One Huge Family Mess. :o(

[Jenarry]

I really need to share as i am feeling very worried.
I love my life and the people who are in it and I have learnt over the years to keep people that cause me stress and trouble at arms length .this has worked very well and everything has been rosy. me and my partner got married this year and we now have a baby on the way ,my 8 yr old son who has health problems is doing very well and starting to learn to look after it himself. all is good. .....except something has happened outside my happy little family unit that is threatening to turn all this upside down.
My brother after breaking up with his long term gf who he has a 8yr old daughter with met someone new and very quickly they became pregnant in January.
The social services are heavily involved because the new gf has history with social services and has had 3 children taken out of her care.
My brothers ex knows all this and refuses their daughter to meet new gf and from what I can gather my brother and his ex has had a huge row today and she has told him he is not allowed to see his daughter now. .and I have a horrible feeling that this will pass down to me and my parents not being able to see her either. I have a lovely relationship with my niece and we spend lots of time together with days out and her coming over for sleep overs. It makes me sick to think that I won't be able to see her. her home life is far from good so I love that she gets to spend some 'normal ' family time with us or my parents. we will all miss out so much if it stops.
Also social services have involved me and my parents with the upcoming baby and we have had to commit to giving lots of emotional and practical support if they are allowed to keep baby. we have guaranteed that we will make regular visits every other day between us to check on them and to help them with anything they need.
And if they are not allowed to keep the baby which will be from when baby is born in about 6 weeks they want me or my parents to step up and adopt the baby ourselves otherwise it will go into foster care and then adopted by someone else .
While me and my mum both hate the thought of baby being adopted by someone else and we feel we should adopt ourselves if it comes to that decision we both know what a huge life changing decision this is.
My mum and dad are in their mid 60's and retired and are worried that they are fit now but what about in 5/10/18 years time.
And what with us having our own baby on the way to take on their baby in October whilst I have a pregnancy to get thru and having my own baby in march how will we manage . I will have to give up work a LOT sooner and for longer than planned ,will we have space for 2 ,we will get help financially and is all this fair on my 8 yr old and my hubbie.
We all hoping and praying that the social services give them a chance and with their help and ours my brother and gf get to keep the baby and do everything that is needed of them.
and I am now hoping that things settle down with the ex and we can all see our lovely daughter/niece/grandaughter still. :O( I wouldn't put it past the ex to stop us from seeing her indefinitely as she has a track record of this.

[Jenarry]

sorry for the huge outpouring .There has been so much gone on this week my head is spinning. things have just been turned upside down. :O(

[sherrardk]

I'm so sorry to read this but I honestly don't know what advice to offer - just wanted you to know that your post had been read, x

[Bathsheba]

ditto from me :)

x x x

[Hopkirk]

I think it may be best to say now that you cannot adopt the baby, as it is clearly not an option with your own baby due.

I would also discourage your parents from doing it either.

Is it such a bad thing if it gets adopted? No doubt the prospective adopters will be thoroughly vetted and very keen to give a baby a loving home.

[Jenarry]

Thankyou both. xx
When we were talking with the social workers earlier this week it was regards baby but the subject of my brothers daughter kept coming up too and that we could see how easily this could turn into a case of my brother(and possibly us) not being allowed to see her. the social workers seemed to see everything in black and white terms and that their main concerns were for the plans for the baby and that she would have no right to stop him seeing his daughter.
True but that is what she is doing just as we thought. :(

[Jenarry]

Thankyou Hopkirk.
A friend has said something similar to me. I think if it comes to crunch that will be a truth we will have to face up to. The thought of my nephew and my parents grandson not becoming a part of our family is very hard though.
I also feel that my mum is very keen to take baby on for my brother's sake too so he doesn't lose him but I'm not sure how much help he will be long term.

[Canary42]

This is my personal opinion only, I don't feel too qualified to give advice, but here goes:

The Social Services are using emotional blackmail to get you to adopt this baby because it's the easy option for them. Under no circumstances must you give in to this UNLESS you really want to (which you should consider very carefully - personally with your potential commitments I don't think you should). I think you should make a formal complaint about the Social Services' behaviour too.

As regards your niece, your brother needs to address access vigorously through the Courts.

