Losing friends. Careless or genius? Need help fast!

[nellypope]

My name is nellipope and I have virtually no friends! I am hoping to achieve a higher state of friendlessness by 2013.  It's been a hard slog, but I found that with the help of a few indignant comments over Facebook, or some derogatory remarks about a friend's kitten pics my friend list count has dropped from 44 to 23. And I feel this is reason to celebrate. Why? Well for a while now I have felt that my friends were a burden to me (or was  I a burden to them) here the line is somewhat blurred .  . . . But i digress, I need to get out of two upcoming social events a 35th birthday party and a hen night. I am 38 years old, married with two kids, I have never enjoyed hen nights/girls nights out for the following reasons: 

Hen night scenario 1: a good mate gets really pissed, starts sobbing over marriage/work/kitten issues and I end up staying sober to ensure they make it home. NEVER LEAVE A WOUNDED SOLDIER.

Hen night scenario 2: I get really pissed, after being "forced" to drink half a pint of Sambuca (various flavours) and end up sleeping in the downstairs guest room otherwise known as the downstairs WC, with only Peppa Pig Wellies for a pillow. PLEASE NOTE, I have to make it home on my own . . . . No chaperone for me!

Hen night scenario 3: the bride gets really pisssed and starts regretting the pending marriage as the groom was caught screwing the local mobile spray tan girl and they had a foursome with a couple from the local PTA. It is at this point I am unsure as to whether the bride-to-be is upset because she didn't receive an invite, but feel it probably wouldn't be correct procedure to question her further. 

But I am tired, I am sick and tired of making up excuses to get out of these events the amount of time and energy I am wasting in the name of diplomacy and "niceness" is just draining. Please help me think of some ridiculous excuses to get out of these and other future events?

I have supplied a template, as follows;

"Sorry I can't make it to your (Hen night/birthday party/baby shower/other*) because (PLEASE INSERT RIDICULOUS EXCUSE HERE) but thanks for the invite! "

*please delete where appropriate.

[cathfromsaron]

hope you enjoy whatever you do!

i hate cats BUT would never dare comment as such on FB!

cath x

[flump1]

Hi there nellypope, your post made me laugh. If you feel as fed up with the thought of future gatherings as you say you do......you must just say .you simply do not ant to come. I agree with you, sometimes these parties are so alcohol fuelled nobody can remember much after the event. Your friends will respect you more if you politely decline ( no explanation necessary ) . However if you feel the need to explain your absence , blame age. Just say the older I get the less I enjoy these things, And do what You want to do.

[boxtops]

Well, it has to be genius, nellypope - many of us carry with us people who drag us down, we're there for them rather than it being mutual.

You run the risk of becoming a hermit, but you could say "...because I am no longer attending social occasions...." and leave it at that. or just be frank and say "I don't want to upset you but I don't want to come out that night".

[Tilly2]

You could always say you're having your hair done.

[nellypope]

It wasn't my finest moment Cath, feel a little guilty. They were asking for names for their kitten, people suggested, 'socks','quavers', 'cookie' I suggested 'Temporary' with the explanation that if anything happened to it they wouldn't feel so bad. . . . I don't really hate cats (although they are moody b****ards) but I though I was being funny ;-) oops!

[AB Editor]

This post is perfect for Monday morning. Thank you.

Suggest that you're on medication which means 1. you can't drink, 2. you can't drive and 3. acts as a mild sedative and therefore you'll be asleep by 10pm anyway. If they ask what you've got just say molestiusculo and it should clear up in a matter of 40-60 years.

[boxtops]

nelly, you're not alone btw - I hate hen nights with a vengeance, and anything else with present-gathering intentions like baby showers and engagement parties. They just seem commercial to me. I don't go.

[nellypope]

I'm liking the idea of honesty (it's rather refreshing) us women have a knack for over contemplating these things. I think I may go with:

"Sorry I can't make it to your (Hen night/birthday party/baby shower/other*) due to recent incarceration at Her Majesty's Pleasure (visiting hours to follow) but thanks for the invite! "

No really . . . .
"Sorry I can't make it to your (Hen night/birthday party/baby shower/other*) because I am not attending social events this year but thanks for the invite! "

[boxtops]

Ed - genius

[sunny-dave]

I find that simply saying "I am washing my gerbil that night" causes invites to gently fade away ....

[Sqad]

What on earth is a "baby shower?"

Never heard of it.

[Sqad]

\\\\\Ed - genius\\\\

ooooh! you creep boxy.....I have you down for the next moderator vacancy...;-)

[nellypope]

It's interesting because reading your responses makes me wonder. Sometimes we like being lied to, we appreciate the effort that a friend has put into crafting a lie, and maybe, just maybe if I come up with a truly magnificent one (will take some caffeine and late nights to write it) but she may truly be grateful for my humorous, if not transparent excuse, laugh and also spread the word that I am really not up for that sort of stuff, but the friendship remains intact, thereby achieving true friendship status. . . . . Or perhaps she'll see me as a sarcastic ungrateful cow! What you think?

[flump1]

nellypope, it is easier in the long run of things to decline invitations like these if you know you just won't enjoy them. You may well be the topic of conversation at the said bash as folk speculate why you are not there !! You also tend to make new friends, people like-minded who have a good time without all the hype.
As to naming of the cat ooops but friends should have laughed off a suggestion as daft as that one.!

[boxtops]

LOL @ sqad :-)

a baby shower is an event when the pregnant woman has a party (usually near the end of her term) and her mates come and shower her with gifts for said infant.....

[nellypope]

Baby showers = present giving opportunities for pregnant women. They were thought up by and are sponsored by the revenue generating department at Mothercare (probably) ;-) they are simply wrong, no booze (it's not a party without some booze) and pastel shaded cakes.

[boxtops]

nelly, it's like Christmas and birthday "little gifts"- you start, then you can't get out of it. Most of us here have stopped it now on the grounds that we can't afford it, but tbh you can only take so many recycled hand cream or battery-driven candles before it all ends up in the charity shop. For some it was the act of giving the gift, rather than the appropriateness of it for the recipient, which mattered to them. We don't do it any more.

[Sqad]

boxy....never heard of the bloody thing.....does the child have to be called Jesus and does one have to arrive on horseback after following a star?

Loud of nonsense.

[mike11111]

I have very little to laugh about these days but Nelly, this is brill!
Sqad, a baby shower, like bridal shower is an Americanism. It is basically a party to celebrate the birth of an infant/impending marriage and give lots of presents.

[mike11111]

"...does one have to arrive on horseback after following a star?"

If I were a camel I'd take the hump at that remark!