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Emotionally scarred for life?
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When I was a kid my mother was a bit of a lunatic, she was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to myself and my siblings. This is not to say that she didnt love us but rather that she could not cope and her behaviour was probably more acceptable in that day-and-age than it is now. At certain times she would call me and her voice had a tone or intonation in it that I recognised and it scared the life out of me as I know that I was going to get it. This was all 30ish years ago.
Yesterday evening I was sitting in her livingroom and she came in and spoke and her voice had 'that' same intonation/tone as all those years ago and do you know what, it scared the life out of me, thirty years on. I felt the same frightened, bewildered little child. This has actually upset me, not so much the incident but the fact that I still carry these issues.
Has anyone else ever experienced this?
Yesterday evening I was sitting in her livingroom and she came in and spoke and her voice had 'that' same intonation/tone as all those years ago and do you know what, it scared the life out of me, thirty years on. I felt the same frightened, bewildered little child. This has actually upset me, not so much the incident but the fact that I still carry these issues.
Has anyone else ever experienced this?
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Yes.
But you are now the grown up, and that means you can choose what you want to react to. I mean 'the' grown up, not 'a' grown up - your role even when with your mother is that you are her equal, not the child under her control.
Therapies such as NLP encourage you not to look at the past to relive it, but to accept that it is the past and it cannot harm you. For example, when you think of your ma in her terrorising mood, envisage her growing a big red nose, rainbow afro wig and outsize shoes. Dress her as a clown in your recollection. Re-imagine her voice so it sounds like 'Bluebottle' (do you remember the goon show?). Keep doing this every time that memory pops up.
Lastly, I wonder what ma's reaction would be if you just said mildly 'Oi lady, reel yer neck in! oo rattled your cage?' or words to that effect.
You don't have to fall out, but you do have to establish boundaries as you would with any other friend. Your damaged mother can't damage you any more if you choose not to let her.
But you are now the grown up, and that means you can choose what you want to react to. I mean 'the' grown up, not 'a' grown up - your role even when with your mother is that you are her equal, not the child under her control.
Therapies such as NLP encourage you not to look at the past to relive it, but to accept that it is the past and it cannot harm you. For example, when you think of your ma in her terrorising mood, envisage her growing a big red nose, rainbow afro wig and outsize shoes. Dress her as a clown in your recollection. Re-imagine her voice so it sounds like 'Bluebottle' (do you remember the goon show?). Keep doing this every time that memory pops up.
Lastly, I wonder what ma's reaction would be if you just said mildly 'Oi lady, reel yer neck in! oo rattled your cage?' or words to that effect.
You don't have to fall out, but you do have to establish boundaries as you would with any other friend. Your damaged mother can't damage you any more if you choose not to let her.
Yes, I have. I sympathise with you warpig. My own Father was a Tyrant in our house. My younger brother got most of the beatings and even now does not have much to do with our Father. I moved away from home when I was 18 as I felt that I was getting too old for such abuse. Dad was a very loud person and everything he said was the law. We wern't allowed to contradict him, even though we knew sometimes he was wrong.
Even now when I see him, I can still remember the shouting that used to go on, and like you we are talking of about 30 years ago. He has mellowed in old age and is not quite so nasty, but the horrible memories are there in the background.
Even now when I see him, I can still remember the shouting that used to go on, and like you we are talking of about 30 years ago. He has mellowed in old age and is not quite so nasty, but the horrible memories are there in the background.
Thank you lil O'lady, you are quite right, I do need to establish myself as the adult. I really had not thought about these things for years but this unexpected situation brought it all flooding back and I was completely knocked for six by my reaction. I think, in part, she did recognise that my reaction was 'not normal' as she made light of it and said she was joking (the comment was not even made to me) but that didnt stop me from feeling sick to my stomach.
Thank you too susan. My mum has mellowed too and she knows she was a cr*p mum and out of order. She has tried to make up for this in many ways but unfortunately I (I cannot speak for my siblings) apparently still harbour some resentment.
As for the shouting etc as you mentioned, I still have those memories too. I am not saying I didn't have a happy childhood because for the most part I did, but these happy times were not in her company as even when she was being a 'good' mummy we were on edge as she could switch at any moment.
Its good (if that is the right word) to know that I am not the only one this has happened too.
As for the shouting etc as you mentioned, I still have those memories too. I am not saying I didn't have a happy childhood because for the most part I did, but these happy times were not in her company as even when she was being a 'good' mummy we were on edge as she could switch at any moment.
Its good (if that is the right word) to know that I am not the only one this has happened too.
I so agree with you warpig. It sounds exactly like my childhood. My Parents saw that we went for nothing and we always had nice clothes and holidays. But it's the anticipation of when the next 'outburst' was going to happen that puts you on edge. I had 2 brothers and the youngest got away with most things, but for me and my other Brother, we were always getting a smack for something quite trivial.
