Decisions After Being Widowed

[Scarlett]

My mum has been a widow for just over a year. In that time, she has veered widely regarding her plans for the future. She is now 81, and in good health. Her most recent decision, is to move hundreds of miles away from her hometown, to live close to my sister. She did this for Christmas last year, and absolutely hated being away from her roots. Every time she makes a decision, she is convinced that it is the right one, and then changes her mind shortly after. This time, she seems set to move. I know that she is still grieving, and my dad‘s ashes finally made their way back to Last week. How long do you think one should wait before making big life decisions, whilst still grieving?

[hellywelly4]

I decided to move town to live near my daughter after two months. Never regretted it, but all my close friends had left before me, so it wasn’t difficult.

[Barsel]

There are lots of different reasons why we feel we would like to move, and sometimes we don't think things through as we should. If you feel your mum is being hasty, perhaps you could talk to her about why it might be a bad idea? My brother moved a long way away when he was in his 70's to be near to his daughter and grandchildren, but now he is 83 and his grandchildren have married and moved away and he very rarely sees his daughter as she has new interests.As your Mum is 81 yrs old, I think she has to be absolutely sure, as it's not a good idea to keep moving as you get older.

[Scarlett]

Agreed. Also making any important decision during a pandemic seems to be a concern. Because she will be feeling extra isolated, extra lonely, she can’t imagine a life now where she could be sociable and join groups and make new friends. It’s hard to imagine right now coming out the other side and starting living again. Her decisions seem to be based on Never coming out the other side. It seems like she’s setting her sights very low, but I also think she does need some support at her age, and at least will get one of her children nearby.

[woofgang]

Your mum is an adult. I am sure you love her and are worried but not sure that you can do anything

[aelmpvw]

//She did this for Christmas last year, and absolutely hated being away from her roots//
doing it permanently doesn't seem like a good decision does it?

[Scarlett]

That’s my fear. She absolutely hated it when she was there for two months last year over the winter, and my sister would be the only person that she knows. Everything else would be unfamiliar. I think it’s very easy to make snap decisions after being lonely during lockdown for eight months. I wonder if she would make the same decision if Covid weren’t a thing. I doubt it.

[barry1010]

Before lockdown were her friends treating her any differently because she'd been widowed? Widows and divorcees often feel like spare parts in old friendships because they no longer have their spouse - they can find themselves excluded from social occasions which is very hurtful.

People aren't different just because they are older - 80 year old women can still feel jealous of the new widow their husband is helping out and paying attention to, even though they have been friends for years. Maybe this sort of thing is affecting your mother's thinking. Maybe she feels she would cope better with your dad's death in a new house and area, away from constant reminders and memories.

In the mean time try to convince her that now is not a good time to be looking for a new home because we are getting close to Christmas, that it would be much better to wait until the end of lockdown when travel and viewing will be easier.

[Maydup]

In her defence she was a very recent widow last Christmas. She would have been grieving and likely to have had a miserable Christmas wherever she was.

This year we have the pandemic which is affecting us all in all sorts of ways but especially tough on those living alone. My own Mum about the same age is struggling without her social life but noticeably uninterested in the things she used to do. Company is more important to her now than anything else and to be nearer some relatives is probably a very attractive option for your Mum. Will this potential move make her closer or further away from you?

[Peter Pedant]

a year

but yr dear mam seems to be able to make bad decisions whatever the time of the year

[Scarlett]

Maydup- well she has no friends, sadly. She spent the last 20 years of her life looking after my dad. If she moved she would be about 800 miles from me, but she would be with my sister. At the moment I don’t get to see her anyway as she is still three hours from me. After my dad died she wanted to join groups and make new friends. Obviously Covid put a stop to that, so she is probably imagining but her life will stay like this unless she moves far away. Whereas I believe that once Covid is under control, she would probably be happier in her hometown.