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ChatterBank0 min ago
Help With My 'friend' Please
21 Answers
PLEASE READ PROPERLY OR YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM, MANY THANKS :)
Serious answers only please.
I have known my best friend for quite a few years and we are both in our 40s.
She has changed quite a lot since I first met her in lots of ways.
I have recently stopped drinking and she likes to drink a lot, so we don't go out at night much any more.
I have a few issues with her being the following:
1) If we eat out she has to complain about the food. We went to Betty's Tea Rooms recently and she complained because her scone was cold. For anyone not in the know, you do not serve scones hot or warm. She sent the scone back (much to the disbelief of the waitress). We met yesterday and we ate out (at a venue of HER choice). She complained to me about her chicken being too cold but this time did not send it back. She spoils every meal with her whining.
2) I like to go for a tea/coffee and a chat. She will drink her tea as fast as she can and say she doesn't want to sit around drinking tea all day and insist we rush off.
3) If we do go out at night she insists on taking me where SHE wants to go first and then if I am lucky I will get my choice.
We are going out on Saturday. Yesterday she told me she had arranged to go to her favourite pub (which is right at the bottom end of town away from the other bars). This was the first subject she broached with me and her speech sounded like she had rehearsed it!!! I WOULD cancel but I have bought a fancy dress costume now and so need to go out really.
She said that it was only fair that she got some of her own way! I couldn't quite believe my ears! I told her I wasn't going to argue with her and that I was willing to go to her favourite pub for one drink. If she had her way we would stay in there ALL night long or until she was ready to move on.
In the past I have had to barter with her so that we can go where I want to go. And I have lost count of the nights we have stayed in her favourite places for hours and hours and hours. I cannot believe she thinks it is ME who is selfish and wants all my own way.
The annoying thing is, when she is out without me she will text me and tell me she is in MY favourite pub having a fabulous time!
Over the years she has made some catty remarks about my weight and height saying that she is much taller than me (we are both the same height). Now she has gained weight and I am slimmer than her but I would not dream of saying anything about her weight. I think her ex said I was pretty and I feel she is annoyed about that too.
We have little in common, we don't like the same music, she drinks lots of alcohol and I don't, we don't like the same food or clothes or TV programmes.
So here are my questions:
Do you think she is jealous of me?
I don't want confrontation so I am not going to tackle her about issues, but I don't look forward to seeing her any more so......should I phase her out of my life?
Any sincere help would be great. There are other issues too but we won't go into those as there is not time!
Serious answers only please.
I have known my best friend for quite a few years and we are both in our 40s.
She has changed quite a lot since I first met her in lots of ways.
I have recently stopped drinking and she likes to drink a lot, so we don't go out at night much any more.
I have a few issues with her being the following:
1) If we eat out she has to complain about the food. We went to Betty's Tea Rooms recently and she complained because her scone was cold. For anyone not in the know, you do not serve scones hot or warm. She sent the scone back (much to the disbelief of the waitress). We met yesterday and we ate out (at a venue of HER choice). She complained to me about her chicken being too cold but this time did not send it back. She spoils every meal with her whining.
2) I like to go for a tea/coffee and a chat. She will drink her tea as fast as she can and say she doesn't want to sit around drinking tea all day and insist we rush off.
3) If we do go out at night she insists on taking me where SHE wants to go first and then if I am lucky I will get my choice.
We are going out on Saturday. Yesterday she told me she had arranged to go to her favourite pub (which is right at the bottom end of town away from the other bars). This was the first subject she broached with me and her speech sounded like she had rehearsed it!!! I WOULD cancel but I have bought a fancy dress costume now and so need to go out really.
She said that it was only fair that she got some of her own way! I couldn't quite believe my ears! I told her I wasn't going to argue with her and that I was willing to go to her favourite pub for one drink. If she had her way we would stay in there ALL night long or until she was ready to move on.
In the past I have had to barter with her so that we can go where I want to go. And I have lost count of the nights we have stayed in her favourite places for hours and hours and hours. I cannot believe she thinks it is ME who is selfish and wants all my own way.
The annoying thing is, when she is out without me she will text me and tell me she is in MY favourite pub having a fabulous time!
Over the years she has made some catty remarks about my weight and height saying that she is much taller than me (we are both the same height). Now she has gained weight and I am slimmer than her but I would not dream of saying anything about her weight. I think her ex said I was pretty and I feel she is annoyed about that too.
We have little in common, we don't like the same music, she drinks lots of alcohol and I don't, we don't like the same food or clothes or TV programmes.
So here are my questions:
Do you think she is jealous of me?
