This is going to sound a really odd question....

[icemaiden]

but, how do you vent your anger on someone who has died recently?

Brief explanation. Close member of family died a few weeks ago and I have since found out that they lived a double life, literally!. Family, kids, houses etc. Also they have racked up some huge debts which will mean selling of house to pay off.

How does one deal with the anger that you would normally release by having it out with them?

[Bbbananas]

Oh dear. Truth is ice, you can't....
You can scream, shout, hit the walls, hit the bottle but he (I'm guessing it's a he - a she would not find a double life so easy to uphold) will never be aware of, or witness, your anger.

Get it out anyway girl, by whatever method.

[Messalina]

I would write a letter setting out exactly how I feel then I'd burn it.

[Bbbananas]

Good idea messa. Though I wouldn't burn it straight away, I'd hang onto it for a while and look at it every now & then until the anger & bitterness had simmered down a little.

Those who leave behind such hurt, anger and sadness never get to realise just how much they have caused.

[icemaiden]

Oh lord...you are so right Salla. Yes it is a he. Good idea Messa, might try that one. I just don't want to let the anger destroy me. (And other members of the family). He got away so lightly and that just makes me even more angry! Left us to sort it all out, can't just walk away from it all.

[Bbbananas]

But he has.... though I doubt he walked. Without meaning to be funny, there is no bringing him back so you or anyone else can vent their anger. Talk amongst yourselves, curse and swear, hug and empathise. Then you have to let it go.

You have the upper hand - you're still alive ;-)

[icemaiden]

Thanks everyone.
It's quite a surreal situation. One you only read about and everyday brings a new revalation.
Yes you are right Salla....I am still alive. Thank you.

[rowanwitch]

Put an empty chair i the middle of the room....and use it as a focus...talk scream abuse whatever you need to do imagine they are sitting in it... or write what you feel in a letter then burn it so your words are carried with the smoke

both old methods but strangely effective then let it go...you can do no more

[Clanad]

Tell me once more how you're are affected to the point of such anger? Based on your somewhat meager description it appears that you don't (as they say here in the western U.S.) don't have a dog in this hunt.
If you're offended on behalf of the family or you're the one that's going to have to pay off the debt, that's another thing, but is seems to me you're expending a lot of uneccessary emotion for no sound reason... and by any reasonable measure, your rage won't pay you any dividends nor gain any pay back from the deceased, will it?

[China Doll]

Writing a letter and burning it is supposed to be quite therapuetic.

[Messalina]

Oh, it's very therapeutic. I wrote a new letter each time until I felt that I'd said all I had to say. Rowanwitch's suggestion sounds a good idea - maybe with a picture of the person you're mad at.

[rowanwitch]

its quite a common one we used it when I did my nurse training with a couple of patients with unresolved anger affecting their grieving process scary but effective hold a pillow as you do it so you have something to punch and kick

[Mamyalynne]

Ice, I am so sorry you are in this position and agree with the letter writing approach also,there will come a day when you can read it or them one last time and have a bonfire. Remember this person is the loser in all this, also I knew a young lady in a similar situation and she would go to his grave and yell and pound the earth as she told him what he had done.

Not for everyone I know, take care.

Long time no speak.

Mamya♥

[LoftyLottie]

Off the topic Icemaiden. Don't forget debts can't be inherited. Only those people who hold joint assets with the deceased can inherit debts. You probably know this, but thought it was worth mentioning.

I wish you well. x

[sandyRoe]

Rowanwitch's suggestion of the empty chair is very powerful. It allows you to vent all the rage and hurt that's been bottled up.

[rowanwitch]

http://changingminds....icles/empty_chair.htm

Gestalt therapy

[icemaiden]

Thanks everyone for your answers.
Decided to do a letter and shout at an empty chair! May as well do both.
His debts and everything else going on will have a huge impact on my life and others for a very long time.
I cannot begin to tell you what has happened Clanad, and I won't tell as it's too personal. Other answers on here have been most helpful and appreciated.
Nice to hear from you mamya. X

[JonnyBoy12]

P*ss on their grave, perhaps? That is very disrespectful to the dead, or you could just shout at their grave, and they may be able to hear you from Heaven. Not sure if the departed can hear us, but some say that they can.

How many believers do we have here in AB?

[icemaiden]

Hi johnnyboy. No grave or headstone unfortunately. It's what he wanted, now we know why.

[zzxxee]

go to a clairvoyant and when they come through call them all the names under the sun !!