Twenty Two Years And Counting.
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negative mind set, how to deal with my husband
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Hi Im looking for advice on how to deal with my husbands negative thoughts. They are becoming obsessive and it is eventually going to destroy me.
He came out of his job at christmas the stress was making him ill. We had talked for months befor about this decision and agreed it was the right thing to do as it was making him ill.
Now he is living in a world of complete negativity, I would say he has always been a negative person who has never had a positive outlook on life I can recall him saying he looks on the black side and anything else is a bounu. But when he was working and not under my feet I could handle it.
Since he came out of work he now feels that he will never work again, that he is totally unemployable, that we will run out of the money that we have saved, that we will never be able to sell our home when the time comes. The list goes on. Every morning he says I did not sleep last night do you know what I was thinking about. He spends most of his time either sitting over his calculator working out money or sitting on the computer sighing and say there is nothing out there. He has sent lots of CV of to companys but he expects results right away I keep saying he has to be patient.
We have enough funds to keep us going for years but he hates the thought of spending it, although he realises he will have to eventually. He says he is petrified that we will lose everything. His brother, his sons, his friends have all had words with him. No one sees any problem at the moment only himself. They have told him to relax go and play golf take the dogs for a walk get you bike out.
Ok if he had beeen out of work for two years I could understand his bad thoughts but it has been officially six weeks and the though of living the way we are at the moment is killing me. I took him to the doctor who says he has mild depression he gave him tablets to help, also sleeping tablets but he wont take them. He likes nothing more that to discuss his situation over and over again and it is draining me is all he talks about.
I have told him he is being very selfish all he thinks about is his own feelings. He knows he is upsetting me and so he feels more guilty, but all he says is he can not help it. If I threaten to walk out on him saying that he is killing me tries a little harder for a day maybe,
but soon goes back to his negativity.
How do I cope do I just carry on as normal and ignore him anyone been in this situation themselves I dont know who to ask I even tried to make him see a counsellor but he was having none of that saying he does not think that would help. We are going to Spain next week and I am totally dreading it I wish he would go on his own and give me bit of peace. Am I a bad person for feeling like this we have been married for 35 years and never really had any issues befor we really have no other worries we are very lucky to have what we have and we have a lot to be gratefull for. XXX
He came out of his job at christmas the stress was making him ill. We had talked for months befor about this decision and agreed it was the right thing to do as it was making him ill.
Now he is living in a world of complete negativity, I would say he has always been a negative person who has never had a positive outlook on life I can recall him saying he looks on the black side and anything else is a bounu. But when he was working and not under my feet I could handle it.
Since he came out of work he now feels that he will never work again, that he is totally unemployable, that we will run out of the money that we have saved, that we will never be able to sell our home when the time comes. The list goes on. Every morning he says I did not sleep last night do you know what I was thinking about. He spends most of his time either sitting over his calculator working out money or sitting on the computer sighing and say there is nothing out there. He has sent lots of CV of to companys but he expects results right away I keep saying he has to be patient.
We have enough funds to keep us going for years but he hates the thought of spending it, although he realises he will have to eventually. He says he is petrified that we will lose everything. His brother, his sons, his friends have all had words with him. No one sees any problem at the moment only himself. They have told him to relax go and play golf take the dogs for a walk get you bike out.
Ok if he had beeen out of work for two years I could understand his bad thoughts but it has been officially six weeks and the though of living the way we are at the moment is killing me. I took him to the doctor who says he has mild depression he gave him tablets to help, also sleeping tablets but he wont take them. He likes nothing more that to discuss his situation over and over again and it is draining me is all he talks about.
I have told him he is being very selfish all he thinks about is his own feelings. He knows he is upsetting me and so he feels more guilty, but all he says is he can not help it. If I threaten to walk out on him saying that he is killing me tries a little harder for a day maybe,
but soon goes back to his negativity.
How do I cope do I just carry on as normal and ignore him anyone been in this situation themselves I dont know who to ask I even tried to make him see a counsellor but he was having none of that saying he does not think that would help. We are going to Spain next week and I am totally dreading it I wish he would go on his own and give me bit of peace. Am I a bad person for feeling like this we have been married for 35 years and never really had any issues befor we really have no other worries we are very lucky to have what we have and we have a lot to be gratefull for. XXX
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I'm a bit surprised that the doctor only said this was mild depression, to be honest.
