Saturday Punt - 2 November 2024
Other Sports1 min ago
Mental Health Advice
31 Answers
This is a long question but it needs to be long to explain it all.
One of my close family members, female (47) is married to a man of the same age and they have 2 children (11 and 8). They have been married about 13 years, but lived together for about 10 years before getting married.
While he was ok at first, he has always been it bit "strange", somewhat remote, a bit of a loner, and is not a great mixer. He also suffers from a certain amount of OCD.
All his adult life he has jogged but he has to write down how many miles he has run each day/week/month. He has also kept track of each plane that he has flown on and how many miles he has flown (as does his father), and also each time they fill up with petrol he makes a note of how many litres and what the mileage is on the car (he has been doing this for years for no reason really).
After they had been living together for about 8 years she asked him to marry her on Valentines day and he said "it has never really occured to me".
She booked a date for a wedding without telling him and gave him the date (2 months in the future) but he went into such a state of worry and panic about it that they had to cancel the wedding date.
Eventually he decided getting married was ok so they married a few months later.
He seemed very happy at first, and was very happy when both chldren came along.
But gradually over the years he had become more and more "controlling" and a pain to live with and now their marriage is collapsing.
He is paranoid about what the kids eat and insists they only eat "good" food, but carries it to the extreme, telling them off if they dont eat their last bit of carrot or brocilli. If they go out for a meal he wont let the kids order chips and often makes them cry at the restaurant if they cant order what they want.
He took the children to HIS parents a few months ago and even they told him off for the way he was dealing with the kids and what they eat.
When he comes home from work he asks how much "fresh air" the kids have had and if they have not been out he will take them out in the evening to get some fresh air.
The 11 year old is starting to want to wear her own clothes but he insists on telling her what to wear, and this often leads to arguments.
Both the children are lovely good natured children with no issues, but he seems to row with them all the time, often over trivial things, and often makes them cry. He makes a "big issue" over the most trivial things.
The younger boy is starting to say things like "you are a horrible daddy" and the older girl does not want to go out anywhere with him any more.
The situation beween my female relative and him has totally broken down.
They have not been intimate for "years". She has been a great wife and mother, planning and organizing all the home life, plus organizing holidays and so on, but he does not appreciate anything she has done and has never thanked her or bought her flowers in all the years they have been together.
Even though I have known him for years I have never really got to know him (he keeps a "barrier" up, even to his wife) and I dont think I could go and talk to him about his problems.
I did go and talk to his best male friend, hoping he would be able to talk to him (and they did have a talk but the friend said he got nowhere).
Personally I think he need medical help, probably for a mental problem.
Does anyone recognize his mental problems, is it an extreme form of OCD, of something else?
Anyone got an ideas how to deal with this because I can see them splitting up this year if it is not sorted.
One of my close family members, female (47) is married to a man of the same age and they have 2 children (11 and 8). They have been married about 13 years, but lived together for about 10 years before getting married.
While he was ok at first, he has always been it bit "strange", somewhat remote, a bit of a loner, and is not a great mixer. He also suffers from a certain amount of OCD.
All his adult life he has jogged but he has to write down how many miles he has run each day/week/month. He has also kept track of each plane that he has flown on and how many miles he has flown (as does his father), and also each time they fill up with petrol he makes a note of how many litres and what the mileage is on the car (he has been doing this for years for no reason really).
After they had been living together for about 8 years she asked him to marry her on Valentines day and he said "it has never really occured to me".
She booked a date for a wedding without telling him and gave him the date (2 months in the future) but he went into such a state of worry and panic about it that they had to cancel the wedding date.
Eventually he decided getting married was ok so they married a few months later.
He seemed very happy at first, and was very happy when both chldren came along.
But gradually over the years he had become more and more "controlling" and a pain to live with and now their marriage is collapsing.
