Does This Poem Make Sense So Far?

[bob68k]

Its not finished yet. I just wanted to see what these two stanzas might convey to people. As always, thanks for the comments folks.


Nearby the iron bark tree
my fathers flesh drafted to ashes,
scattered like bristling ferns
curdled with repetition

within the rolling odor of ambrosia
meadows spawn shadows behind me,
I kneel in the moonlight
yet, darkness smothers my bones

[doctordb]

I like it bob. It feels like an Ian Hamilton poem. I would omit 'bark' from the first line and change 'spawn' for 'wear' but then again it's not my poem. :)

[woofgang]

sorry but that one does nothing for me. Its a bit over egged IMO

[Kefalonia]

Sorry but I'm with Woofgang. Rather too contrived for my liking - and I'm not keen on the American spelling of odour either.

[boxtops]

I like some of your individual phrases but (part from being dark) it doesn't yet convey to me the situation you're endeavouring to describe

[mallyh]

to be truthful not my cup of tea

[elliemay1]

I understand what you are trying to convey but feel that some of the words need to be simplified. It has potential. I love the last 2 lines. Keep them, but substitute "curdled", "odor of ambrosia" and "spawn" .

[elliemay1]

I was looking forward to reading your revised poem, bob68k. I hope you weren't offended by our comments. As I said, with a few tweaks I think it has potential.

[bob68k]

I'm not offended at all Ellie. I just threw this out there, premature I know. Still working on it. I will post a new draft soon enough. Thanks for weighing in. Bob-

[elliemay1]

Please don't let others discourage you, bob.

[elliemay1]

Looking forward to the new draft.