I think it's well worth having a go at your husband about counselling again. If he likes a good old moan about his circumstances, then that would help and a good counsellor might help him see things in perspective.
It sounds as though you need a break from him. Can you go away and stay with a friend for a bit? That might give him a bit of a jolt and make him realise what he is doing to you.
Another thought - you say he is applying for jobs, but if his last job caused him stress, maybe it would be a good idea to try to find a different line of employment altogether. Or even do a bit of voluntary work for a charity while he's job hunting? That would get him out and about, and would also look good on his CV (i.e. saying to potential employers, I may be out of work, but I don't just sit on my bum all day).
You are not a bad person for feeling like this. You're a decent person in a bad situation - there's a big difference.
Hope you both find a way forward soon.
I think it's well worth having a go at your husband about counselling again. If he likes a good old moan about his circumstances, then that would help and a good counsellor might help him see things in perspective.
It sounds as though you need a break from him. Can you go away and stay with a friend for a bit? That might give him a bit of a jolt and make him realise what he is doing to you.
Another thought - you say he is applying for jobs, but if his last job caused him stress, maybe it would be a good idea to try to find a different line of employment altogether. Or even do a bit of voluntary work for a charity while he's job hunting? That would get him out and about, and would also look good on his CV (i.e. saying to potential employers, I may be out of work, but I don't just sit on my bum all day).
You are not a bad person for feeling like this. You're a decent person in a bad situation - there's a big difference.
Hope you both find a way forward soon.
I haven't read your whole post but the beginning sounds like it might be clinical depression.
I have bipolar disorder and for the last three years or so I have been in a similar place to your husband - and it is not at all nice. The negativity will eat away at him and make him feel worse and he will feel that he is letting you down.
If the doctor gave him anti-depressants they should help. They won't solve the problem but might make him feel a little stronger so that he can cope with the 'stuff' going on in his head.
I am feeling a little better but my attention span and memory is baaaad. I find myself going to bed at tea-time and locking myself away from the big bad world. It is he11 on earth and sometimes you just don't want to go on.
It is going to be hard for both of you - he is in a great amount of pain and it is going to take time for the pain to go away.
Good luck
I have bipolar disorder and for the last three years or so I have been in a similar place to your husband - and it is not at all nice. The negativity will eat away at him and make him feel worse and he will feel that he is letting you down.
If the doctor gave him anti-depressants they should help. They won't solve the problem but might make him feel a little stronger so that he can cope with the 'stuff' going on in his head.
I am feeling a little better but my attention span and memory is baaaad. I find myself going to bed at tea-time and locking myself away from the big bad world. It is he11 on earth and sometimes you just don't want to go on.
It is going to be hard for both of you - he is in a great amount of pain and it is going to take time for the pain to go away.
Good luck
He sounds depressed to me, so should really be trying the tablets that the GP gave him. Counselling, if he would go and if he can get it on the NHS would also be a great help.
Unfortunately , he is on his own little treadmill of catastrophic thoughts , whirring round and round getting absolutely nowhere except more wound up. A decent counsellor should be able to help him get off.
Unfortunately, he has also got you going round and round with him as all of your I'm sure very sensible and caring advice is being countered by his negativity.
It's just a thought, but as nothing else is working, it might be worth a try....next time he starts in on a session of sighing and saying that there's no money etc etc, why don' t you try agreeing with him ?
Him "I don't know how we're going to manage."
You "I don't either."
Him "I'll never get another job."
You "Maybe you won't, so you'd better look into benefits. Why don't you check it out with the job centre."
As I said, doing what you're doing with him isn't working. Agreeing with him in a kind of 'challenging' way might prompt him to act differently.
I do wish you all the best as I think you and your husband have a very hard road ahead of you.
Unfortunately , he is on his own little treadmill of catastrophic thoughts , whirring round and round getting absolutely nowhere except more wound up. A decent counsellor should be able to help him get off.
Unfortunately, he has also got you going round and round with him as all of your I'm sure very sensible and caring advice is being countered by his negativity.
