Help...cant seem to do the right thing...

[yummymum]

I will try to keep this short, basically once a month or so my partner seems to be in a mood for a few days and seems to just pick at the smallest of things, this then goes either way, I let it go over my head or I say something back when I cant take no more. If I say something back then I get a load of verbal abuse and he walks out (we no longer live together but he stays at mine a lot). When I say verbal abuse he actually gets very nasty. He then stays in a mood with me for a few days and doesnt contact me unless its to call me names or demand that I take our son to see him where as I try to act as normal as possible so not to make it worse, when he does finally come round he acts as if he as said or done nothing and we go back to normal until next time. I have been with him for nearly 6 years now and have a 3 year old and another due in June by him. The problem is Im getting sick of this cycle and dont know how to brake it or if I should even bother, Im thinking of ignoring him completely and then seeing what he as to say when he finally decides to get in touch, however I think he will just demand that I take my son to see him or moan that he as not seen him. If this is the case Iam feeling very tempted to say no I wont bring him because Im sick of being a mug. In the past I have tried saying if you want to see him then come and see him but dont bother if your just going to be nasty, this doesnt work as he just expects me to do all the running and forget the fact that he as spoken to and treated me like dirt. I really dont know what to do as I seem to have tried everything and Im just wondering if it is my own fault because im letting him walk all over me by giving in and keep being the one that makes the effort. i think my main question is how do I stop him from keep doing this and am I right to say that I wont take his son to him?

[yummymum]

Sorry but I got to add that the last few time he as walked out on us he as left my son really upset and this last time I had not been feeling very well for a week or so and have also been up every 2 hours at night/day feeding some pups that his bitch had and wouldnt deal with (I thought I was doing him a favor and he would help out when he was off work) so as you can imagine I wasnt feeling my best to begin with and could have done without 4 pups to feed and a son to calm down, this doesnt seem to have been given a second thought by him and im now left holding the baby and not even able to take him out all weekend because of these pups, whilst he is probably going to finish work and be off down the pub for the next few nights.

[redhead23]

leave him mum , he sounds like a loser , you have let this man walk all over you , you let him treat you like crap and you go back for more , i must imagine for your son this must have an effect on him and is not healthy
you have to be stronger . just break of letting him stay nights at your house -
u cant be that desperate for company that you allow someone to treat you like this .

[yummymum]

im not at all desperate for company although he is good company usually, I have just been trying my hardiest to make things work between us for the sake of my son and the new baby. At the moment im kinda thinking that he treats me like he does because I have let him for so long now, I would love to be able to change things but im guessing I cant?

[yummymum]

and what do i do about him seeing our son, am I right in saying that he should do all the running from now on??

[redhead23]

you know what?

mum yo have tried had with this bloke i do not see why he can't make the effort to see his own son , he should clean up his act and i also think prove to you he is fit to be a father .
let him do the running , he expects you to keep making the effort , dont !!!x

[yummymum]

Thanks Red, upto yet i am being very strong and have not tried to contact him like I usually would so I will keep trying to be strong, I just find it hard at times.

[redhead23]

i know mum
it is hard but it will be worth it if he sorts himself out xx good luck

[yummymum]

so you reckon i just be really strong for a while and give him chance to see what he losing or just to end it for good?

[tiggertan]

Hi Yummy, my advice is to not contact him at all. Good chance he will see what he's missing. Let him have time to think about the relationship too. Maybe he's testing you to see if you'll keep chasing him. If you don't, he'll realise that he's pushed you too far and will have to make an efforf if he wants it to work. I've been through a very similar thing and eventually he sat down and had a good think about how unfair and childish he was being. Things have been really good since.
Hope things work out for you.

XXX.

[redhead23]

exactly you don't what you've got till its gone let him think about the way he has behaved

[yummymum]

he as not been in touch all day still, i dont know if i did the right thing tonight but i texted him and told him that there was no reason to drag things out if it was over and he may as well come and collect his things from my house, im not gonna text again now but I just wanted him to see that I meant it when i said we should end it

[stokeace]

sorry to hear of your plight yummymum but i hope you can remain strong but i will bet a months wages he will phone you all apologetic and whining and full of self pity with a belly full of beer and you will forgive him please dont or else your life will be like this forever.good luck anyway......................

[whitbybabe]

Take the advice from STOKEACE.Please look after yourself.

