Please - advice needed!

[PinkFizz]

I know you are all fed up of this continuing saga but as I always get such good advice I am here again.

My b/f and ex have a 6 yr old daughter - she lives with mum and we have her weekends.There is no residence order in place at all yet as they are still locked over other issues ie property.My b/f would like to apply for custody eventually but he has not mentioned this to the mum yet.He managed to get her to sign a Parental Rights Agreement during a rare civil moment.

Last night was meant to our weekend with the child.Either I or him collect the child from the childminder at 4.30pm as mum refuses point blank to do any of the journeys .He called mum thurs eve to say that he would have to come to the house to collect child at 7pm as he had to work late.This annoyed her greatly as she didnt want to have to have child from 3.30-7.00pm.She got mad and said she would think about it and txt him on fri.No txt arrived and at 5pm he txt her to say that he had to leave now in order to get to her on time(a 2 hour journey). Halfway he gets reply saying "I have emailed your solicitor" .Ten mins from house another txt - " she doesnt want to see you,not my decision but hers". This is rubbish as child didnt want to go home last week!
As he was so near house he waited outside.She arrived home - child got out of car and walked straight to door without glancing at him.Gutted,he waited and waited outside - txt mum to say I want to at least say goodnight to ****.Mum and new b/f walked child down path,stood either side of her,wouldnt leave the 2 to speak.The child wouldnt even look at him,stared into air,wouldnt speak,After a few mins they frogmarched her indoors.He drove home in absolute bits,sobbing.

Where does he stand??? We cannot keep going to solicitors as we have an astromomical bill already.

[~Wingnut~]

Oh Pink that is so heartbreaking! How unfair of her to do this and the poor girl not even being able to speak to her Daddy in private.
I'm not sure what you can do other than carry on going through the solicitor, hopefully someone here would be able to offer some advice.
If your going to go for custody and she doesn't know this then I would bite your tounge and go along with all this just so that it doesn't damage any chances later of when you do apply for custody. I know that is a hard thing to do. Keep a diary of absolutly everything! Keep the text's, e-mails, phone messages that you can.
I'm sorry to hear about all this, when will people stop using their kids as pawns in their own selfish games! No wonder your having trouble sleeping (and getting nightmares)
Good Luck and take care xxx

[PinkFizz]

Hi Wingnut - I honestly don't know how much more my b/f can take to be honest.We had a court date last week over travelling arrangements as we have to do over 4 hrs driving each weekend and she wont do a single mile.She knew about the date weeks ago.We went,our solicitor went,the she got her solicitor to fax the court saying she was ill - we then still had to pay our guy for turning up etc which cost �1000!!!! and she didnt have to pay a penny as she had told her guy not to show!

We cant keep running up bills - its a nightmare!

[PinkFizz]

I have just checked and the document they signed is actually called a Parental Responsibility Agreement.

[~Wingnut~]

My gosh Pink, that is disgusting behaviour! Why is she being like this! That is so unfair and the poor little girl it's just terrible. I'm not surprised your boy/f is in almost despair.
You could always swop tactics and tell her about the custody you intend to fight for, maybe this could make her realise any attempts to stop you and your boyf from seeing his little girl will show her in a bad light? It's just an idea from another angle.
Like I said keep all this recorded but try to call her bluff by being civil to her at all times (although she sounds like she needs a good slap!!! Grrr) When you have the little girl keep reassuring her that you both love her, which I'm sure you do anyway :o)
I hope someone here can give you more advice as this kind of thing is so frustrating!
I hope it can be resolved and good on you and your boyf for carrying on fighting!! xx

[PinkFizz]

Tell me about it.I have been searching the net on the Parental Responsibility Agreement as it seems to state that the court have given him equal say in his daughters life,but it doesn't mention anywhere what to do if she then refuses to let him see her,when clearly the child was distressed.

[noxlumos]

I think maybe one of the problems is she DOES know that you are going to go for custody eventually and so is being as unreasonable and hateful as possible just to dig the knife in a long , long way and cripple you financially and emotionally so that you stand less of a chance.Like a big power trip.
When I got divorced from my first wife I had to practically "buy" custody of my kids, as she knew that that was all I was interested in , so she ended up with all the money, the house, cars, you name it and in return I ended up with custody of my boys. People who have once been close to you have an uncanny knack of knowing what you are going to do next without being told and of being able to stick the knife in, in particularly nasty ways, and if she has an inkling he's after custody in her own mind then she's going to be hell on earth and will be trying her hardest to turn the little girl round against him. She only has to put on a few displays like that and the court are unlikely to grant residency to you.
I don't know how caring this woman is of her child, but are there any incentives that you could use to get her to be more co-operative? Is she just using the child bitterly or does she genuinely love her? If she genuinely loves her and is acting this way because she's massively hurt and damaged ( for whatever reason, not blaming your bf there) then you are on a loser to nothing to be honest. If the use is cynical however ( as was the case with my ex wife) then you might be able to twist her arm with a better financial or property settlement. It's a horrible messy situation and I can't see an easy way out Pink, I'm so sorry.

