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Lady Janine's Story
16 Answers
Lady Janine was the third child born to the 24th Earl of Answerbank Under the Wold. She was raised by a succession of nannies until the age of seven when she was dispatched to boarding school. The somewhat impoverished Earl could not afford the fees for a decent school, so Lady Janine ended up at Mrs Miggins School for Young Ladies. The educational standards were hit and miss and by the time Lady Janine left school she could fluently translate from Latin to Serbo-Croat, mend fine lace, bag a brace of pheasant with one shot, gut any animal, play the harpsichord and dance with finesse many dances last seen in the 1700's. In short, she was utterly unprepared for anything. As befitted her station in life, she decided to devote herself to good works. By the time she reached middle age she was a professional committee chairperson and do-gooder. Together with her sister, she worked several days a month as a volunteer at the local charity shop. Her idea of work in the shop consisted of drinking copious amounts of tea while the elderly family retainer (Mr L.I. King) did all the graft. Her good deeds always backfired spectacularly, such as the time she decided to tidy up the village and its surrounding fields. The local scrap dealer was delighted to receive a horsebox full of scrap metal and several irate farmers were left wondering who had stolen their farm implements.
One harsh winter she decided to make and deliver soup to the elderly in the village. The local hospital was subsequently over run with cases of food poisoning. As with many of the aristocracy, she did not bother with her appearance and lived in tweed skirts, sensible shoes and a headscarf. Depending on her activities, she was usually preceded by a faint aroma of either mothballs, horses or mildew.
Love came late in life to Lady Janine. Having decided that tending the grounds of The Hall was too much for her elderly retainer, she advertised for a gardener. The post was taken by an out of work lumberjack and for Lady Janine it was love at first sight. She was smitten by his manly appearance and the smell of good, honest sweat. (It was actually B.O. but she was unused to mixing with men). Unfortunately the love affair was one sided and the lumberjack was unaware of her feelings. After studying a fashion magazine in the vets waiting room, she decided to overhaul her appearance. Unfortunately the magazine was aimed at teenagers and after raiding the stockroom of the charity shop, Lady Janine was a sight to behold. Her look could only be described as "chavvy teenage single parent." To complete her new image, she used makeup for the first time ever and as the result of having an unsteady hand, it looked as if it had been applied during a severe earth tremor.
When she heard the chainsaw start up in her garden, Lady Janine teetered across the lawn in unfamiliar white stilletoes towards the lumberjack with her fingers firmly crossed.
One harsh winter she decided to make and deliver soup to the elderly in the village. The local hospital was subsequently over run with cases of food poisoning. As with many of the aristocracy, she did not bother with her appearance and lived in tweed skirts, sensible shoes and a headscarf. Depending on her activities, she was usually preceded by a faint aroma of either mothballs, horses or mildew.
Love came late in life to Lady Janine. Having decided that tending the grounds of The Hall was too much for her elderly retainer, she advertised for a gardener. The post was taken by an out of work lumberjack and for Lady Janine it was love at first sight. She was smitten by his manly appearance and the smell of good, honest sweat. (It was actually B.O. but she was unused to mixing with men). Unfortunately the love affair was one sided and the lumberjack was unaware of her feelings. After studying a fashion magazine in the vets waiting room, she decided to overhaul her appearance. Unfortunately the magazine was aimed at teenagers and after raiding the stockroom of the charity shop, Lady Janine was a sight to behold. Her look could only be described as "chavvy teenage single parent." To complete her new image, she used makeup for the first time ever and as the result of having an unsteady hand, it looked as if it had been applied during a severe earth tremor.
When she heard the chainsaw start up in her garden, Lady Janine teetered across the lawn in unfamiliar white stilletoes towards the lumberjack with her fingers firmly crossed.
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By the side of a half-Gness axed wood
Lady J sat silently down,
Convinced that her scheme was no good,
And vex'd to be absent from Answerbank Town.