[yummymum]

He as never said sorry EVER even after everything he as done or said so I doubt he will be phoning saying sorry, Im feeling a bit better about it all today Im just angry that he can be like that when i do everything for him and how can he just walk out on his son. I also think what is annoying me is the fact that he can simply go out and forget about things where as Im left to sit and think about it. Anyway...Thanks everyone for your advice xx

[lizzydrippin]

I really feel for you yummy, it must be heartbreaking to be expecting another child as well as having a toddler when your relationship has obviously been going through a sticky patch. How comes you have made another child together when things have been rocky for a while? (going by the fact that you are living apart). I think your partner needs abit of a shock to make him realise that its not on the way he has been treating you. It may seem now like he can just not think about it and carry on with his life but if you stay strong and stick to your guns he'll realise that you are serious about it this time. He'll soon be thinking about it then, you wait and see. And if thats not the case then you really do deserve better than this guy.

[Miss Random]

Hi yummymum,
I agree with all the replies you have had, do not chase after this man, it is the way he is controlling you.

I know it sounds 'cheesy' but there is a really good song you should listen to;
I Need a Little Time, by The Beautiful South (they had loads of hits about 10 years ago, most famously Perfect 10)

Basically he has his time to go off and do his own thing, whilst you 'hold the fort' and welcome him back.......however, one day you decide that the time away from him is more enjoyable and you now need 'a little time' to decide what you want.

Don't try to shock him into coming back to you, start deciding how your life would be better without his childish tantrums.
I've read other threads of yours and answers you've given, trust me, you are worth more.
Either way I wish you well.

[yummymum]

Hi all and thank you for your answers, i havnt contacted him upto yet and have no plans to do so, Its hard but im just trying to be strong this time. I know if i let him keep treating me like this he will just carry on and on. I also know that if he doesnt contact me then he isnt really worth it. Im just finding it hard at the moment to keep thinking like that. The one thing that is bugging me is I at least thought he would have mentioned seeing his son but he not even said about that which is leading me to believe that he doesnt care very much.
With regards to having another child with him it wasnt planned and I was 4 months gone when I found out or sadly I think I would have done something about it, however Im now looking forward to having another one and im not worried about anything in that department as I know i will manage on my own anyway I just wish my children could have had their father around properly.

[lizzydrippin]

Hi There, Im glad you're managing to stay strong and not repeat all the stuff you've done before to make things so easy for your man to do as he pleases regardless of your feelings. Try to remember that what you do now could well be the making of your future with this guy. Its early days though I daresay it feels like its been ages since you fell out the last time. If you cave in now then the future will just be a continuation of the past and as you're well aware the past wasnt working for either of you was it?. Your guy has got to realise this time that you really have had enough. If you contact him now it will re-inforce his notion that he can treat you any old way he likes and you will always be there for him when and how it suits him. I know it must be really breaking your heart that he hasnt made any efforts at least to see his son. Its not the way you want things to be but he either loves his son or he loves himself more than anyone else. Do you have any idea whats going on in your partners life at present? Have you heard whether he is out and about living it up and not giving a monkeys behind about his family or could he be sitting alone somewhere missing you and his son but trying to think things through with regards to where everythings gone wrong. You know him better than anyone. Is he a good sensitive man who's a doting caring father? Does he make you happy? do you laugh together? does he equally share the caring of your child? Ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly. You will be a long time with this man (maybe) so make sure he is the right one who will genuinely love,care, and respect you. Do you love him?

[yummymum]

We have spoken and it turns out that i was right with what i originally thought. He says he doesnt get time on his own and is sick of HAVING to be at my house all the time... this came after a lot of blaming me and giving other reasons but i always thought it was something to do with the fact that things got too much every few weeks and he felt like running off. I pointed out to him that i dont make him be at mine all the time but then im not gonna take to him having a single life then picking us up when he got nothing else to do. also told him that im sick of being the only one to try and i didnt see it ever changing so i didnt see the point in carrying on. Told him to stick with what he said when he told me it was over and that we should both just get on with our own lifes, i did tell him that if he wanted to see our son he only needed to let me know when but upto yet he hasnt. dont see what more i can do really i asked him to come and get his stuff from mine but he made his excuses so im not sure what to make of that, was thinking that maybe he was leaving ot as a gateway to come back in our lifes, but who knows. Not sure that i want it totally over but i realise that this is the right thing to do at the moment as anything else will just lead him to believe that he can treat me like crap. anyway....we shalll see, like many of u have said if he doesnt make the effort then he not worth having. Thanks all