It's just a thought, but as nothing else is working, it might be worth a try....next time he starts in on a session of sighing and saying that there's no money etc etc, why don' t you try agreeing with him ?
Him "I don't know how we're going to manage."
You "I don't either."
Him "I'll never get another job."
You "Maybe you won't, so you'd better look into benefits. Why don't you check it out with the job centre."
As I said, doing what you're doing with him isn't working. Agreeing with him in a kind of 'challenging' way might prompt him to act differently.
I do wish you all the best as I think you and your husband have a very hard road ahead of you.
From your language I suspect he isn't the only one with a depression problem...
Married 35 years so my guess is he is 55ish Still young enough to retrain or at least add to his skill set.... also if unemployed he may be able to use local council fitness facilities... improving fitness actually helps with employability as well as improving mood... Given a choice of a fit 55 year old or a 40 year old couch potato some employees might just swing his way as it will give a good impression of his self worth etc... (and it gets him out of your hair for an hour or two) Improving IT skills if they are not too good or he doesn't have qualifications to back up skills he does have, and also possibly considering something new... A friends husband was a credit controller for Rover but he took a job as a hospital porter when they collapsed and loved it the contact with people made so much difference to him....
Married 35 years so my guess is he is 55ish Still young enough to retrain or at least add to his skill set.... also if unemployed he may be able to use local council fitness facilities... improving fitness actually helps with employability as well as improving mood... Given a choice of a fit 55 year old or a 40 year old couch potato some employees might just swing his way as it will give a good impression of his self worth etc... (and it gets him out of your hair for an hour or two) Improving IT skills if they are not too good or he doesn't have qualifications to back up skills he does have, and also possibly considering something new... A friends husband was a credit controller for Rover but he took a job as a hospital porter when they collapsed and loved it the contact with people made so much difference to him....
If he has a lot he wants to talk about, if he isn't keen on counselling then how about he goes to speak to someone like a career counsellor or education provider about doing some kind of course which could keep him a bit more occupied or teach him more skills. Maybe something physical too which could help him get some of the stress out that way.
Sounds like his situation is overwhelming him and he needs some kind of out but he has to want to have a break in his negativity. Maybe as he is so self focussed it might help to appeal to that, ask if he wants to carry on feeling as badly as he does and if, hopefully, the answer is no, encourage him to be proactive to make changes and not keep letting a bad patch in his past that he's now had an escape from affect his future.
It's probably a lot of crap just repeating itself over years of stress and he's finding it hard to break the cycle. Maybe made harder by the reality that escaping one overwhelmingly stressful situation isn't without issues in itself. Maybe a break could be a good starting point for that. It can be hard to let go of negative feelings if it's something that has gone on for a long time and may be so tightly strung about it it's hard to let go - maybe as it's been for a while he is scared of letting it go and falling apart.
It may be easier to go for a staged approach, bits of consistent improvement (with positive encouragement) as time goes on rather than one drastic change, make it seem a little more achievable for him.
Sounds like his situation is overwhelming him and he needs some kind of out but he has to want to have a break in his negativity. Maybe as he is so self focussed it might help to appeal to that, ask if he wants to carry on feeling as badly as he does and if, hopefully, the answer is no, encourage him to be proactive to make changes and not keep letting a bad patch in his past that he's now had an escape from affect his future.
It's probably a lot of crap just repeating itself over years of stress and he's finding it hard to break the cycle. Maybe made harder by the reality that escaping one overwhelmingly stressful situation isn't without issues in itself. Maybe a break could be a good starting point for that. It can be hard to let go of negative feelings if it's something that has gone on for a long time and may be so tightly strung about it it's hard to let go - maybe as it's been for a while he is scared of letting it go and falling apart.
It may be easier to go for a staged approach, bits of consistent improvement (with positive encouragement) as time goes on rather than one drastic change, make it seem a little more achievable for him.
I can see parallels between your husband's outlook and my own, but fortunately I'm not in the same position as he, but I'd like to think it helps me grasp his situation. Whilst I sympathise with family & friends who are also affected by another's despair, I do think the way forward is not to berate someone who is already feeling that life is offering little. Being selfish is more appropriate when someone is ok and yet still grab things for themself without regards to others: not so much when they're feeling hopeless and simply can't cope with thinking about others needs. Hard though it is, support is a better option than an angry reaction.