He is paranoid about what the kids eat and insists they only eat "good" food, but carries it to the extreme, telling them off if they dont eat their last bit of carrot or brocilli. If they go out for a meal he wont let the kids order chips and often makes them cry at the restaurant if they cant order what they want.
He took the children to HIS parents a few months ago and even they told him off for the way he was dealing with the kids and what they eat.
When he comes home from work he asks how much "fresh air" the kids have had and if they have not been out he will take them out in the evening to get some fresh air.
The 11 year old is starting to want to wear her own clothes but he insists on telling her what to wear, and this often leads to arguments.
Both the children are lovely good natured children with no issues, but he seems to row with them all the time, often over trivial things, and often makes them cry. He makes a "big issue" over the most trivial things.
The younger boy is starting to say things like "you are a horrible daddy" and the older girl does not want to go out anywhere with him any more.
The situation beween my female relative and him has totally broken down.
They have not been intimate for "years". She has been a great wife and mother, planning and organizing all the home life, plus organizing holidays and so on, but he does not appreciate anything she has done and has never thanked her or bought her flowers in all the years they have been together.
Even though I have known him for years I have never really got to know him (he keeps a "barrier" up, even to his wife) and I dont think I could go and talk to him about his problems.
I did go and talk to his best male friend, hoping he would be able to talk to him (and they did have a talk but the friend said he got nowhere).
Personally I think he need medical help, probably for a mental problem.
Does anyone recognize his mental problems, is it an extreme form of OCD, of something else?
Anyone got an ideas how to deal with this because I can see them splitting up this year if it is not sorted.
Answers
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Yes, and we're very quick to label not so nice people because it makes it easier for 'nice' people to understand them.
Being brought up in a mans pub, I've known some really nasty people. Horrible, nasty, bitter, inadequate. I think inadequate is probably the most apt word.
If someone is not a nice person, write them off, don't try and diagnose them.
That's not a knock on you, VHG, but don't think too deeply about it, most of these people are only puddle deep themselves.
Being brought up in a mans pub, I've known some really nasty people. Horrible, nasty, bitter, inadequate. I think inadequate is probably the most apt word.
If someone is not a nice person, write them off, don't try and diagnose them.
That's not a knock on you, VHG, but don't think too deeply about it, most of these people are only puddle deep themselves.
I don't think there is any chance of this man's issues being 'sorted'.
From your description I doubt that he has a diagnosable mental health problem, or one that would be amenable to treatment of any kind. (Remembering, of course, that any treatment in the field of mental health depends hugely on the person being treated co-operating with the treatment whether it be medication or 'talking').
This man is not going to admit that he has any problems. It is always going to be everyone else who is at fault.
Sadly, my advice to your female relative would be to cut her losses as soon as possible and get herself and her children out of his influence.
From your description I doubt that he has a diagnosable mental health problem, or one that would be amenable to treatment of any kind. (Remembering, of course, that any treatment in the field of mental health depends hugely on the person being treated co-operating with the treatment whether it be medication or 'talking').
This man is not going to admit that he has any problems. It is always going to be everyone else who is at fault.
Sadly, my advice to your female relative would be to cut her losses as soon as possible and get herself and her children out of his influence.
VHG - as someone there said he could be a control freak - but I am quite involved and know autism a little bit - he definitely has aspergers/autism which has carried through with him all this time - don't really know how his wife either found him attractive to marry him with all these traits cos after all she lived with him for 10 years so she must have known what she was getting into. Autistic people don't interact and must do and say all the things you said very like that - extremely exacting and no reason for it all - quite sad actually. For everyone concerned it would be better for the marriage not to go on although I don't know how he would cope. I know a young boy with autism going through university - I could not believe when I heard but they can survive - they are very clever.
Connemmara (an everyone else), thanks for the replies.
My son has Dyspraxia, and my wife works with people with learning disabilities, so we do have some experience of Autism and similar illnesses.
