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What's the best course of action when your child is self-harming?
We have recently discovered that out 13 year old daughter is self harming. She has been cutting her arms. The first time we noticed it, a couple of months ago, I was horrified and tried to talk to her about it in a non-confrontational way, and she did promise not to do it again. This weekend I dicovered she has been cutting herself again. Her arm looks quite bad now and it could leave scars. She has also recently been in some trouble at school for being disruptive in class and not obeying uniform rules. This is not the first time either, although she does work hard at school. It feels like we are walking a tightrope all the time, as we don't want to be constantly nagging and on her back all the time, but she won't listen and has very little respect for us at times.
We have always done all in our power to try and make sure that she has a loving,happy and secure home life, and praise,support and encouragement along the way.
I am wondering what to do now. My first thought tonight is to take daughter to see the doctor a.s.a.p., although I would probably have to drag her there. I don't want to make things worse for her,but am so frightened and worried about this. What would you do if it was your daughter?
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No best answer has yet been selected by kazza55. Once a best answer has been selected, it will be shown here.
For more on marking an answer as the "Best Answer", please visit our FAQ.Thats a bit of a tough question i totally see where your coming from with the nagging bisuness this will just wind her up more and more. If it was my daughter i would make an appointment to see the doctor myself and explain to them you cant get her down there and you dont know which way to turn. They might refer you on to someone who can help. Do you know why she is doing it? Bullying worried about exams etc. My sis also 13 has just had some exams and she is a complete wreck where school has pushed her and pushed her. Good luck and i hope you get the help you deserve
This is hard but if left it will most probably get worse - the best thing to do is to first make an appointment with the gp - even if she wont go it will help you to get more info etc... and some help. Also look on the net there are quite a few sites now that give advice to both the harmer and people surrounding the harmer.
I know people who have been through this and I know a person who still goes through it now after 10 years of doing it, its awful to know of and I couldnt imagine how I would feel if I had children. As you have suggested there is obviously a cause for this and teens often find it hard to takl and open up I know I did when I was young. Does she have a best friend you could have a chat with? Maybe they might have a better view on why? I would definatly see a doctor though whether it be with your daughter or not, they will be able to give you the advice and help that you need.
http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa
http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa
Kazza: I was that 13-year old self-harming daughter. Fortunately for me, this period passed, and I put it down to teen angst and depression. I believe that forcing your daughter to see the doctor would cause her a great deal of embarrassment, and would provoke anger towards you, which I am sure you don't want to do. I personally think that the best course of action would be to contact a helpline, and maintain your supportive attitude towards your daughter. Let her know that it's upsetting you, and that you want to help, but you really must be non-judgemental, as I remember the stares of ill-concealed disgust I used to get from adults and health professionals, and that made me want to cut more. I've since had training for dealing with self-injurious behaviour, and the main points were never to take away the individual's "tools" as having a knife or scissors handy is often like a safety blanket. Also, never act alarmed or disgusted (as difficult as that is) and make sure that all cuts are dressed properly, if needs be. If you catch her doing it, that may be an excellent opportunity for a heart-to-heart, as long as you don't chastise her behaviour.
I wish you the best of luck in speaking to someone who can be more helpful in how to prevent this situation, and I hope it's something that she too grows out of. x
Jules
Thank you all so very much for your replies, it really does help to get some insights and other people's experiences and opinions about self harming. The links are also helpful. My own perceptions of self harmers have now changed dramatically and I am having to rethink my whole attitude and I have great sympathy for others that self harm and the complex reasons why they do it. I self harm everyday - I am a smoker! The links were very helpful too, and have made me realise that there is much more help and support out there than I had thought.
In my daughters case, I think the reasons for her cutting herself may be due to low self esteem,pressure at school and anger. Maybe anger at being 13 and feeling frustrated and powerless over her young life, ie. rules at home, school uniform, her social life being restricted. (she has been grounded so many times lately, but it doesn't seem to help much) After the initial shock about finding out what's been happening, I've decided not to take daughter to the doctors, that could make things alot worse and destroy her trust in us as parents. The hormonal imbalance theory was interesting, as our daughter does have a really bad,emotionally charged time during her period and is extremely bad tempered with it. It was at the same time that she cut her arm.
That was interesting about the culture thing. I know that she is aware of the Gangsta thing and likes Xibit. I found that she had downloaded it recently onto the PC and listened to a bit of that, it is disgusting and I deleted it. Please could someone tell me what is EMO? I've heard that mentioned recently.
Many,many thanks to you all. I am so grateful for all your replies. It has helped alot.
Hi, I am sorry to hear that your daughter has been self-injuring. I'm afraid that you cannot make someone who self-injures promise not to do it again. It has to be something that she gives up when she is ready, and when she has alternative coping mechanisms in place.
There are no easy answers I'm afraid. Taking her to the doctors against her will probably won't help matters. Of course if injuries are ever serious then medical attention MUST be sought.
Please visit www.lifesigns.org.uk for more information about self-injury. We have a factsheet available for download about how to help family/friends. Your daughter needs to know that she is not alone, and that there is help available.
Take care
Mary (LifeSIGNS Director)
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