[Jenarry]

I have felt a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing. It was my 1st meeting/discussion with anyone about this whole matter and although me and my mum and said we would offer any support we can ten minutes into the meeting they were talking about the Plan B where my parents or me take on the child. :O( No background information ,i didn't know if this would be a temporary measure or til child is 18,whether we would get any help or financial support,how it would work legally and yet they want us to say yes we are willing to do this.
When I asked the social worker whether it would be short term until my brother and his gf have been deemed to have got their 'act together' or permanent til child is 18 she skated around it and didn't even answer the question. :O(
I also have a feeling that if my mum insists on taking on baby that sooner or later I will have to take over this responsibilty as they aren't getting any younger so either way it will be down to me. I know that sounds awful but I think it is the way it will go.

[Mamyalynne]

This is such a tangled and emotional situation that it is almost impossible to step back and think practically-but you must.

As Hopkirk says adoption for the new baby may be the best option, then you as a family try to resolve the issues surrounding the niece you so love.

I don't envy you the choices to make but wish you well in trying to sort this out.

[Jenarry]

Thankyou mamalynne. It is a tangled mess and it feels like such major things as having to take on a baby and whether I can see my niece is all in the hands of either professionals or people who are carrying on like
kids in a playground squabble. :(

[Old_Geezer]

Wow, too much info for my poor old brain to take in and retain, but I did wonder if fostering was a possible/better option as then when things have settled down the situation could be reviewed anew.

I suspect aunts & uncles tend to have little rights over access as such but I hope all concerned can come to an amicable arrangement. For sure the couple concerned seem to be in too volatile a situation to just leave it be. The authorities will have to settle the situation even if it means folk not being overly happy with the decisions made.

All I can think to suggest at the moment is to concentrate on calming down, and encouraging others to do the same. When things are out of your control it's best to make an effect to accept and simply suggest or keep tabs on what is going on rather than get overwhelmed with it all. Deep breaths, and as unemotional as you can achieve.

[Jenarry]

Thankyou Old geezer.I know there is a lot going on and it's all a mess and not the world I or my parents have anything to do with but unfortunately things are v different in my brother's world.
I was feeling overwhelmed and v worried about the upcoming baby and the situation with my niece.
I think my brother's ex was saying things in anger on thursday about my brother not seeing his daughter and she went on to say me and parents weren't going to see her either ...Me jumping in and giving my twopence worth wasn't going to help so going to see how the land lays in the next couple of weeks.
As for me or my parents taking on my brother's baby - we have talked about it with friends and amongst ourselves and although hard we have decided it is not right for us to do. We would be doing because we feel we should but it is such a huge commitment and too big for both of us to take on with our own circumstances. :(

[Jenarry]

my mum suggested us fostering baby instead and seeing how we go but I think that will make the decision even harder emotionally because we will start bonding with baby. :o(

[bednobs]

and i think it would be incredibly hard to be the parent of your brother's baby

[boxtops]

Jenarry, what a horrible situation to be in - particularly as your own little family life seemed to be a good place, with your own baby on the way.

I can't believe SS have suggested your taking on another baby - it seems incredible to me to suggest that, or for your parents to take on a new baby either at their stage of life - but what a difficult situation. I have not heard of the wider family being involved like this, but obviously it must happen.

I can only echo what others say, that sad though it may seem, you have to think of your own family and your parents' welfare. This situation is not of your making, it's your brother's situation - you may have to stand your ground. I can't imagine what it would be like in future, if you adopted your brother's child - he would never be able to tell the child, you would be its parents. Extremely hard all round.

[kloofnek]

Poor little baby...what chaos it is creating before it even comes into the world.This must be a very hard decision to make especially as it is your niece/nephew but as you feel you cannot take the responsibilty for it(if need be),better to have it adopted as you may eventually resent the child if you take it into your care.
Maybe have it fostered out at first but don`t leave it too long to make the final decision as it would not be fair to the child to let it get used to it`s foster parents and then to take it away from them.

I am sure you will do what is right and my thoughts are with you at this awful time.

[Lanson11]

Oh dear! And none of your doing! It's very sad to see your brother make what seems to be a wrong choice, but his life and his baby's are not your responsibility. You have your own family. He must look after his. If the baby is adopted, think how happy she will make another family who want her. You might end up resenting her if you adopt her because you have to. Support his abandoned ex-girlfriend. I am sure she would appreciate it and continue to let you see your niece. Good luck!