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School's concerns for my son's social development
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My son is almost 5yrs and started school in september. I have not been overly concerned about him although i have thought that he maybe not be ready emotionally and socially for school and was worried about this before he started. But as he has seemed happy there i have not been too worried since only that he maybe lacks confidence there.
However, his teacher and head of early years/special needs asked to see me today. They said they are concerned about his social development and the way he interacts with his peers. They say he annoys his friends and breaks their things and thinks its funny. That he does not seem to be aware that it upsets them. And he lacks empathy. They say that he is a bright, happy boy and there are no problems in his learning. They also said he is only really interested in what he loves and not particularly interested in what others like. He also likes to know what is happening when.
It has surprised me a bit because he does not really behave like this out of school. He plays really well with friends and does not annoy them. He is also always very concerned about other children being upset, so when we are out and he sees a child crying he will be worried and ask me if they have hurt themselves. He used to get upset about this when younger. I have never really had any problems with him and have not found him too difficult to handle. He had always been very impulsive, especially when hungry or eats certain sweets and can be silly and boysterous too. But not anything i have worried about. He does like routine and to know what is happening.
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However, his teacher and head of early years/special needs asked to see me today. They said they are concerned about his social development and the way he interacts with his peers. They say he annoys his friends and breaks their things and thinks its funny. That he does not seem to be aware that it upsets them. And he lacks empathy. They say that he is a bright, happy boy and there are no problems in his learning. They also said he is only really interested in what he loves and not particularly interested in what others like. He also likes to know what is happening when.
It has surprised me a bit because he does not really behave like this out of school. He plays really well with friends and does not annoy them. He is also always very concerned about other children being upset, so when we are out and he sees a child crying he will be worried and ask me if they have hurt themselves. He used to get upset about this when younger. I have never really had any problems with him and have not found him too difficult to handle. He had always been very impulsive, especially when hungry or eats certain sweets and can be silly and boysterous too. But not anything i have worried about. He does like routine and to know what is happening.
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He behaves differently at school and i have seen him annoying other children. I have thought that it maybe he finds school difficult, lacks confidence there and that he is just too young emotionally for it. That it is down to immaturity. I am not really sure what the school think it is as they cant say. They want him to have a hearing test and to go to a speech and language therapist. His speech is really good so i am bit confused about that . The thing is i dont really know whether or not to go down the route of getting him labeled. It could on one hand be good and he will get the help he needs at school. But on the other hand could make it worse for him, making what i think makes him unique and wonderful, into problems.
I have looked on the internet about Aspergers and Autism and although he shows some of the traits, there are many he doesnt. Both my brothers and my dad have similar traits but neither were ever diagnosed or given extra help.
I have read some posts from a while back and saw that annie0000 has a son with similar behaviour. I would love to talk to you about it if you dont mind?
If anyone else has experience of this kind of thing i would love hear your views. Thank so much.
I have looked on the internet about Aspergers and Autism and although he shows some of the traits, there are many he doesnt. Both my brothers and my dad have similar traits but neither were ever diagnosed or given extra help.
I have read some posts from a while back and saw that annie0000 has a son with similar behaviour. I would love to talk to you about it if you dont mind?
If anyone else has experience of this kind of thing i would love hear your views. Thank so much.
Hi, my experience tells me that its best to find out as early as possible whether your son has any specific difficulties. As I read the first part of your posting I immediatly thought asd (autistic spectrum disorder) too. Your experience of going on the web site (or reading books) is very common with parents who say that it isn't their child. Every person with asd behaves differently although all have problems with imagination (over/under imaginative - so you can get kid who think they are a character all the time and other asd kids who are not able to understand whats its like to be the queen for example). They also have difficulty with flexibility and so struggle with changes (food/times/people etc). As well as difficulty with communication (not how he speaks which I'm sure is fluent) but his undertsanding of non-verbal communication and what is socailly acceptable.