Since you have your life too, and have every right to hope for help from a partner rather than being dragged down, it makes for a difficult time for you both: and I suspect you both need to search for help. As you have become aware your present coping mechanisms are just making both of you feel bad. Go bad and explain to the doc exactly how bad things are.
Yes, ultimately you could opt to split up, but after 35 years + that would have to be the very last resort. Maybe the holiday will help as long as for a while both of you can leave their worries behind and live in the moment. But for a longer term turn around, you guys need the experts.
Since you have your life too, and have every right to hope for help from a partner rather than being dragged down, it makes for a difficult time for you both: and I suspect you both need to search for help. As you have become aware your present coping mechanisms are just making both of you feel bad. Go bad and explain to the doc exactly how bad things are.
Yes, ultimately you could opt to split up, but after 35 years + that would have to be the very last resort. Maybe the holiday will help as long as for a while both of you can leave their worries behind and live in the moment. But for a longer term turn around, you guys need the experts.
Hi cris, I agree with the above , it sounds like your husband is going through a more severe depression than he has been diagnosed with. However if he is not able to share his fears, thoughts etc with you , his only outlet at the moment, he may well feel unable to cope.
It might help you both to structure times for discussion , perhaps an hour in the morning and then an hour in the afternoon where he can unburden himself, talk through his worries and concerns but then the exact time the hour is up , it is over and he stops the diatribe that is blighting you both until the next time. Meanwhile encourage him to do something constructive with his life . You may be able to cope if you know it is only an hours duration. Don't give up, and NO you are not a bad person, a very caring one, by the sound of it all.
It might help you both to structure times for discussion , perhaps an hour in the morning and then an hour in the afternoon where he can unburden himself, talk through his worries and concerns but then the exact time the hour is up , it is over and he stops the diatribe that is blighting you both until the next time. Meanwhile encourage him to do something constructive with his life . You may be able to cope if you know it is only an hours duration. Don't give up, and NO you are not a bad person, a very caring one, by the sound of it all.
Do you know I so apprieciate all the replys to this thread. I have read through all of them and I can say everything you guys have mentioned I have done with him.
To start he is and aways has been a very fit person. up untill two weeks ago he was still playing racket ball ( two weeks ago he collasped on court and they called the ambulance. He refused to go to the hospital so I took him and they said he was ok. He has not played since we have two dogs he started to take them out in the day but he says he does not get much out of walking them. They are my dogs and are use to me walking them and they are a handful. We do go together at the weekend and we walk four or five miles.
I asked him whilst he is looking for a new job to go and volunteer and in all fairness he went down to ask but all the roles they offered he felt he could not cope with, it is just not him.
They suggested he council drug users and things along this line but it is just not him. He would be thinking that they would follow him home This is how his mind is working at the moment. As for talking for an hour a day I have also tried this but it did not work I would have to take myself out of the house. He said to me last night you have not been to the gym for a while and I replyed how can i go out and leave you. I feel like I am abandening the ship that is going down. So I just dont talk about it. Sometimes I bite back but mostly I ignore, as for agreeing with him I have done that as well told him its all his fault told him that he should have stayed at the job for another six months had a heart attack through stress and he would have died then we would all be happy would't we. He just looked at me balnk. He can not get it through his head the decision he made was the right decision at the time and that he can not look back and wish other things. he says he just wants to work again and then he might feel better but he will not have the patience to wait and hope. He is a joiner by trade and he has a small start next week only two days but he is still not happy its not happening fast enough for him. He is so use to being control and he is not at the moment. Thanks again xxxx
To start he is and aways has been a very fit person. up untill two weeks ago he was still playing racket ball ( two weeks ago he collasped on court and they called the ambulance. He refused to go to the hospital so I took him and they said he was ok. He has not played since we have two dogs he started to take them out in the day but he says he does not get much out of walking them. They are my dogs and are use to me walking them and they are a handful. We do go together at the weekend and we walk four or five miles.
