am i being unreasonable?

[fran1]

i dated a guy 20 years ago and we split up. i married someone else and we split up 7 years ago when my daughter was then 9. i have no contact with him whatsoever and never dated anyone else until last christmas when ib umped into my old boyfriend again. he got married a few years ago and his wife left him after clearing everything out of his home with a removal van and took everything that was and wasn't nailed down. she left him nearly 2 years ago and when she collected the last of her things she said to him at the door. i have moved on now andf i am with someone else i hope you manage to get your life back together and walked off. she is still living with this other guy but when she found out via his next door neighbour that he was seeing me again she started to visit her at least once a week and now that i have moved in it is everyday. as soon as we open the blinds her car is there and they didn't even like each other and probably still don't. she was here 4 times last tuesday. is it my emotional insecurity thats wrong because i don't want to go out and pass her and the spark has worn off a bit as my boyfriend thinks i am over reacting but i know he hates it too. the next door neighbour is mentally ill and loves to stir things up she is also drunk everyday and my boyfriend has stayed in this house 44 years and has been a great neighbour to her. do you think they are just attention seekers? why is she doing this? i don't know anyone who would want to be within a million miles of there ex when it was all as bad as she made out. she does have 3 grown up kids but they are to someone else and my boyfriend does not talk to her. do you think it will fizzle out? i am really so upset that i had to go to the doctor for tranquilisers. can anyone explain her motives? please help thanks

[stonekicker]

she obviously wants to annoy the pair of you and from your post it seems that she is succeeding. it also sounds like she may still have feelings for your partner or has the 'if i can't have him, you certainly can't' mindset. basically, you have to ignore her and the neighbour if she is colluding with the ex - and if you both really hate it that much, move out. you don't necessarily have to sell up but maybe rent instead until things blow over. btw - your post gives the impression that this bugs you more than your partner. you will also have to be careful not to tread on his toes or deliver ultimatums etc. that he may not be willing to hear. tread carefully, but you need to talk about this. good luck x

[barney1966]

it sounds like you are letting this bother you too much so it is causing the trouble the ex and the neighbour thrive on. If you and he are solid and he doesn't want anything to do with her there shouldn't be anything they can to do wreck things.

Put on a united front. Be strong. When you open the blinds and see her there smile and laugh at her. Go past with your head held high and say "good morning", etc. She'll soon get fed up if she sees you strong and together and laughing at her rather than her upsetting you.

If she does become a real nuisance whereby it could be called stalking go to the police.

Please don't let it ruin things with your partner and please try to get off the medication asap as this will only make you even more paranoid and insecure.

[fran1]

thanks so much for your advice i am feeling a bit better about it now. i just keep needing reassurance in everything in life

[QueenOfAmber]

I don't think you're being unreasonable! I think you're doing pretty damn good to survive this! This sounds like a soap opera (no offense!) and his neighbor is the bad guy as well as his ex and you're the good heroine whom is pure of heart; your boyfriend seems to be in the middle which is kind of weird if you ask me because he should be protecting you and reassuring you that everything is going to be okay. He hasn't though which is all the more weird. Try asking him if he and his ex plan to get back together, if so say to him you don't want to be in this relationship which has no future; (it sounds depressing but it's the truth!) if the answer is no say to him he needs to sort this out (HE not you!) for the sake of your relationship. The key to a good relationship is good communication! Talk things out, see how he feels about it. Have you ever talked to his ex? Try scare her off by talking to her and saying things are doing well with you and him apart from the fact she's always stalking you. (it seems like that anyway) Hopefully she'll get the message and leave you alone but remember - TALK TO HIM! :)


Hope this helps! :)

QueenOfAmber

[fran1]

we do talk all the time and the marriage aws well and truly over before they split up. he slept in a separate room for months and moved out until she got somewhere else. she walked out with �100,000 from the sale of her previous house that another guy bought her. my partner was glad as this made him feel better. the more she has came about this week i feel better as she looks so miserable and very unattractive. surely if her new partner knows she is up next door to her ex everyday he can't think much of her as my boyfriend said if i did that he'd tell me to go and stay there. we don't speak to either of them and neither do any of the other neighbours, so my boyfriend thinks that she is just making a fool of herslf and he has told me he is much happier with me than he ever was with her..i am not going to hand over my power to these obnoxious sick creatures any longer but then this is a sunday and she doesn't appear at the weekend...bye for now!

[fran1]

i am not upset about her anymore and the reason is...i have had enough...i am an articulate and intelligent person with a gorgeous 16 year old daughter of whom i am very proud. emotions are complex and i was led to beleive i was lucky to have him, well i can assure you that at the very least he was kind to me and did do a lot for me but it worked both ways and i see him as the luckier party in this one. to put it bluntly the wife has a bigger set of balls than him and maybe that's what he goes for but i'm out of here. it will be sad but then it' not the person that falls down the most that fails it's the one who picks themselves up, dusts themselves down and starts anew. there are no failures in life, only lessons to be learnes and we practise each one until we get it right....thanks to all who replied..but if we look into ourselves deeply enough the resources and answers are always within our own hearts..

[TheShadow]

why make yourself sacrifice your happiness and his for the sake of two vindictive people. you must be affecting your daughter as well if you are having mood swings. if the guy is glad to be rid of her take him at his word and trust him. she is pathetic and i think that there are definitely mental health problems there with her and the neighbour. if your guy was so bad to her surely she'd want to keep away? are there alcohol related problems with this pair? it seems like it to me and if i were you i wouldn't get entangled in the web of a couple of sickos. it's easy for others to say but it must be hard. i'm glad i'm not the guy she seems to be taking to the cleaners just now, he must feel worse than you if he knows she's up beside 1 of her many exes and how must her children feel? they will eventually get fed up and either fall out with each other over a large drink or move on to another vulnerable person. stick in there and try not to moan about her too much because jealousy is a very unattractive quality in a woman...good luck