I Really Dislike My 25 Year Old Daughters Boyfriend, It's Tearing Me Apart, Some Advice Please!

[kazza55]

Our daughter is 25. She's very bright, intelligent, hard working and has always been a kind and loving daughter. She's also extremely attractive and fun to be with. She left home a year after finishing University, found herself a good job, learned to drive. She's been with her current boyfriend for 2 years now. He's 28 and was broke and living with his parents when they met. We were not impressed when we first met him although he's not a bad person and is quite friendly, and polite, there's no conversation unless its about football, eating and drinking. He's never asked us any questions about ourselves or shown much interest. He's never read a book in his life and has no qualifications or skills. It gets very boring, he's always looking at his phone,even at the table, and we have since realized that he gambles frequently, but we don't know how much. They have no mutual friends either.
We tried to make him welcome in our home, as they're a couple. My husband says that I'll just have to accept the situation, although he doesn't know what she sees in him either.
Our daughter has been subsidising him from the start of their relationship. Her boyfriend had taken out a large payday loan when he started his new job. He moved in with her a couple of months after they started seeing each other and we wondered why they never had any spare money and were scrimping and scraping. At the time she was paying nearly all the bills. He never helped much around the house, never once even mowed the lawn. I was angry, but didn't say much because she seemed really happy.
They're still together and want to rent a nice house between them and say that they are about to start saving up together.
Our daughter now works two jobs in order to buy herself some clothes,etc. and be able to save faster. She drives him to work and back every day (some 200 miles a month) He could quite easily get the bus. To his credit, her boyfriend does help out a bit more as she's working between 60 -70 hours a week now! My husband says that its up to her, as they're a couple and it's none of our business, but I think he's a lazy, useless, ignorant taker. If anything goes wrong with the car, etc. she has to sort it herself. He's never to my knowledge bought anything for the rooms that they've shared. She owes money on her credit card now and pays all the running of the car.
Her boyfriend has made little jokes and mentions them getting engaged in the future and stuff like that when we're with them. I can't make out if he's serious, or is just winding me up. I just ignore it. I did tell our daughter once that I thought she was trying to polish a turd and I didn't think that they were suited, but we've still fed them and made him welcome when she comes to visit, we've taken them out for lunches, dinner on special occasions and they've come for Xmas day too.
We recently took them away for a few days. It was for our daughter's benefit really, we wanted to spoil her and spend some time together as we were going away anyway. (I was worried, as she is starting to look haggard and has dark circles under her eyes.) Her boyfriend was ok, we got along fairly well. We were a bit annoyed that he didn't offer to buy us a drink, ice cream or anything. There's always an excuse. Our daughter would give you her last penny, but we were hoping that he'd offer to open his wallet for once, he earns good money, but has never, ever bought us so much as a cup of tea. We don't do things in order to get something back in return, we're not like that.
I'ts now come to the point where I can't stand the sight of him and I've got no respect. My husband says that we risk alienating our daughter, but I found out that he'd gambled as usual while she was slaving in her second job.I'm beginning to think that he has a gambling problem. Do I mind my own business? Do I voice my concerns to her? I don't want him in my home anymore, it's tearing me apart, I feel like she's wasting her youth on this lame duck.

[Mamyalynne]

Whilst I understand (have two daughters myself) you really do have to step away - all you can really do is make sure she knows you care that she's OK and she can come to you with anything that worries her.

Then let her live her life.

Tough isn't it?

[Rockrose]

As you say you mind your own business, your daughter is an adult

[ummmm]

Mind your own business. Simple as that.

[Eleena]

Hi Kazza, have you directly asked her if she's alright & happy?

[Eleena]

Spath, it can seem that way. Sometimes it's just coming to terms that it really isn't and admitting that. I asked my daughter djrectly, she's been back here with me since January with my granddaughter. It's much easier to carry on doing the same than it is to make the break, there's so much invested. What happens, who goes where, jobs ect..

[Georgiesmum]

I think you need to step back and not study everything he says or does.,but let your daughter know that if she ever has any problems you will be there for her.
Its her life after all, not yours.

[Eleena]

It was a massive relief to her that I'd asked and I said to her, you know you can come back here whenever. You can keep your nose out as I did for a long time, but I could see there were things that weren't right, you trust your instinct.

[kazza55]

Thank you so much for all your answers, I really appreciate it!
Yes, my daughter seems to be happy. I still think that her boyfriend should be working 2 jobs to save some money and help her clear the credit card debt. It's mainly down to him that they have no savings, there's been no holidays,etc. and they are still living in a small bedroom. She should be the one taking it easy. When we see him, he's always boasting about how much he had to drink when he was out with his mates and how much he's won betting on the football/horses, etc.
We've let her know that she'll always have a home with us if she ever needs it. She's never liked living by herself though. Both sets of grandparents and her cousins have said that they're not keen on her boyfriend, he seemed a bit strange, and my parents have said that they would have helped her with a deposit towards buying a house, but they won't do so while he's on the scene. She doesn't know this, I didn't want to cause any more ill feeling.
There's just the thorny question of Xmas and how do I handle it? My husband says that because they're a couple, I should make him welcome regardless. My feelings are, rightly or wrongly that I shouldn't have to have anybody staying in my home that I have no respect for and dislike, even if it means our daughter stays away. I don't think she will, because she's already told me that although her boyfriends mum and dad are nice, she doesn't like visiting them at their home because the boyfriends mum smokes all the time and she hated having to breathe in the smoke.
I don't want to have to make her choose, but why the hell should we feed him? Rightly or wrongly, I don't want him visiting any longer.

I do cherish my daughter, but I've never had a problem with any of her other friends and her previous long term boyfriend. He had his faults but I had no problem with him. She's always been a bit soft and has been taken advantage of and used in the past by previous so called friends, but I hope she's more savvy now.
I know it's her life and not ours but we don't want to give her boyfriend the idea that we are encouraging him.
I will try and step away and mind my own business then, however hard that might be.

[DarceyK123]

Just ask her casually if everything is ok as she's looking a bit stressed and tired. See how she reacts.

[kazza55]

The trouble is that although we text each other, I hardly ever see her now due to the fact that she's doing 2 jobs!

[Mamyalynne]

When it comes to matters like Christmas, you can push her away and risk losing her or as your Husband wisely says, bite the bullet and be welcoming.

The hardest thing we ever do is allow our children to make their own mistakes.

[Eleena]

Book a meal out.

[bainbrig]

Kazza. I don’t have an answer, but unlike most on here I think you’re probably right!

There ARE ways to behave, ways to inter-relate. It is NOT all up for grabs.

Stand by your principles.

[Eleena]

Kazza,
your daughter obviously knows how you personally feel. What is her reaction to that?

[woofgang]

depends which you value most, your principles or contact with your daughter.

[Cloverjo]

He doesn't sound like a bad person. Just a bit thoughtless, maybe.

My daughter-in-law also earns good money, but I wouldn't expect her to pay for anything when we take them out.

Invite him to Christmas, grit your teeth and be nice. It's only one day.