The research also says that along with these difficulties people with asd also have sensory difficulties so are over and under sensitive to all five senses plus body awareness and balance. Having asd has lots of positives going for it - having a focused approach to things that interest you has produced some fantastic buisness leaders, politicians , engineers scientists and doctors. I dont know where you are in the country and the experience is different but if there is a difficulty in this area you acn educate yourself and advocate on behalf of your son who will gain protection if necessary under the disability discrimination act. Also school is a really hard time for kids with asd and particularly teenage asd people who can really find this time tough. I suppose I'm saying go and investigate I am sure you would want to do the best for him and finding out where he needs help will ensure you focus your energies in the right place. There are plenty a of adults out here who are leading successful lives who dont have a diagnosis (it runs in families so your relative too might have the same difficulties) but better for you and him to know why some things aren't as easy for him than other people. You can teach him all he needs to know but start by investigating exactly what his difficuties are. Families frequently dont know/cant see because they're too close or they have 'learnt' the best way to manage their children. enjoy your son he's no different to he's always been - i suspect absolutly wonderful - enjoy :-)
Your little one is demonstrating what i have witnessed for years with childrens and I wish that school teachers should be less critical about childrens who are bright.
Diet is prob to be review, eliminate fizzy drinks and ribena
start to introduce water or watch for the labels.
Sweeties, biscuits,crisps are just no good surely you will find something else to replace snacks.
Eliminates all the rubbish foods, i knows it is hard but in a short time you will see a big difference in his attitude.
Excercise, does he excercise or enough?
Does he spend too long on the front of the telly or on the computeur? this promotes agressivity.
Now these days we are too busy too work and are spending less time with our childrens resulting them too suffers in a way .
Families are spending less time together especially at meals times and it should be around the table together eating the same meal. talking about the day!
QUALITY time, try this but discus it with your partner and stick to your plan and beleive me it works!
Your child is new to school but confidence will build up , give it time, encourage good behaviour, no sweeties for good work mind and ignore tampers.
hope that this help xx
Diet is prob to be review, eliminate fizzy drinks and ribena
start to introduce water or watch for the labels.
Sweeties, biscuits,crisps are just no good surely you will find something else to replace snacks.
Eliminates all the rubbish foods, i knows it is hard but in a short time you will see a big difference in his attitude.
Excercise, does he excercise or enough?
Does he spend too long on the front of the telly or on the computeur? this promotes agressivity.
Now these days we are too busy too work and are spending less time with our childrens resulting them too suffers in a way .
Families are spending less time together especially at meals times and it should be around the table together eating the same meal. talking about the day!
QUALITY time, try this but discus it with your partner and stick to your plan and beleive me it works!
Your child is new to school but confidence will build up , give it time, encourage good behaviour, no sweeties for good work mind and ignore tampers.
hope that this help xx
I have a child with autism, which can manifest itself in many ways. There is, for instance, a difference between that and Asperger's Syndrome, or dyspraxia (which can make a child unbalance or appear clumsy). It's vital that you have your son professionally diagnosed. Meanwhile, as said above, you need to try and take note of any changes that occur after eating and drinking, as allergies and food intolerance can be to blame. I understand how you're feeling. No one wants their child labelling, but better this, than have him struggle against something which he probably can't help. Best of luck.
I work with an autistic child and two children with suspected ASD, and I would say if your child has any kind of ASD or any other "condition", diagnosis can only help. Yes, people are obviously wary of "labelling" a child, but unfortunately in this country, you will not stand a cats chance of getting him any help he may come to need now or in the future with out that label - wrong, I know, but that's how it is.
To rockolo, please remember that teachers and support staff are not necessarily being "critical" - they want the best for each child in their care. I know of none who will highlight a child unnecessarily - it is not an easy thing to tell a parent, just as it is not an easy thing for a parent to hear, so believe me, no one does it if is not needed.
aims, please try not to worry, talk to as many people as you can and work with the school, don't pull against them, then whatever your child becomes, he will have the support he needs. But don't forget also, that this could simply be behavioural, a period of adjustment, and again with the right support, he can adjust to his new setting perfectly well. Just keep an open mind (which you sound like you have already). Good luck
To rockolo, please remember that teachers and support staff are not necessarily being "critical" - they want the best for each child in their care. I know of none who will highlight a child unnecessarily - it is not an easy thing to tell a parent, just as it is not an easy thing for a parent to hear, so believe me, no one does it if is not needed.
