partners daughter

[Barney41]

My partner and i have been together for a while now, we are both in our early 40s and live separate from one another, i often stay at her place and she often stays at mine, the problem is, she has a 17 year old daughter and without being negative, she is an absolute nightmare! Spoilt beyond belief, so immature at times it takes me back to when my daughter was 5 by the manner in which she was.(only when in need of something though) Only ever really takes part in a conversation with her mum when she is after buying something on line. I call it the little “princess attitude”
I have recently proposed to my partner, She said yes, on telling her daughter ......”no you are not” and stormed off soon after with tears and a mood.
I do understand the fact my partner has lived alone for a while and for the daughter to see me as a threat for taking her mums undivided attention from her but this is getting the better of me. It has even got to the point where i don’t even get a “hi or bye now” we have given it a good 18 months before the wedding day and obviously moving in with one another, but i am stressed to the end now with how her daughter is. My partner tries but then the tears appear and the daughter says she doesn’t care and loves me more, ...... this is just trying to get her to empty the dish washer ! help with some advice please

[boxtops]

It's a really tricky one - but look at it this way - the daughter is 17, she'll be moving out soon, either to uni or getting her own place. It's a complex time of life - you don't say whether or not she is really missing her own dad, is he still around? - if so is it worth one of you having a word with him if he has any influence? It sounds as if she has had her way for a long time..... how does your fiancée feel about this? - she really is the piggy in the middle. I do wish you a happy future, and I really hope that this is a passing phase with the future step-daughter.

[Barney41]

she does see her dad, but it feeling ls like she only goes to see him when she feels left out here, (its a feeling, not fact, ) he has the attitude where she cant do no wrong. maybe he only gets to see the good days and not the moody days. my fiancée is the one stuck in the middle, she feels if she is firm with her daughter then it will lead to more tears and storm offs.

[boxtops]

That may have to be the reality though, jonty - your fiancée can't waste this lovely opportunity, waiting for her daughter to come round....

[Barney41]

we are not wasting this opportunity we both loved up so much, it has been said that it only takes 1 stroppy teenager to change a lightbuld, as all they do is hold on and the world revolves around them !

[boxtops]

LOL I like that - I'll be interested to see what other ABers have to say. Good luck to you both!

[woofgang]

have you posted before? this looks quite familiar.

[Barney41]

no i have not posted about this issue before, maybe im not the only one with similar problem, be good to here from those who have experienced similar

[pastafreak]

17 is a wretched age....girls-or many of them-are just not human at that age. It's only 8 years since mine was that age-and she was an absolute horror. Her behaviour may very well be the same if it was her mum and dad together and making choices she was not happy with. Young girls are great manipulators,believe me.
Don't give in to the tears and tantrums-just ignore them. Let her know -silently- that her outbursts and silence will have no effect on you and her mums decision to make a permanent life together. She has 18 months to get used to it-and she may very well grow up a lot in that time.

[ummmm]

Woof - I remember someone posting something very similar.

Does the daughter work or she still in education?

[Barney41]

she is still at school, looking for work , or at least she says she is

[pastafreak]

jontychops is surely not the first to ask this...and he won't be the last. It's an all too common problem .

[sara3]

her mother needs to tell her to "get a grip". she isn't a child any more and should show her mother some respect, and should support her and want her to be happy. she needs to shut up or put up. and she should be punished for her ridiculous behaviour. the only way to punish a 17 yr old is to stop the financial feed, or don't let her out. she'll soon get the message.

best of luck.

[ummmm]

I know - I wasn't being suspicious. Just saying something similar has been posted. Maybe I should have expanded and explained that he's obviously not the only one with this type of problem...!!

I wouldn't put up with that type of behaviour personally. Crying about unloading a dishwasher...but it's your wife to be you need to be talking to and setting down some acceptable ground rules with.

[mickrog]

i had same problem but there were 4 daughters. Icalled them Hubble Bubble Toil and Trouble.Their mom had no chance and was terrified of them.IF they found out their mom had seen me there was a row and she was banned from seeing her grandchildren.We had to meet on carparks and Iwas never able to drop her off at her home.Ihasten to add it could have been any man not just me.It split us in the end.
|I wish you luck ,your good lady seems far braver than mine.

[Barney41]

i love my partner 100% ....... there is a lot she needs to do yet it feels she is worried about upsetting her daughter to the point she will isolate in her bedroom, Jeepers i wish my bedroom had so many gadgets when i was a child, no one would have seen me, i have tried to chat to her daughter about different things ...... talk to a brick wall springs to mind, i told her last night as she said how big the moon was, "its called a super moon, " along with a few facts, ...... she yawned and walked off without uttering a word ......

[ummmm]

...... she yawned and walked off without uttering a word ......

And what did you say when she did that?

[sara3]

you're not looking terribly interested in any suggestions that have been made...

[woofgang]

TBH the girl is not directly your problem. You aren't her father and by the time you are married, she will be an adult. If your partner doesn't feel that she can deal with it then imo there isn't a lot that you can do. Her mum has to decide what it is she wants, lay down the line for daughter and stick to it...mind you from the sounds of things, she probably should have done it years ago. I am sorry this isn't what you want to hear is it?....while daughter has her mum on a string and mum allows it though, that's how things will be.

[Barney41]

i am open to change with everything, that is why i am on this site to see what advice i can get, i never said much when she walked away, i just thought "hey ho" as for mum laying down the law, that has been tried only to be met with tears and statements of you dont love me by the daughter. at the minute she does not utter a word to me now, her mum seems like a personal slave and she just seems to have no idea of what hurt she is causing. self rule, self will with little regard of anyone around her, sorry if i sound totally negative here,

[woofgang]

If Mum laid down the law, i bet she didn't stick to it!! People are like puppies, calm consistency is the key.