[PinkFizz]

Hi Nox - thankyou so much for taking the time to reply.No she does not care for the child in the slightest.As you say,it is purely because she know he adores her and she has never forgiven him for ending the relationship.The child comes over with unwashed hair,toe nails so long they are digging into the skin,I could go on and on,but now she has a new man she is pretending to be a good mother.The child on holiday last month said that she didnt want to ever go home.My partner is utterly distraught - his child is his whole life and he would giver her every penny of the money if he thought for one second that she would let the child live with him.Does this PR agreement not stand for anything??

[Taz70]

What a terrible situation to be in. I really feel for you and your bf. His ex should be glad that he wants to be there for his daughter, so many dads don't.

Do you think her new bf is stirring things up at all? If he is, the ex should have the backbone to stand up to him and make up her own mind. My kids would always come first, not some new bf who's just come on the scene.

I'm really sorry that I don't really know what to suggest. Is there any way you can get legal aid? Doesn't the silly cow realise that the more you spend on legal fees, the less you'll have to spend on her daughter. Which makes you wonder if she's just using the child as a pawn. If she really loved her daughter she would surely want her to have a great relationship with her father.

Is there any family of the ex that your bf could speak to about it. Does he still get on with her parents etc. If he could get them on side, maybe they could speak to her and tell her how stupid she's being?

Best of luck.

[noxlumos]

I really don't know about the PR order Pink, I was divorced 10 or so years ago and went the slightly heavy handed way of saying that she had one and one chance only to take the money and give me custody or I'd make her life a living hell and make sure she never got a single penny for as long as she lived even if it meant me giving everything away. I should point out that she actually didn't want custody for it's own sakes because she loved the kids, she hated the kids because they were mine ( never saw them as being hers) so was not bullied out of having custody of her kids, just shoved into making a quick decision so it didn't get protracted and heartbreaking like your situation is at the moment. I really have very little idera what you can do next, except resort ot your solicitorm, which I would imagine is exactly what she wants.I'm so sorry and hope things work out for you, as stress like this is the very worst sort and it must be really causing havoc for you emotionally.

[lilacben]

Hi Pink I am so sorry that you have trouble again this weekend. After the week you have had already you must be really down. I feel for your boyfriend and find it hard to belive a 6 year old has come up with this on her own. I expect some poison has been implanted into her about "daddy not wanting her "or something along those lines.Maybe evEn a promise of something really nice if she didnt go. Little girls love there daddy. Please tell your b/f not to give up hope,Could he prehaps phone her today.? My daughter has trouble with her daughter (9) dad. She is married now with three more children and ***'s dad only wants to see her on his terms.And they are having awful trouble with her behaviour when she gets back from him.He lets her have whatever and do whatever, the way she speaks to her mum in front of him is awful but he never says a word.Have a look on the internet isnt there a free solicitors site somewhere.? take care both of you,. love Brenda

[PinkFizz]

Hi Lilacben - not having very good luck are we!!

Unfortunately we can't phone as she won't give her phone number - I spent all evening trying to pacify him as his brian is in overdrive thinking what on earth the mother has said to the child.It really is the cruellest thing she could have done,

[lilacben]

Hi again Pink what about your b/f's mother in law or other family members. Is he on good terms with any of them still.? they may help you to get a phone number or at least let you know what it is all about.Has he tried to text her today , his ex I mean, to see what else she has to say.Are you on talking terms with her.? oh dear I wish I could think of something useful to say. love Brenda xx

[PinkFizz]

Aww Brenda - you are so sweet,just the fact that you have listened is helping.No,his ex is an only child and both her parents are dead - she really doesnt have a single relative.

B/F is insisting on going to the school in 2 weeks time to pick her up,like he has done many times,but Im worried sick that the girl will act the same and say she doesnt want to go with him and he will be in a worse state than he is now.

[silverdaler]

Pinkfizz, my heart goes out to you and your bf. but even more to that poor child. i dont know if this is any use, but is it worth a chat with the childrens and families section of your local social services. they are, after all, concerned with the welfare of children, and this child is obviously being mistreated by her mother to get her selfish revenge.
as she has a new bf now, perhaps she might in the (hopefully not-too-distant future) want to take advantage of the opportunity to spend time alone with him and allow the access to resume on a regular basis.
keep us informed - we are all rooting for you. she is a lucky child to have a daddy like your bf and a caring person like you. well done.
xxxxxxxxx

[PinkFizz]

You are all so lovely I dont know what to say.

The PR Agreement quite clearly states that as both parents have signed t they have total equal rights over child and that both have a say in where child lives ,goes to school etc,but mum has blatantly flouted all of those so I need advice on what the courts would say over this.May post a question on this and hopefully someone legal might see it.

xxxx

[lacuna bless]

You have restored my faith in that there are dads that genuinely care out there, and I mean by more than guilt money. Please don't give up on this poor child and do inform social services of your situation. Maybe mediation or supervised access would be preferable to this manipulation. A third party maybe would help diffuse the situation. Good luck.