aims, please try not to worry, talk to as many people as you can and work with the school, don't pull against them, then whatever your child becomes, he will have the support he needs. But don't forget also, that this could simply be behavioural, a period of adjustment, and again with the right support, he can adjust to his new setting perfectly well. Just keep an open mind (which you sound like you have already). Good luck
Also aims remember that the school have your sons best interests in mind, they can obviously see him struggle on a day to day basis which will make him pretty miserable as he gets older. Its important to get these things sorted out when they are young because it gives them the best opportunity of having a normal life when they are older.
Ignoring the problem will only result in the same problems dominating his life as he gets older. No one wants a label of course, especially in this shallow society where a lot of parents feel that its a slight on themselves if they produce a less than perfect child.
Ignoring the problem will only result in the same problems dominating his life as he gets older. No one wants a label of course, especially in this shallow society where a lot of parents feel that its a slight on themselves if they produce a less than perfect child.
I accept what the other posters are saying but also bear in mind that there may not be any 'medical' difficulties with your son. Boys are generally later to settle within schools than girls, they certainly mature a lot later and find the routines of school quite difficult. There is a huge swathe of evidence, especially from continental europe that boys in particular should not be in formalised settings until they are 7. There is an excellent book about these findins, i'll dig out the title and post it here.
Don't worry, it maybe that he doesn't like school.
My current experience is that my son who is nealry 6 was showing very strong signs of dyslexia...we moved him schools and hey presto his reading is improving and he now loves scholl. What I suspected and what the teacher's were missing was that he was being chronically bullied. there are many reasons why children don't get on in school, it is best to keep an open mind.
Good luck
Don't worry, it maybe that he doesn't like school.
My current experience is that my son who is nealry 6 was showing very strong signs of dyslexia...we moved him schools and hey presto his reading is improving and he now loves scholl. What I suspected and what the teacher's were missing was that he was being chronically bullied. there are many reasons why children don't get on in school, it is best to keep an open mind.
Good luck
Thanks for your answers.
I am keeping an open mind on this and looking into different things. If i really thought that my son was struggling and having difficulties i would want him to be diagnosed and have the help he needs.
I am sure that he has some traits of Aspergers but i do think there are other significant things, such as the fact he becomes very hyperactive when he is hungry. He eats a really good diet and always has done. I dont give him junk food and cook from scratch. I really notice a difference in him when he goes to parties. I have also looked into ADHD but although he again has some similarities, he does not have most.
His behaviour at home and when we are out seems to be within normal ranges. I have always been able to manage him by being patient and calm but firm, which is how i am with other children i have cared for.
I have always thought he is a sensitive boy and worries about things. But he is outgoing and sociable. He loves people and animals and is affectionate. He does have lots of friends, that he talks about a lot and says he loves. One friend from school has been round and invited him round many times. They play together really well. Although he loves things that are electrical and mechanical most and likes to know how things work. He does also like pretend play but is not overly imaginative.
He does like routine and structure and i have always had one, but it has never been rigid and he has been fine with this.
All these things i have said are very different to what his teacher is saying. It makes me think that his behaviour at school could be down to being hungry, as he does not eat their snack. He has a good packed lunch but he needs snacks through the day. And also due to confidence and being too emotionally and socially immature for school. And maybe i should wait to see if he settles and catches up. I feel if i can manage him out of school then surely the school can do the same.
I am keeping an open mind on this and looking into different things. If i really thought that my son was struggling and having difficulties i would want him to be diagnosed and have the help he needs.
I am sure that he has some traits of Aspergers but i do think there are other significant things, such as the fact he becomes very hyperactive when he is hungry. He eats a really good diet and always has done. I dont give him junk food and cook from scratch. I really notice a difference in him when he goes to parties. I have also looked into ADHD but although he again has some similarities, he does not have most.
His behaviour at home and when we are out seems to be within normal ranges. I have always been able to manage him by being patient and calm but firm, which is how i am with other children i have cared for.
