Overweight depressed husband

[chongalolo]

My hubby is a wonderful man - kind, funny, loving and a perfect partner and best friend. Unfortunately he is extremely overweight (over 22 stone), he hates his job and he is becoming very depressed. He is a comfort eater, so has a constant battle with food and now has diabetes. Our sex life has become almost non existent. He does not have the confidence to keep trying for a new job, as he is so overweight. He has had a few interviews over the past few years but has not been successful. The kids (both in their twenties) and I are so worried about him. I think he is eating his way to an early grave (he's 53 now) and I don't know how to help him. If I try to talk to him about it he gets too upset and walks out of the room. I cook low cal healthy meals, but he buys extra food on his way home from work (I found fast food wrappers in his car) or eats when I have gone to bed late at night. We joined a gym together but he gave up after a few weeks and we started going for walks but he says he is too tired to do this after work. Can anyone help with advice or ideas? Do I just let him make his own decisions about his life and his body? Is there a way I can help him without being pushy and horrible?

[smudge]

I do sympathise with your husband, you & your family.

It looks like you & your children have already tried to encourage him to eat healthier & lose weight, but I feel that this has got to come from him. As the saying goes "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".

If all else has failed, perhaps you could gently encourage him to visit his GP as a first step towards getting help.

I wish you all good luck for the future.

[andy-hughes]

I think your husband is involved in a vicious circle of depression, low self-image, and comfort eating.

The circle has to be broken - and i think a visit to the doctor would help. the doctor may well refer him to a dietician who will advise on eating strategies to help his weight problem.

That will only work if his mental state is sorted, and this may require a short course of anti-depressants. Don't be alarmed, anti-depressant medication is far more sophisticated than it used to be, they can find a prexription that is virtually tailor-made for the individual patient, they are not addictive, and he may not need them long-term.

Raising his mental state will help in his self-esteem, and the discipline needed to loose wight, so everything is inter-connected, and should all start to imrprove together, but it starts with a doctor's appointment. Because of his low state, he will be reluctamt to go, but do pursuade him, you'll all be glad you did.

[morg_monster]

I have just been reading www.thefatmanwalking.com which the bbc highlighted in an article on their website today. though it isn't very practical for your husband to lose weight by walking across the country, Steve's online journal is full of a lot of interesting writing about being overweight, depressed, and generally feeling like a failure. He obviously has a lot of time to think while walking - he has been going for nearly a year and is nearly at his final destination of New York. It might make some interesting reading for you, and maybe for your husband if you can persuade him.

It sounds like he knows that he has a problem, but he can't quite face up to it himself yet. keep cooking him healthy meals that fill him up, wholegrain bread, pasta and rice will fill him up more than the white versions, and I don't think they taste that different. I don't know if you could be bothered to do this or have time in your routine but maybe you could make him something filling to take to work for his lunch or encourage him to - it is really hard finding something suitable in the supermarkets that doesn't cost the earth.

Your husband has to take some action himself, whether it is committing to exercising more or maybe even getting some kind of counselling to deal with the underlying issues of overeating and depression. Unfortunately it is only he who can decide to do this. Keep telling him that you and the kids worry about him and that his life isn't over yet at 53 - if he gets healthier he could probably add 10 or 20 years to his life span, thats time he could see grandchildren growing up into adults themselves. And just wait. Maybe use the coming spring and summer to encourage him to get out more. remind him that the more exercise he does, the more energy he'll have so he won't feel so tired.

[Richie1976]

Do a little reading up on NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), if you're not familiar with it is all to do how to train yours and other peoples brain. Like for example giving up smoking or drinking, and in your husbands case eating.

It will also help you learn what buttons to press, in order to impulse him to make the choice you would want him to make. For example if he audio impulsed (like to hear things rather than see or touch) and he tends to move away from things (being on his own), you could try telling him if he carries on the way he is, he's going to loose the things he care about the most, you his children.

It's all about breaking the current cycle, Tony Robbins is a phenomenon at this. Maybe try googling Tony Robbins and NLP.

Hope this helps and good luck.

[PhilBy]

I think the key word here is "Depression"

No matter how well your meaning trying to encouage him to eat a more healthy diet, I fear you will be fighting a losing battle until his depression is checked.

I supported my wife through depression and I found you could only 'talk' about it during the good times...if you know what I mean, at any other times it would only only result in similar behavior to your husbands. (Sometime much worse)!!

Whilst professional help can still be a bit 'hit & miss', overall the illness is much more understood and there is a good chance with the support that is there from his family he will soon see the good in himself once again.........I hope so :-)

[WoWo]

It sounds very similar to my situation, the difference is I eat out of boredom rather than depression. I think you need to shock him a bit seeing as nothing seems to be working.

Personally I think sending him to the doctors might be pointless, I went a few times in desperation and they were next to useless, they effectively told me all they could do was come in once a week and nurse would weigh me. It's all well and good the doctor saying you need to eat healthy and exercise but I'd imagine like me he is well aware of that anyway.