I asked him whilst he is looking for a new job to go and volunteer and in all fairness he went down to ask but all the roles they offered he felt he could not cope with, it is just not him.
They suggested he council drug users and things along this line but it is just not him. He would be thinking that they would follow him home This is how his mind is working at the moment. As for talking for an hour a day I have also tried this but it did not work I would have to take myself out of the house. He said to me last night you have not been to the gym for a while and I replyed how can i go out and leave you. I feel like I am abandening the ship that is going down. So I just dont talk about it. Sometimes I bite back but mostly I ignore, as for agreeing with him I have done that as well told him its all his fault told him that he should have stayed at the job for another six months had a heart attack through stress and he would have died then we would all be happy would't we. He just looked at me balnk. He can not get it through his head the decision he made was the right decision at the time and that he can not look back and wish other things. he says he just wants to work again and then he might feel better but he will not have the patience to wait and hope. He is a joiner by trade and he has a small start next week only two days but he is still not happy its not happening fast enough for him. He is so use to being control and he is not at the moment. Thanks again xxxx
Yes ladybird this was the first thing he did he put an advert in the local paper this was three weeks ago, He has had one job and hopefully he will do this when he comes back from spain but as i have said they are not coming in fast enough for him. Have just had another mad hour with him talking about the tax he has to pay in the year 2012 to 2013. At least he has now gone for a sauna so have a couple of hours me time xxxx Bless him x
Cris, I'm glad you're getting a bit of 'me time', but it sounds like you need a lot more than a couple of hours. Are you able to get out at all, see friends or family without hubby for a bit? Staying in and chilling for a bit while your husband is out is fine, but you're still at home where everything around you is a reminder of the problems you're having.
Your husband is in a very bad state, that's obvious, but you can't carry on being strong for him indefinitely. Elastic will only stretch so far! Look after yourself as you need your strength.
It does sound to me that he is clinically depressed, not just mild depression as you were told. Can you at least get him back to the doctor again, or go and see the doctor on your own and express your concerns? Your husband might not listen to you when you suggest counselling, but his GP telling him might be taken a bit more seriously.
Look after yourself, Cris. x
Your husband is in a very bad state, that's obvious, but you can't carry on being strong for him indefinitely. Elastic will only stretch so far! Look after yourself as you need your strength.
It does sound to me that he is clinically depressed, not just mild depression as you were told. Can you at least get him back to the doctor again, or go and see the doctor on your own and express your concerns? Your husband might not listen to you when you suggest counselling, but his GP telling him might be taken a bit more seriously.
Look after yourself, Cris. x
When OH was out of work he went on a 2-day course on Volunteering, he found that really helpful, that might be worth considering?
I know what your husband feels like, I was in a similar state of mind many years ago. Obsessive about things which don't really matter in the scheme of things. Mine turned out to be clinical depression - he needs to go back to the doc and you need to go with him, as he might not be telling the doc eveything.
At least he's going to Spain - I lost interest in doing anything at all.
Telling him to buck up or go and play golf etc doesn't work, he needs someone to go with him, invite him out and incentivise him. If like I did you then find that those things do make you feel a bit better, you are more likely to do it again - just doing them on your own feels pointless and a waste of effort.
He has to go to the doc, and he has to take the medication, otherwise it's just a downward spiral. He sounds like he wants to get out of it, and that's a big first step.
Joking apart - when you're in Spain, get him looking at joinery jobs out there... you never know....
I know what your husband feels like, I was in a similar state of mind many years ago. Obsessive about things which don't really matter in the scheme of things. Mine turned out to be clinical depression - he needs to go back to the doc and you need to go with him, as he might not be telling the doc eveything.
At least he's going to Spain - I lost interest in doing anything at all.
Telling him to buck up or go and play golf etc doesn't work, he needs someone to go with him, invite him out and incentivise him. If like I did you then find that those things do make you feel a bit better, you are more likely to do it again - just doing them on your own feels pointless and a waste of effort.
He has to go to the doc, and he has to take the medication, otherwise it's just a downward spiral. He sounds like he wants to get out of it, and that's a big first step.
Joking apart - when you're in Spain, get him looking at joinery jobs out there... you never know....
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