I have always thought he is a sensitive boy and worries about things. But he is outgoing and sociable. He loves people and animals and is affectionate. He does have lots of friends, that he talks about a lot and says he loves. One friend from school has been round and invited him round many times. They play together really well. Although he loves things that are electrical and mechanical most and likes to know how things work. He does also like pretend play but is not overly imaginative.
He does like routine and structure and i have always had one, but it has never been rigid and he has been fine with this.
All these things i have said are very different to what his teacher is saying. It makes me think that his behaviour at school could be down to being hungry, as he does not eat their snack. He has a good packed lunch but he needs snacks through the day. And also due to confidence and being too emotionally and socially immature for school. And maybe i should wait to see if he settles and catches up. I feel if i can manage him out of school then surely the school can do the same.
rocklolo- you are right. I am actually a single mum and i dont work. I have been at home with him since the beginning. We always eat meals together and i do a lot with him. He does need a lot of physical activity and i try to make he gets it. Even if that means dancing round the house after school or playing rough and tumble! At home i dont have any problems with him and he was an easy, happy baby.
Ive taught many children ,in mainstream school, who have been diagnosed with ASD (autistic spectrum disorder).
Many of the children are absolutely fine in their own day to day lives.They have a routine and surroundings they are familiar with and mostly life goes on without disruption. The problems (and these may be relatively minor) only surface when they are faced with the unknown. Stress and anxiety can bring about behaviour which is unusual. This is when alarm bells ring for teachers and support staff for they will have been keeping a close eye from the start.
The first port of call is usually a hearing test and speech and language assessment.This is to make sure there isn't a hidden problem -and you might be surprised at how many children can cover up such problems.
Then -and possibly it may take a long time -there will be further assessments . These will show how the school can help him make the progress he should.
Please try not to worry (easy for me to say). If he has friends and copes well outside school he will do okay.
Many of the children are absolutely fine in their own day to day lives.They have a routine and surroundings they are familiar with and mostly life goes on without disruption. The problems (and these may be relatively minor) only surface when they are faced with the unknown. Stress and anxiety can bring about behaviour which is unusual. This is when alarm bells ring for teachers and support staff for they will have been keeping a close eye from the start.
The first port of call is usually a hearing test and speech and language assessment.This is to make sure there isn't a hidden problem -and you might be surprised at how many children can cover up such problems.
Then -and possibly it may take a long time -there will be further assessments . These will show how the school can help him make the progress he should.
Please try not to worry (easy for me to say). If he has friends and copes well outside school he will do okay.
aims, I haven't read through any of the responses here, as I saw that you mentioned my earlier post about my son, so i thought I woud give you an update.
My sons baehaviour was very similar to your sons and we had the same worries and concerns. However, I must say that apart from the odd occasion, he is much better - you can pretty much tell when he is one of those moods, it seems to be linked to something he has eaten, or simply when he has too much energy.
Looking back, I think it was really a lack of confidence and social skills - he has a best friend at school now and luckily this boy is a lovely child and they seem to bring out the best in each other, my son is really clever and this pulls his friend along and his friend has beautiful manners and behaviour. Now all I need to say is "how would Olly feel if you behaved like that to him?" and that seems to work. The turning point was when my younger son told me that Craig had gotten into trouble for pushing him in the playground - I had a talk with him and banned him from playstation for the day - he howled and pleaded and cried and I didn't give in - he was really upset about how disapointed I was. I spoke to his teacher about it and made sure that he knew I had and told her to let me know about any incident no matter how small, as I wanted to nip it in the bud. That was in August - I haven't had any more problems. I wouldn't be too quick to judge - I think it is just his personality and the uncertainty of school. cont......
My sons baehaviour was very similar to your sons and we had the same worries and concerns. However, I must say that apart from the odd occasion, he is much better - you can pretty much tell when he is one of those moods, it seems to be linked to something he has eaten, or simply when he has too much energy.
