to see HIS father more you should put aside your feelings
You are acting very selfish you are acting like a child boo ho I cant go out, I want to spend more time with my husband�have you thought about looking at your marriage and why you are so insecure in your marriage� me and my husband have 2 kids 5 and 7 but we spend time together as a family we don�t push our kids on to babysitters and we are still very much in love and happy or is it you don�t want an 13 year old around. He is the father to this boy he should come first I would love to know what you would do if the son wanted to live full time? If your relationship is strong you should welcome this child and put him first and stop acting like a child yourself. Sorry if I upset you but there are a lot fathers out there who would move the heaven and earth to see their kids. If you make your partner choose between you and him I really hope he chooses his child
No, I don't agree that is a natural reaction to loving someone. It sounds a little clingy to be honest.
From your last post I do think you have issues you need to address regarding your jealousy of his children, as I think you could be heading down the dangerous route of favouring your family unit over the two step children.
You need to talk about this with your partner and come to an arrange that will make everyone happy, but you need to be an adult and remember that all the children come first end of.
From your last post I do think you have issues you need to address regarding your jealousy of his children, as I think you could be heading down the dangerous route of favouring your family unit over the two step children.
You need to talk about this with your partner and come to an arrange that will make everyone happy, but you need to be an adult and remember that all the children come first end of.
My bloke has two kids. I always said stuff like "if they ever needed to come here that would be fine" etc etc. Then his son did want to and I realised I hadn't really thought about it at all and actually I didn't really want to have a full time teenager. However I kept this to myself and he moved in and it was all fine. It was nice to see him happier and my bloke was ecstatic. Don't get me wrong was very difficult at times. I was lucky to have a good friend who was happy to listen to me rant so I could get it out and go home and everything would be fine. I have never felt jealous of his children though - I think thats a bit odd and perhaps you are a bit insecure? Your partners relationship with his children will only affect his relationship with you if you make it that way. They are completly diffirent types of relationship and should not be competing.
Think about if he was your child. You'd want his father to be there if he ever needed him. I imagine that you would be furious if he told your child that he couldn't be there as his new partner wasn't keen.
So although your feelings I think are normal you need to get over them. The needs of the children have to come before yours. If your partner feels he has to choose you may well find that you ar the one who looses out. You are the adult and need to act as such. I hope it all goes well - just be very careful how you go cos get it wrong and it could do unfixable damage to your relationship with your partner.
Think about if he was your child. You'd want his father to be there if he ever needed him. I imagine that you would be furious if he told your child that he couldn't be there as his new partner wasn't keen.
So although your feelings I think are normal you need to get over them. The needs of the children have to come before yours. If your partner feels he has to choose you may well find that you ar the one who looses out. You are the adult and need to act as such. I hope it all goes well - just be very careful how you go cos get it wrong and it could do unfixable damage to your relationship with your partner.
Do yourself a favour if you want ' you' time with your man, stop sounding so clingy, irrational and selfish.
When my ex wife and I got together we had a huge family and all of the kids were living with us. It was no harder to get any 'us' time than if the kids hadn't been there, and for you to say that a lad of 13 ' wouldn't feel comfortable' with your parents ( why not are they aliens???) is pretty absurd. He's not a small child, he's 13 for goodness sake, and if engaged properly by anyone will be fine, so stop creating unnecessary and imaginary problems for yourself and stop appearing to be jealous of your man's kids, because it will bite you, as there is no greater turn off than feeling a partner resents your kids.
Sorry to sound harsh but this seems like such a mountain out of a molehil.
When my ex wife and I got together we had a huge family and all of the kids were living with us. It was no harder to get any 'us' time than if the kids hadn't been there, and for you to say that a lad of 13 ' wouldn't feel comfortable' with your parents ( why not are they aliens???) is pretty absurd. He's not a small child, he's 13 for goodness sake, and if engaged properly by anyone will be fine, so stop creating unnecessary and imaginary problems for yourself and stop appearing to be jealous of your man's kids, because it will bite you, as there is no greater turn off than feeling a partner resents your kids.
Sorry to sound harsh but this seems like such a mountain out of a molehil.
blimey, I don't have any kids but i still don't have any "us" time what with working, coming home cooking tea and cleaning up - that takes me up to bed time!!
you already have your child to look after so i dont see how it would be any different or impinge n your time to have another one. In fact, get hi a tv for his room and you'll never see him
you already have your child to look after so i dont see how it would be any different or impinge n your time to have another one. In fact, get hi a tv for his room and you'll never see him
Well all I can say is I am sitting here with my mouth wide open at some of the "nasty" comments that have been flung my way. Obviously I have not put myself across the correct way for the majority of you to react the way you have.
I would like to say that I dont have issues with my partners children cos if I did then I wouldnt do half the things I do for them off my own back. More than their Mother would ever dream of!!
Thank you for all the help that some have given. Yes I always put aside my feelings when it comes to his children and this was my rant time to avoid upsetting my partner but we have spoke about this over the last two days and even HE says we need to create some us time somehow (so there SUE34). I know my partner loves his children and if I was blatently honest, its his kids that would rather be with their friends than either of their parents at the min due to their ages ............. if it wasnt for my partner calling to speak to them then they wouldnt speak at all!
Thanks again
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I would like to say that I dont have issues with my partners children cos if I did then I wouldnt do half the things I do for them off my own back. More than their Mother would ever dream of!!
Thank you for all the help that some have given. Yes I always put aside my feelings when it comes to his children and this was my rant time to avoid upsetting my partner but we have spoke about this over the last two days and even HE says we need to create some us time somehow (so there SUE34). I know my partner loves his children and if I was blatently honest, its his kids that would rather be with their friends than either of their parents at the min due to their ages ............. if it wasnt for my partner calling to speak to them then they wouldnt speak at all!
Thanks again
NO MORE REPLIES REQUIRED!!
You should ignore Sue34 as she/he was exposed as a fraud on here a few days ago and has several names and makes up horrible stories and is generally not very nice.
I was just being honest from how your post read, and usually if you have to ask the question 'am I being selfish'? you usually in your heart of hearts know the answer really don't you ? (I mean you in general sense not just you).
Anyway it is good you have talked and that you feel better about it all.
I was just being honest from how your post read, and usually if you have to ask the question 'am I being selfish'? you usually in your heart of hearts know the answer really don't you ? (I mean you in general sense not just you).
Anyway it is good you have talked and that you feel better about it all.
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