Why am I in such a hurry??

[HAnn521]

Hope this is the right category for this...I would just like some insight from others about why I might feel so rushed to get married? I have always had serious relationships and I am going on 1 year with my current boyfriend. We're both only 22 now and I know it is just too early to think about marriage...but I can't help myself! It seems like all I want to do is finally have a ring on my finger and a secure future...and the feelings I have for my boyfriend don't help me think of it less...we have had an absolutely amazing relationship so far and we both tell each other that we want it to continue...and definately be long-term...

My boyfriend, however, is not exactly the serious type...he wants to keep things the way they are and says he doesn't want to even think about marriage until he's 25-26, has a successful career, etc....

All this makes complete sense to me, and I want to wait too...but why in the world do I always think about the day I will finally get engaged and he will be the one I know I'll be with?!? Why are girls around me constantly getting purposed to, while I have to wait for years to see if it will happen for me?? Has anyone else ever felt this way...or had trouble being patient for the guy to finally be ready??

[jno]

hard for a stranger to say, but it does sound like a mixture of peer pressure and insecurity: everyone else is getting proposals, why aren't I? And though you have a good relationship, it's not so good that you're getting everything you want (ie marriage) out of it. You maybe half suspect that your bf only wants your body, that he'll use you up and throw you away like your grandmother used to worry about...

But you're right that you don't really need to worry yet; 22 isn't ancient; things may change; and you should probably just enjoy what you do have. And remember, women don't have to wait and see what will happen to them. You can propose. You can change your mind. You can use him up and throw him away. Only be passive if you want to be; there's no law.

[boobesque]

it happened to me, i wanted to get married bloke finally agreed, got married at 21 and now i'm waiting for a divorce! he was my best friend for 7 yrs, were together 2yrs and seperated before our first wedding anniversary!

but i would marry my bf tomorrow, if it wasnt illegal!! but we have been togehter 15 months, living together 11 months and he says we are engaged to be engaged!

i would still say dont rush it, enjoy what you have now and dont let those niggly thoughts get to you, in 10 yrd you can look back on this time with your by then (lets hope!) husband and wonder why you wanted to rush it when a lot of ur friends may not make it down the aisle after all the proposals or are divorced!

[divine]

I have to agree with boobesque, i was exactly the same as you at ur age, when i met my fella i was the one who initiated to get engaged & married. Even though he agreed and we've now bn married 3 years, I do sometimes wish i had of been more hasty and waited until we were both really ready for it. We had a discussion recently and my hubby told me he didnt fall in love with me until very nearly our wedding. I was gutted and felt such a fool for rushing into things!! So enjoy the time ur sharing and please dont rush into things. If i was honest... id rather have waited for things to happen naturally instead of the way things happened for us. i hope things work out just perfect for u and ur partener!!!

[HAnn521]

Thanks so much for your replies! jno: You were pretty good at reading deep into my post to gather some thoughts about me...I have to admit, I do feel a bit insecure and I worry about not being engaged/being alone/etc. quite often these days...seems more & more as the months & years go by when I am still not SET with my future husband (like quite a few girls my age where I live)....I have begun to tell to myself these are completely normal thoughts/concerns of all females (I hope that isn't just a lie I've been telling myself ?)

It doesn't help much that the last 3-year relationship I was in and got serious about, I was eventually left high and dry one day without any explanation...only a "I just don't have feelings for you anymore" declaration...

So, since then, and now with my current boyfriend, I worry and fear getting left high and dry yet again and just losing him for who knows what reason!...when I think about being engaged, it makes me feel like they are committed, you finally know for sure that there is NO changing your mind/leaving...because you know FOR SURE that he doesn't want to leave or change his mind for...forever...

boobesque: My mom would certainly agree with you that waiting in the right thing...because there should be no rushing into marriage...and like the girls around me that I believe are rushing...sadly, they will probably end up divorced or never going through with it! Couples (kids) here seem to be thinking they're ready for marriage a lot sooner these days!!

[Mistopheles]

Oh boy - I might have posted this question myself! If only I had an answer.

I never wanted to get married. I was in a 10 year relationship where he wanted to get married and I didn't. Now I'm in a different relationship, and I suddenly get marriage. Suddenly I want to get married, have kids, the works - all stuff I never had any desire to do. I reckon it's all about finding the right person. I am totally in love with my partner, and it's resulted in an urge to marry him. I even lie in bed at night planning my make-believe wedding - sad or what?!

I really think it's just an indication that maybe you've found the right man. If I ever find an answer, I promise I'll get back to you...

[HAnn521]

Mistopheles: That is so great to hear! Don't worry I don't think we're the only ones doing that...because I too, think & daydream about that day, imagine it in my mind...and my current boyfriend is definately the one I see standing across from me!! Guess we just need to be patient and it will eventually come to us. 

[jno]

HAnn, the mention of your previous relationship does explain a lot - if you've been left high and dry before, of course you'll worry. But somewhere on one of these sections was a question about the average age of marriage, and the US one was somewhere in the mid to high 20s. And that's just the average; several years later is still well within the normal range. So I'd say just go with the flow; you're still at an age where you can enjoy yourself, gain experience (good and bad - you need to know how to deal with both) and get to know more closely what you want from life. Maybe as you get your confidence back, some day he'll be the one who wants to marry and you won't be worried either way - who knows? Good luck, whatever happens.

[metagirl]

as a young - but 6 years older than you - married person, i would say do not get married until you and your boyfriend are "set" - i.e. you both are on a career path or have a steady job w/ a future, you know where you are going to settle, you are satisfied w/ your mutual social life, your families have met and get along and you have discussed all the meaty long range topics - like children, future goals, etc..

Basically, don't get married until you are confident you can get along by yourselves.

My friends and I started getting married around the 25-29 range.

Thinking about getting engaged w/ all the beauty that entails is normal but don't let fantasy lead you into making the biggest commitment you will ever make before you are ready to do it successfully. Marriage is built on love, yes, but it also takes a tremendous amount of will power and determination and sensible planning. You can't get that from the glow you get when you show off your ring  to your girlfriends.