Spectator N0 2680 : "Two Of A...
Crosswords1 min ago
Talbot's Story
71 Answers
Talbot was born 12 minutes after his non identical twin Turbot. Turbot grew into a strong, handsome, clever, popular boy. Talbot didn't.
Talbot was the kid that was never picked for anything at school. Small, weedy and wearing National Health pink spectacles with one arm held on with elastoplast, he loathed all sports, in particular football, which he knew nothing about. His one moment of glory came when the school staged a production of Frankenstein and his was picked to play the role of Igor.
"Such a realistic lisp" muttered several parents in awe.
His one friend was a rat caught by the school caretaker. Talbot persuaded the caretaker to let him have the rat and take it home.
He called the rat Ben and spent many any hour talking to it.
"Ben, most people would turn you away, I don't lithen to a word they thay."
Turbot gathered an impressive clutch of qualifications and headed off to Oxford, after which he became something big in the city and earned a small fortune.
Talbot stayed at home with his parents in the village of Answerbank Under the Wold where he did odd jobs around the village, such as trimming the bushes of elderly ladies and rat catching.
One day his mother pointed out a job advert to him in the local paper.
"Person wanted to catch rodents and care for owls at a local property."
His mother hurried off to the children's department at Marks & Spencer to buy Talbot a suit for his interview.
"For God'th thake mother, I am twenty thix, I can't wear thith" he wailed as he surveyed himself in the mirror in the cute sailor suit she had bought him.
She packed him off for interview at the manor house belonging to an international supermodel, philanthropist and all round good egg. The lady of the manor thought he looked like an owl, with his eyes appearing huge behind the thick lenses of his spectacles, and his beaky nose.
She took pity on him and as he was the only applicant for the job, she told him the position was his.
Talbot was overjoyed at the thought of adding to his collection of rodents and headed off to the local pub, The Quizzes & Puzzles Arms. As he drank his sweet sherry, he smiled to himself as his life was finally on on the up.
Talbot was the kid that was never picked for anything at school. Small, weedy and wearing National Health pink spectacles with one arm held on with elastoplast, he loathed all sports, in particular football, which he knew nothing about. His one moment of glory came when the school staged a production of Frankenstein and his was picked to play the role of Igor.
"Such a realistic lisp" muttered several parents in awe.
His one friend was a rat caught by the school caretaker. Talbot persuaded the caretaker to let him have the rat and take it home.
He called the rat Ben and spent many any hour talking to it.
"Ben, most people would turn you away, I don't lithen to a word they thay."
Turbot gathered an impressive clutch of qualifications and headed off to Oxford, after which he became something big in the city and earned a small fortune.
Talbot stayed at home with his parents in the village of Answerbank Under the Wold where he did odd jobs around the village, such as trimming the bushes of elderly ladies and rat catching.
One day his mother pointed out a job advert to him in the local paper.
"Person wanted to catch rodents and care for owls at a local property."
His mother hurried off to the children's department at Marks & Spencer to buy Talbot a suit for his interview.
"For God'th thake mother, I am twenty thix, I can't wear thith" he wailed as he surveyed himself in the mirror in the cute sailor suit she had bought him.
She packed him off for interview at the manor house belonging to an international supermodel, philanthropist and all round good egg. The lady of the manor thought he looked like an owl, with his eyes appearing huge behind the thick lenses of his spectacles, and his beaky nose.
She took pity on him and as he was the only applicant for the job, she told him the position was his.
Talbot was overjoyed at the thought of adding to his collection of rodents and headed off to the local pub, The Quizzes & Puzzles Arms. As he drank his sweet sherry, he smiled to himself as his life was finally on on the up.
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Thanks to Walt......
O Talbot! our Turbot! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather’d every eccles snack, ratter's prize we sought is won;
Whitby is near, mrs O's bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the unsteady keel, the vessel gness's daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of ael,
Where on the deck Talbo's Ben lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
2
O Talbot! our Turbot! rise up and hear mrs O's bells;
Rise up—for you her flag is flung—for you minty's bugle trills;
For you haddock and oily chips—for you the shores an AB-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying Balders and sunnyDave, their drunken faces turning;
Here Talbot! dear Ben's father!
This elastoplaster arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,
Ben's fallen cold and dead.
Our Talbot does not answer, his lips are pale and his lisp still;
He doesn't feel his severed arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From such a shoota trip, the victor ship, comes in with a svejk object won;
Exult, O Alba shores, and ring, mrs O's bells!
But I, with prudie tread,
Walk the deck our Talbot lies,
Next to Ben who's fallen cold and dead.
O Talbot! our Turbot! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather’d every eccles snack, ratter's prize we sought is won;
Whitby is near, mrs O's bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the unsteady keel, the vessel gness's daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of ael,
Where on the deck Talbo's Ben lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
2
O Talbot! our Turbot! rise up and hear mrs O's bells;
Rise up—for you her flag is flung—for you minty's bugle trills;
For you haddock and oily chips—for you the shores an AB-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying Balders and sunnyDave, their drunken faces turning;
Here Talbot! dear Ben's father!
This elastoplaster arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,
Ben's fallen cold and dead.
Our Talbot does not answer, his lips are pale and his lisp still;
He doesn't feel his severed arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From such a shoota trip, the victor ship, comes in with a svejk object won;
Exult, O Alba shores, and ring, mrs O's bells!
But I, with prudie tread,
Walk the deck our Talbot lies,
Next to Ben who's fallen cold and dead.
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