Now though, I feel quite bewildered sometimes because it seems like Dad has forgotten about all the abuse that went on, but I havn't, and never will.
Even when we meet now, it's like I am just doing 'my duty' as he is my Father.
Does that sound callous?
Now though, I feel quite bewildered sometimes because it seems like Dad has forgotten about all the abuse that went on, but I havn't, and never will.
Even when we meet now, it's like I am just doing 'my duty' as he is my Father.
Does that sound callous?
No, it doesn't sound callous to me Susan. They were the adults we were the children, we were not in control of the situation or their tempers.
I understand what you say about the 'anitcipation', I still feel sick thinking back on it.
Also, My mum seems to have forgotten just how bad she was but as you say, I havent forgotten either, nor will I. Strange thing is though, the youngest of us (age gap of 10 years between 2nd youngest and youngest) had a completely different childhood, not really any smacking, shouting etc. I recall mentioning something about mum being a lunatic mother and him staring blankly at me not having a clue what I was on about. Lucky him!
I understand what you say about the 'anitcipation', I still feel sick thinking back on it.
Also, My mum seems to have forgotten just how bad she was but as you say, I havent forgotten either, nor will I. Strange thing is though, the youngest of us (age gap of 10 years between 2nd youngest and youngest) had a completely different childhood, not really any smacking, shouting etc. I recall mentioning something about mum being a lunatic mother and him staring blankly at me not having a clue what I was on about. Lucky him!
I can totally understand where your coming from warpig - my Mum and Dad always argued with each other when I was a child - we never had a nice holiday without an argument - my Dad even smashed the living room furniture up once - as I was an only child, I always felt I had no one to share this with. It does stay with you - I am 53 years old now and my Mum and Dad are both 80 - and they still argue and bicker with each other (though my Mum has a form of dementia now) and it still gets to me. My Dad never smacked me as a child, but my Mum laid into me many times, and when I look back now, I was the model child, and could'nt understand why.
When they are in my home and they start bickering, I just want to say 'look this is my house, stop arguing' - but I don't, I just leave the room.
When incidents happen to you in childhood, it never leaves you - after all, you are still the child and they are the parent.
love Den xx
When they are in my home and they start bickering, I just want to say 'look this is my house, stop arguing' - but I don't, I just leave the room.
When incidents happen to you in childhood, it never leaves you - after all, you are still the child and they are the parent.
love Den xx
My youngest brother was the blue eyed boy, but I do not resent him for it as he passed away 7 years ago aged 39 and I have thanked God that he had a happy childhood. :-)
Like you say about not being the only one with these memories, I expect there are lots more like us out there who do not want to tell their story as it hurts too much.
I am glad we have this affinity warpig, and I hope you don't 'suffer' too much from your flashbacks.
It's been nice (like you also say, is nice the right word) to share this with you.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your day.
Susan.
xx
Like you say about not being the only one with these memories, I expect there are lots more like us out there who do not want to tell their story as it hurts too much.
I am glad we have this affinity warpig, and I hope you don't 'suffer' too much from your flashbacks.
It's been nice (like you also say, is nice the right word) to share this with you.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your day.
Susan.
xx
Hi Den, That was tough for you, especially being an only child, at least I had the knowledge that it was not just me getting it, and we could, as siblings, offer each other some sort of comfort.
As for holidays, I know what you mean. It seemed that all the troubles were just packed up with the rest of you clothes and transported to a different location!
My mum and dad still bicker away and it drives me nuts, I just want to tell them to shut up and stop being so annoying (to me) but I dont think they know any other way. I also refuse to engage in arguements because in my mind I dont want to be that person.
As for holidays, I know what you mean. It seemed that all the troubles were just packed up with the rest of you clothes and transported to a different location!
My mum and dad still bicker away and it drives me nuts, I just want to tell them to shut up and stop being so annoying (to me) but I dont think they know any other way. I also refuse to engage in arguements because in my mind I dont want to be that person.
Thank you susan, it is good to know that I am not alone. So sorry to hear that you brother passed away so young but he was fortunate in having a happy childhood. I never resented my younger brother either, I was just grateful that he didnt have to suffer what we did as I dont think being so much older, I could have stood back.
I feel a little better now, just knowing that others feel the same is comforting.
I think I just need to get my head into being my mothers equal as Lil o'lady said. Perhaps then mum will realise that I am not 'just' her child.
Many thanks
xxx
I feel a little better now, just knowing that others feel the same is comforting.
I think I just need to get my head into being my mothers equal as Lil o'lady said. Perhaps then mum will realise that I am not 'just' her child.
Many thanks
xxx
They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were ****** up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
By Philip Larkin
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were ****** up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
By Philip Larkin
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