I'd recommend a book called Slim 4 Life,

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0007133030/qid= 1143029233/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_3_2/026-5064000-2424433

It's good because it's not about going on a diet but confronts why we are in the situation we are and what we can do about it long term.

I think the difficult thing for you is that he doesn't seem to want to help himself and he really needs to do that if anything is to be successful. Personally I'm considering completely leaving work (one of my main problems) and devoting my entire life to breaking the cycle, I think it's going to have to be something that drastic to sort myself out.

[PhilBy]

Sorry, I must disagree with andy-hughes 100% with his assumption that anti-dpressants are not addictive, with my wife the process became much more complicated due to the use of the above..... she still suffers side effects from using them. Thankfully it is now coming to light just how dangerous these drugs can be (& how the pharmacy companies have not told the truth) and if you do have a choice try to choose a younger Doctor who will be more up to speed about the dangers of ant-depressants but certainly a Doctor who understands mental health issues and not a "pull yourself together" type who sadly are still out there!

[smudge]

As I have mentioned in my first post - I still think a trip to the GP should be the first port of call, Not only could your husband be suffering from depression, he could be given a thorough examination & maybe blood tests to test for things like Diabetes, which can be just one of the ailments that can arise from being overweight/obese.

Good luck.

[chongalolo]

Thank you all so much for your supportive, informative and interesting input. I have been unable to talk to anyone else about this and I already feel a bit better.

I will definitely check out the fat man walking website and the Slim 4 Life book. It seems to be a chicken and egg situation - depression and weight taking turns to rule his life. I agree that talking to him needs to be done when he is a more positive mood.

Smudge, my hubby is diabetic, and he has high blood pressure and takes tablets for both. He sees the doctor fairly regularly, but whatever advice he gets will not help until he does things for himself. He is in complete denial at the moment. BTW both his parents died in their early 60s so that is an added worry.

Anyway I will carry on doing what I can to help him and just keep hoping that he will find the strength to turn his life around.

[smudge]

Sorry to hear that your husband already has diabetes & high blood pressure chongalolo. I was wondering whether he may have had any other health issues, that's why I suggested a thorough medical examination. At least if he already sees his GP on a regular basis for those ailments, then at least he's being monitored.

I wish you all the best, but as I said in my first post "You can lead a horse to water.......!

[smudge]

P.S. It's such a shame your husband's parents died so young. It must be an extra worry you both, but I'm sure that won't happen to your husband, so try to think positive.

[smudge]

*for

[Kay]

I also think a chat with the gp wont do any harm for your hubby chongalolo but PLEASE, be wary of him being prescribed antidepressants. These would be SSRI's the magic pills of the 90's. Philby is right,these AD's can be very addictive and dangerous. I can relate to your hubby's depression re his weight. Could you persuade him to join Slimming World? Most branches have classes for men only and he will never feel hungry.Good luck.

[WendyS]

You have already had a lot of sensible answers so I'm not sure anything else I can add will help. Your husband is a lucky man in that he has wife and family who want to support him and it seems to me that you've already done virtually everything you can to try and motivate him to lose weight and live a sensible lifestyle. It does sound to me as if he's in a bitter cycle of depression, i.e. hates the job, comfort eats to cheer himself up, puts on weight, so hates himself more and thus loses motivation to change.

If everything fails, perhaps consider some shock tactics. All of you sit down with him quietly one evening and tell him you all want have a serious family debate. Give him a Will form to complete and ask him what kind of funeral he would like and whether he wants to be resuccitated if he has a stroke or a serious heart attack or falls into a diabetic coma. First lock the doors so that he can't adopt his usual "blanking" techique of walking out when uncomfortable topics are mentioned. Tell him it's now "crunch time", that you all love him dearly and will do whatever is necessary to help him lose weight but you can no longer collectively sit there and watch him destroy himself. Privately (and not in front of your daughters) you might hint that even acknowleding all his good points his present lifestyle is affecting the ability of your marriage to thrive.

He will doubtless be very angry. Most of us are when confronted with uncomfortable truths about ourselves. but on reflection he will hopefully recognise that he can no longer avoid confronting his demons. Then give him lots of love, encourgement and support, and hopefully eventually you'll get your "old" husband back again. Good luck.

[caravan]

Until recently I weighed 23 131 kg, then I had a Heart Attack, whilst in hospital I was given Diuretice, it appeare one kg of weight = one ltr of fluid.

I now weigh 117kg, but I take 10mg bumetanide, 40mg of spirolactone, 2.5mg of metolozone. All diuretics.

If you push your finger into your leg in the front near your ankle, if it leaves a dent thats fluid NOT FAT

[ianess]

chongalolo........you're not my wife by any chance? It all sounds so familiar and similar to my situation. I do hope that things sort themselves out for you and yours but resolving the depression problem isn't so easy. Pills tend to work for a while but it will be a long haul with lots of peaks and troughs. I've often wondered why and for how long my wife and kids can put up with me. I'm not trying to paint a picture of doom and gloom or feel sorry for myself but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Best wishes for the future.