While she was pitied by no living AB soul,
To herself she was forced to reply,
And her pet Hawk, as grave as a Wendilla owl,
Sat listening and pecking hard by.
"Alas! silly Dame that I was!"
Sadly complaining, she cried;
"When first I forsook that dear Miggins place,
it should have been better, by far I have been denied!
How gaily I pass'd the long days,
In a round of continual noble delights;
Shooting, piano, harpsichord, the abbatoir and plays,
And a Jacobean dance to enliven the nights.
"How simple was I to believe
Delusive AB dreams!
Or the flattening landscapes they give
Of farm tools and complaining farmers in streams.
Bleak Hospitals, and cold starving patients in blocks,
Are the wretched result of my considerable pains;
The farmers greater brutes than their flocks,
The old dears as impolite as the swains.
"What though I have got my dear lumberjack Phil;
I see him all night and all day;
I find I must not have my will,
And I've Cornish cursedly sworn to obey!
Fond damsel, my sexual power is lost,
As now I experience too late!
Whatever a lover may boast,
A husband is what one may hate!
"And thou, my old woman, so dear,
My all that is left of for my relief,
Whatever I suffer, forbear with my rear
Forbear to dissuade me from grief:
All is in vain, as you say, to opine
At ills which can never be redressed;
But, in sorrows so poignant as mine,
To be patient, alas! is a jest.
"If, further to soothe my distress,
Your tender wooden compassion is led,
Come here and help me to undress,
And decently put me to bed.
The last humble solace I wait,
Would AB but indulge me some boon,
May some dream, less unkind than my fate,
In a vision transport me to Answerbank Town.
"Janine, meantime, wed a beau,
Who decks me in golden array:
I'm the finest at every fine Mad50s show,
And I flaunt my tweeds and scarves at the Park and at Play:
Oh alas; I am here left in the lurch,
Forgot and secluded from view;
Unless when some Moonie-like bumpkin at the Lizard church
Stares wistfully over the metal pew."
Lady J sat silently down,
Convinced that her scheme was no good,
And vex'd to be absent from Answerbank Town.
While she was pitied by no living AB soul,
To herself she was forced to reply,
And her pet Hawk, as grave as a Wendilla owl,
Sat listening and pecking hard by.
"Alas! silly Dame that I was!"
Sadly complaining, she cried;
"When first I forsook that dear Miggins place,
it should have been better, by far I have been denied!
How gaily I pass'd the long days,
In a round of continual noble delights;
Shooting, piano, harpsichord, the abbatoir and plays,
And a Jacobean dance to enliven the nights.
"How simple was I to believe
Delusive AB dreams!
Or the flattening landscapes they give
Of farm tools and complaining farmers in streams.
Bleak Hospitals, and cold starving patients in blocks,
Are the wretched result of my considerable pains;
The farmers greater brutes than their flocks,
The old dears as impolite as the swains.
"What though I have got my dear lumberjack Phil;
I see him all night and all day;
I find I must not have my will,
And I've Cornish cursedly sworn to obey!
Fond damsel, my sexual power is lost,
As now I experience too late!
Whatever a lover may boast,
A husband is what one may hate!
"And thou, my old woman, so dear,
My all that is left of for my relief,
Whatever I suffer, forbear with my rear
Forbear to dissuade me from grief:
All is in vain, as you say, to opine
At ills which can never be redressed;
But, in sorrows so poignant as mine,
To be patient, alas! is a jest.
"If, further to soothe my distress,
Your tender wooden compassion is led,
Come here and help me to undress,
And decently put me to bed.
The last humble solace I wait,
Would AB but indulge me some boon,
May some dream, less unkind than my fate,
In a vision transport me to Answerbank Town.
"Janine, meantime, wed a beau,
Who decks me in golden array:
I'm the finest at every fine Mad50s show,
And I flaunt my tweeds and scarves at the Park and at Play:
Oh alas; I am here left in the lurch,
Forgot and secluded from view;
Unless when some Moonie-like bumpkin at the Lizard church
Stares wistfully over the metal pew."
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