Possible depression - is it and what to do next?

[leecamowol]

I recently got diagnosed HIV+ on June 4th and even though I sort have knew I probably was, it hit me quite bad. I also have been in my new job since 30th March but I don't like it and he had started to get to the point of stressing me out (both at home and work) so the combination of the two has been so tramatic.

I took June 5th off work (sick) due to being very upset about my health news. I attempted to return to work on the Monday 8th but broke down and was allowed to go home (I told them what was up with me healthwise but they have no idea about my feelings about my job). On the advice of Occupational Health I requested a last minute holiday week which was accepted. By the end of this I had pretty much been reassured about my condition but it still felt heavy on me and the work issue too. The previous evening to returning to work date I had been so worked up I was stood on the edge of a motorway bridge as I felt I had enough and it was only after my partner and friends convinced to come home that I did. I attempted to return to work as planned the next day but just couldn't get there - I felt so sick, dizzy and panicked. So went home and my doctor gave me a sick note for two weeks "stress related".

Today should have been my return to work, I waited at the bus stop but just felt the same again and came home bursting into tears and leaving a blubbery answerphone message on my partner's phone. At this time I had laid out in front of me a packet of extra strong paracetamol mix tablets and really felt like taking them all.

[leecamowol]

I really don't know what to do now ... I've not contacted work to explain why I didn't turn up today as I don't know what to say. I hate every morning when I wake up, night while trying to sleep and other occasions thinking about hanging myself from the tree in the garden, taking an overdose, jumping off bridges etc. I hate feeling down and crap. I feel so bored yet feel like I don't want to do anything either. I hate randomly bursting into tears.

I didn't make an appointment to see the doctor yet as we just cannot afford to live on sick pay as I'm the main income. �80 compared to �300 isn't great.

I really don't know what to do - am I suffering something more severe than unhappiness or not? Is it worth risking being on the sick despite the financial consquences? My partner phoned to say see if you can get a doctors note and see how you feel. If you don't go to work you can get sick pay, if you do go then that's okay too we'll just have to work something out.

I have such conflicted feelings - I want to see the doctor in case I am "ill" but don't want to if it's gonna cost me income. But on the other hand if I feel the same tomorrow morning I won't end up going to work again!? Help! :(

[angel21]

If you are suicidal then that is definitely more than unhappiness - that is extremely depressed. Go back to doctors. Don't go to work, take some time off- get you're sick pay. You're health is more important.

[LFCFan5]

You have just been diagnosed with HIV, you will need time to adjust to this shock, are there any support groups you could attend, stay off work for a couple of weeks, your state of mind is more important than money, you will get by.

please see your doc, it sounds like you really dont want to kill yourself, its good that you are getting things off your chest. You will prob need councelling. Take care of yourself, it sounds like you have a good supportive partner. xx

[redcrx]

have you been given details of a counsellor following your diagnosis? You should call them and seek an immediate appointment.

[leecamowol]

Thanks for your responses.

I did see my HIV doctor yesterday as he gave me my test results back post-diagnosis and I came away feeling okay. My cell count and all other test came back pretty okay so there is was immediate concern/no medication etc so I'm surprised how I started feeling so bad again.

I don't know if contributing to the work situation is that I work in hospital (albeit in the back offices)?

[jake-the-peg]

For goodness sake don't even think about paracetamol

http://www.paracetamol-suicide.co.uk/

[CAJ1]

Sometimes when you receive bad news it takes a while to really sink in. I think you need to go and see your doctor and maybe arrange to see a cousellor. The others are right your health is much more important than work, even when you think you have no money you always make it through and manage. You might not need as much time off as you think, your doctor could prescribe anti-depressants which will help you cope and after a while you may feel you can manage again. Please get some help and don't do anything to yourself, think of how the others around you would feel x

[redcrx]

call the doctor and ask what counseller they can get you to see asap.

Theres always the samaritans as well if you start to feel that way. Make sure you call someone, friend, relative or helpline.

[yogi.bear]

Lee

Please take the advice already given here.....call your doctor asap and get to see a specialist consultant as soon as you can, to talk things that concern you , over.

Put the pills away and dont ever think that way again.

As red says there is always the samaritans there if you do need them, but first thing is to look after yourself and get the help you need.
still fresh in your mind and in time will be better for you to accept and move on.

I wish you all the best.

yogi

[Androcles]

But at a practical level, don't ignore the job! Even if you decide not to go back there, let them know, otherwise everytime you go for another job, the tag "unreliable" will turn up. Most organisations will cope provided you keep them in the loop, ignore them and why should they bother with you as you did not bother with them.

[BeatySwalls]

hey hiv is a matter close to my heart. im waiting for a result in nex month. how did you get it?

[BeatySwalls]

ps have you tride www.hivaidstribe.com there not many uk ppl but it ma be of help :)

[lil75]

Please dont think about suicide, I know somone that done it, an you wouldnt believe the heartache/questions and uncertainty it caused, still to this day and it was nearly 5 years ago!!!

You can get through this with help, you are not alone, you need to focus your mind x

[Ice.Maiden]

Leecamowol, the others are right here. Please don't think of suicide. The news is just sinking in and you're obviously feeling very depressed, but maybe this'll help you....
I was with a good friend of mine when he was diagnosed with HIV, so I understand how you're feeling - just as he did. Several years on, he's as fit and healthy as can be, with his condition controlled by drugs and diet, and a year ago he met his partner and they moved in together. With any luck, you can do exactly the same sweetheart. Many people who're HIV positive never go on to develop AIDS, so take a mind and body rest, and get your GP to not only prescribe some anti-depressants if necessary, but to take a break from work, even if it means loss of money. Depending on your job, you could probably leave on medical grounds and claim incapacity benefit or something in the long term, due to your stress over the condition.
It's also a good idea to have counselling - perhaps phone the Terrence Higgins Trust, who deal with not just gay people but anyone with the disease. Your hospital may also be able to put you in touch with group therapy, where you'd meet others in the same boat.
Your initial reaction's perfectly normal hun, and you'll probably have all sorts of mood swings, but don't think that this is the end and contemplate suicide. Your family, friends and counsellors/doctors'll help you to accept what you have, and with any luck you'll be able to lead a near-normal life. x

[lil123]

You need support FAST.
I have been at the lowest part of my life about 2 years ago.
Now my life is fantastic all by changing my attitude to one that was negative and full of fear, to one that is positive and full of excitement.
You need to get professional help fast then when your mind is more stable look at the options.
I was with women who had beat cancer the other day and were told they had days to live.
I can give you my email address if you want support and I think you have made a very positive step asking for help on here.