I have to say he was a very different person 25 years or so ago when they met. They had some good times together and went on a number of exciting holidays on their own (touring Canada in a camper van for example).
He loves rambling and before they were married he would take my female relative with him sometimes. He never took into account that she could not walk as far as him and always took her too far. Many a walk he has had to leave her half way round the walk, then finish the walk himself and then drive back to pick her up. He never seemed to learn and always insisted on doing these long walks with her. So total disregard of another person (Autism trait).
We have plenty of older photos of him smiling and laughing, and he used to play with our kids in the garden when our kids were younger.
I have to say I have not seen him smile or laugh much (if at all) for these last couple of years. In fact my wife and I went round to feed their cats recently when they were away and there was a picture of him on the wall and I said to my wife "look a picture of him smiling, it must be an old picture".
As a family we did have our concerns about him before they married and there was plenty of discussion about what my female relative should do after they had cancelled the first wedding date.
But my female relative decided she had invested too many years in him to throw it all away, so pushed ahead with the wedding plans.
Although we had concerns about him before they were married he was nowhere near as bad then as he is now. He really seems to be a "Mr Angry" now and the slightest thing will set him off.
A few days ago he did the washing up, but left the things my female relative had used and washed everything else up (even though she had bought the food and cooked the meal). When asked why he had left it he said "because you just dumped your stuff on the work surface".
I am afraid it is now getting tit for tat. She now wont cook him a meal, so he does not wash her stuff up and so it goes on.
It is very sad to see a marriage crumbling before our eyes.
My son has Dyspraxia, and my wife works with people with learning disabilities, so we do have some experience of Autism and similar illnesses.
I have to say he was a very different person 25 years or so ago when they met. They had some good times together and went on a number of exciting holidays on their own (touring Canada in a camper van for example).
He loves rambling and before they were married he would take my female relative with him sometimes. He never took into account that she could not walk as far as him and always took her too far. Many a walk he has had to leave her half way round the walk, then finish the walk himself and then drive back to pick her up. He never seemed to learn and always insisted on doing these long walks with her. So total disregard of another person (Autism trait).
We have plenty of older photos of him smiling and laughing, and he used to play with our kids in the garden when our kids were younger.
I have to say I have not seen him smile or laugh much (if at all) for these last couple of years. In fact my wife and I went round to feed their cats recently when they were away and there was a picture of him on the wall and I said to my wife "look a picture of him smiling, it must be an old picture".
As a family we did have our concerns about him before they married and there was plenty of discussion about what my female relative should do after they had cancelled the first wedding date.
But my female relative decided she had invested too many years in him to throw it all away, so pushed ahead with the wedding plans.
Although we had concerns about him before they were married he was nowhere near as bad then as he is now. He really seems to be a "Mr Angry" now and the slightest thing will set him off.
A few days ago he did the washing up, but left the things my female relative had used and washed everything else up (even though she had bought the food and cooked the meal). When asked why he had left it he said "because you just dumped your stuff on the work surface".
I am afraid it is now getting tit for tat. She now wont cook him a meal, so he does not wash her stuff up and so it goes on.
It is very sad to see a marriage crumbling before our eyes.
VHG - it is not necessary to pigeon-hole this person into one syndrome .
Obsessive-compulsive behaviours are common and disabling in autistic-spectrum disorders (ASD) . I would tend to lean towards the high -functioning autistic diagnosis -from what you have said -your problem is getting this person help -if he does not want any help you can't force him -perhaps his wife can ask him to go and seek help with the adage that if he doesn't then their marriage may not survive ? Then again -this may not bother him either.
Obsessive-compulsive behaviours are common and disabling in autistic-spectrum disorders (ASD) . I would tend to lean towards the high -functioning autistic diagnosis -from what you have said -your problem is getting this person help -if he does not want any help you can't force him -perhaps his wife can ask him to go and seek help with the adage that if he doesn't then their marriage may not survive ? Then again -this may not bother him either.
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