Street Mirage

[ladorada]

This poem is not a translation, it's written directly in English. How does it sound?

Warning: I am not an English native. :-)

A camel is walking down the street
And walks and walks
She knows a lazuline oasis at the end of it
So many green and purple grapes
The gritty distance is ajar
Remembering the songs of waves
And still so blue and still so far
A golden evening is falling on her traces
The shadow of a camel in such places
Needs just a short step on the sand �
The first the last
And the mirage she entered passed

[CheekyChops]

Sounds ok to me, the only problem I had was that I didn't know what lazuline meant and had to look it up.

[grumpii]

Try and sell it. Made me feel sad.

[saxy_jag]

You could pop across to http://writersdock.org

You would be able to get a very fair critique on this - and it's completely free!!

[paddywak]

I like it

[starmack]

Yeah, a thumbs up

[paddywak]

Hi ladorado, just being reading your poem again & I think it better second time round. Have you writen any more? if so please post them, even if people dont like them as much I'm sure they will worth checking out. I don't know what it is about poetry but some of it just gets to you