Looking back, I think it was really a lack of confidence and social skills - he has a best friend at school now and luckily this boy is a lovely child and they seem to bring out the best in each other, my son is really clever and this pulls his friend along and his friend has beautiful manners and behaviour. Now all I need to say is "how would Olly feel if you behaved like that to him?" and that seems to work. The turning point was when my younger son told me that Craig had gotten into trouble for pushing him in the playground - I had a talk with him and banned him from playstation for the day - he howled and pleaded and cried and I didn't give in - he was really upset about how disapointed I was. I spoke to his teacher about it and made sure that he knew I had and told her to let me know about any incident no matter how small, as I wanted to nip it in the bud. That was in August - I haven't had any more problems. I wouldn't be too quick to judge - I think it is just his personality and the uncertainty of school. cont......
Both my sons attend a lot of activities, which they love and Judo in particular seems a winner - a combination of physical contact, exercise, strict discipline and the wonders of working through a system of levels of belt absolutely suits him and i would thouroughly recommend it or some other form of martial art - the club is more important than which one it is I think. We tried a couple of Taekwon do places and didn't feel that comfortable with them. If you have anything in particular you want to know, fire away!
btw my son is now 7 and did fit some of the parameters for aspergers and autism but aslo didn't fit many as well. He has matured a lot over the last year and is also into mechanical things there is not a lego thing he cant build and recently got a fishertecknic set from santa and is building cranes with double axels etc. Try to encourage his interests even if they don't seem that sociable. Craig has taken some of his creations to school and this has gained him positive attention from his peers which has given him a real boost. We will need to visit school soon though as he is doing his carrying multiplication in his head then he works out what the little number underneath should be and adding them on to the paper so that his teacher thinks he has to work it out!
thanks so much annie. I hope you dont mind but would just like to ask you if your sons school were concerned about his behaviour at all, especially when he was younger? Did they want to do a hearing test and refer him to speech/language therapy? I am happy for him to have hearing test as i do sometimes think he does not hear me properly. You are right, food is definitely a factor and i am going to be even more careful about what he has.
One thing that he does do a lot is he worries about things that are going to happen or might happen, he can be anxious. he likes to know what is going to happen and sometimes needs lots of reassurance.
The thing that confuses me about what the school say, that he lacks empathy. He annoys other children and destroys their toys and thinks its funny. But i see him showing empathy to his friends, today on the way into school a boy from his class was on his scooter and fell off, he went up to him and stroked his head. he also is concerned when a child is crying or hurts themselves.
I agree it is very important to encourage what he loves and i have always done this. we take things apart and fix them. He has a tool box (not toy one) and he does diy for me! i take him to the science museum. the school say he is not interested in anything else but at home he loves other things as well and we do lots of different things. I'm not sure they encourage what he loves.
He is clever and is learning so much at school, he tells me everything and even shows me. His learning does not seem affected by his behaviour . i think the school have made me worry more than i should.
One thing that he does do a lot is he worries about things that are going to happen or might happen, he can be anxious. he likes to know what is going to happen and sometimes needs lots of reassurance.
The thing that confuses me about what the school say, that he lacks empathy. He annoys other children and destroys their toys and thinks its funny. But i see him showing empathy to his friends, today on the way into school a boy from his class was on his scooter and fell off, he went up to him and stroked his head. he also is concerned when a child is crying or hurts themselves.
I agree it is very important to encourage what he loves and i have always done this. we take things apart and fix them. He has a tool box (not toy one) and he does diy for me! i take him to the science museum. the school say he is not interested in anything else but at home he loves other things as well and we do lots of different things. I'm not sure they encourage what he loves.
He is clever and is learning so much at school, he tells me everything and even shows me. His learning does not seem affected by his behaviour . i think the school have made me worry more than i should.
I agree, The school did not ask him to go for a hearing test or speech therapy, although we self reffered him as he couldn't say his "r's" although this fixed itself anyway. I wouldn't say he was anxious, but he did always like to line things up and he didn't like you to go somewhere by a different route. We did have to go to school about his a couple of times beasically for the same kind of issues - once he upset a girl that I know he really likes by licking his eraser and putting it on her paper and just generally annoying her. I think again it is down to socia
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