I don't want confrontation so I am not going to tackle her about issues, but I don't look forward to seeing her any more so......should I phase her out of my life?
Any sincere help would be great. There are other issues too but we won't go into those as there is not time!
Answers
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I agree with the others who say your lifestyles have changed, and it's time for the friendship to move on, too. Get other friends, don't be reliant on her for your entertainment. I don't think she's jealous of you, I think she's self-centred, and can't see that your life is moving on.
No need to post this twice, by the way....
No need to post this twice, by the way....
You are allowing yourself to be bullied by this so-called friend and I think you either need to tell her straight how you feel or end your friendship with her right now. I can totally sympathise with you because I have a friend who tried to treat me the same way until one day I finally blew my top and told him straight. My outburst was a long time coming and I think it shocked him because he wasn't expecting it from a seemingly non-confrontational person like me. I'm glad to say it changed him for the better and he now treats me with respect. If deep down, you don't want to lose your friend, you really do need to sit down and have a talk with her.
She may be jealous but I think she just likes to dominate someone who is soft-hearted and nice. Ask yourself - What do I get out of this friendship? If the answer is Nothing but grief and put-downs, then this is no friendship and just because you have known her a long time does not obligate you to continue to be her friend.
Find a fancy dress "do" that's on, on Saturday evening - there will be plenty it being Halloween time and pluck up the courage to go. Is there someone else who will go with you? if not, go on your own and mingle. It's easy when you're in a fancy dress costume because somehow you are playing a part and you don't have to be shy.
Well done on giving up the drink. Your friend sounds like she is probably annoyed or jealous that you did and maybe will try to get you back to her level of drinking. That's the best reason to stay clear of her. Text and say you are busy Saturday. You don't have to give a reason, but if she insists and you cave in, meeting up with an old school or work mate usually works and NO she cannot come too.
Personally I would block her calls and texts after this. You may get a bit of grief, but just say that you are moving on and don't wish to be around drink AT ALL. This needn't be true but it's a good excuse.
I wish you well in this. Been there myself cos I'm a big softy too and can sort out others' problems - mine I find it hard to be hard but I found out after 40 years of close friendship that my best friend had been using me all that time. Everyone saw it but me. It was hard to let it go, but I see now I'm much better without her and realise now how much I was used and that I got not much out of the friendship but control and criticism.
All the best, take care, and think about what YOU want for a change
Find a fancy dress "do" that's on, on Saturday evening - there will be plenty it being Halloween time and pluck up the courage to go. Is there someone else who will go with you? if not, go on your own and mingle. It's easy when you're in a fancy dress costume because somehow you are playing a part and you don't have to be shy.
Well done on giving up the drink. Your friend sounds like she is probably annoyed or jealous that you did and maybe will try to get you back to her level of drinking. That's the best reason to stay clear of her. Text and say you are busy Saturday. You don't have to give a reason, but if she insists and you cave in, meeting up with an old school or work mate usually works and NO she cannot come too.
Personally I would block her calls and texts after this. You may get a bit of grief, but just say that you are moving on and don't wish to be around drink AT ALL. This needn't be true but it's a good excuse.
I wish you well in this. Been there myself cos I'm a big softy too and can sort out others' problems - mine I find it hard to be hard but I found out after 40 years of close friendship that my best friend had been using me all that time. Everyone saw it but me. It was hard to let it go, but I see now I'm much better without her and realise now how much I was used and that I got not much out of the friendship but control and criticism.
All the best, take care, and think about what YOU want for a change
I don't think it matters if she is jealous of you or not.
I think if you are no longer compatible you should look to expand your circle of friends, and move on as appropriate.
Meanwhile you can have a heart to heart with her if you wish, you may be able to repair this by both of you compromising, but do you personally think it worth it ?
I think if you are no longer compatible you should look to expand your circle of friends, and move on as appropriate.
Meanwhile you can have a heart to heart with her if you wish, you may be able to repair this by both of you compromising, but do you personally think it worth it ?
I can assure you, ummmm, he knew full well what he was doing because he didn't do it with other people, just me. He clearly thought I was a soft touch who wouldn't say boo to a mouse. Even others noticed how he tried to belittle me. I'm sure if you knew the guy, you'd agree 100% with me. It was just a classic case of him being someone who needed to be put in his place. I'm not a violent person but there were times when I came close to punching his lights out and I don't think anyone would have blamed me had I have done.
Like everyone is saying...drop her. Similar situation happened to me....I thought to myself...does this person deserve me as a friend?. I spent nights alone and yes a little guilt but I knew deep down I was right. It worked. Two things will happen , she will get the hint and go or she will ask why, ifs it the latter then explain everything..... don't argue....remember...your a nice person.
