How can we locate my husband's mother?

[Big Jenny]

My husband's mother is 99 years old, and seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. We live 150 miles away from her, and don't have a car, so we don't visit her very often. However, we have always kept in regular touch by 'phone and letters, cards etc. We didn't get a Christmas card last year, so tried to 'phone her repeatedly. In the end, we got a very brief call back from her - she had been in hospital for three weeks (without letting us know), but had just come home and was very tired, so she said she would 'phone back when she felt a bit better. That was the last we heard from her. We have written and 'phoned loads of times, but her 'phone isn't answered and no reply to the letters. Her daughter lives near her, but my husband and his sister hate one another and wont communicate. He has written to his sister, asking for an update of his Mum's whereabouts and health, but she hasn't answered. I 'phoned Social Services for that area on Monday, and they said they would look into it and ring me back. They rang back today to say that they could give us no information under the Data Protection Act. They wouldn't even tell us whether she was alive or dead!

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what our next move should be? Surely my husband is entitled to know where his mother is, or if she is still alive. There would be little point in making the trip to her area if she is no longer living at home, and a trawl around every nursing home in the district would take forever. They may be bound by this Data Protection business too, and probably wouldn't tell us anything even if we happened upon the right nursing home or hospital. We are at a complete loss what to do next.

BJ

[craft1948]

Surely if you called round if she wasn't there the neighbours would know where she was. They'd certainly know if she was dead.

[dotty.]

You have to go up there and do your best. Go to her house and speak to her neighbours, someone will know what has happened. When is she 100?

[arwyn]

When someone was trying to find me once, they some how got the phone no's of people in my street who told them that I'd moved house. The neighbour then rang me at my new house to tell me someone was looking for me if I wanted to contact them.
There are web sites where you can get phone no's, they wont all be ex directory in her street.

[welshlibranr]

agree with craft and dotty, I would visit, speak to the neighbours, you'll find out what happened, they are sure to know!.......

[Buenchico]

Call the local police station for her area and say that you're concerned about the welfare of your mother-in-law. They'll send someone round to see if she'll answer the door. If she doesn't, they'll ask around the neighbours and look for any worrying signs (such as masses of mail on the door mat) before deciding whether to break in.

(I write from embarrassing experience. My mother once got worried that she'd not heard from me for a long time, so two burly coppers turned up on my doorstep!)

Chris

[dotty.]

mmmmmmmmm Chris that sounds like a plan .:)

[JackDanielsU]

When did you last visit?

Regardless as to if you have a car or not, a train journey is feasible, and saying there is little point in going as you have no certainity is no excuse.

If your sister-in-law is in the area, Id hope she is looking after her mother, but if you say the siblings hate each other, she may be preventing the mother from replying to letters, calls etc

Get over there at the weekend, and see what you find out

[arwyn]

lol @ Chris

[ummmm]

150 miles to see a 99 year old...and you haven't thought to do the journey in over 3 months??

[dotty.]

I had that thought initially ummmm, but it is possible the couple are not of an age where a long train journey is the easiest of undertakings

[ummmm]

True...but it's obvious it needs more than phonecalls and letters...

If she has died could they not find that out?

[chrissa1]

Good point dotty.

[Maydup]

Have you tried to google her name? If she had died the sister might have put a notice in the local paper, in which case it would show up online.

I'd also write to Social Services aftre having no luck on the phone. Say that she is your husbands next of kin and you need to know what has happedned to her. Give her full name and place of birth and date of birth; last known address and whatever else you can think of. Its possible that they'll respond more positively to a traditional letter.

Finally there is always the Salvation Army who are well known for their ability to trace people. They can act as liaison between you all and offer support too

Good luck and I do hope this has a happy ending

[dotty.]

They could ummmm, but how do you ring the local register office to ask if your mum has died? The local undertakers won't share info these days. The one concern if she has already passed is how they will fare with the probate issue

[welshlibranr]

Yes chrissy, dot has a very good point, maybe they are not up to making the journey, maybe best to phone the local police, they could go round and check, speak to neighbours etc, then they may get some answers!.......

[Big Jenny]

Thank you all for your replies and suggestions. I had thought of the police, but my husband is not keen on the idea. As regards neighbours, she always said that she didn't know her neighbours. They are at work all day, and in any case she is a very disagreeable woman who wouldn't speak to anyone if they tried to be friendly towards her.

I have pleaded with my husband to get down there and make some enquiries in person, but he wont. He point-blank refuses to 'phone his sister, or go to her house, which I would have thought would be the first move. I think I care more about finding my mother-in-law than he does, but she has never liked me and I don't think she would be very pleased to see me, even if I was able to locate her. I think it should be my husband who actually goes in to see her, although I would accompany him on the trip. All that is, of course, assuming we can find her whereabouts.

You are probably right, JackDaniels, about my sister-in-law preventing her mother making contact with my husband. She is a nasty piece of work and I wouldn't put it past her. However, another possibility is that mother-in-law has specifically told her daughter not to tell anyone where she is. If, for example, she has had to go into a care home, she is the sort of person who would consider that shameful and degrading, and wouldn't want anyone to know she was in "one of those places".

Dotty, to answer your question, she will be 100 next February.

I will keep working on my husband and try to get him to agree to a trip down there. I don't think we are going to get any information by 'phone.

BJ

[dotty.]

Ahhh so she was on the 1911 census as a 2 month old, excellent. Sorry just digressed a bit,
It sounds as thought there is no love lost anyway and quite possibly your husband has been excluded from her will.

[grasscarp]

How strange. If it was my mother 1,000 miles wouldnt keep me from going.

[dotty.]

my maths were always rubbish