Is there any way to sort out this situation between my ex boyfriend and my boyfriend?

[Missyme1208]

Hey everyone,I'm Jess (i'm new here)
I have a 10 month old daughter with my ex boyfriend and, until recently, my ex boyfriend and i had a really good "friend " relationship and a great arrangement when it came to our daughter.
The thing is, things aren't so great now.
The reason being is that my ex boyfriend and my boyfriend refuse to even try to get along,and it's a problem that, no matter what i've tried, has just got bigger and bigger .
I've tried to keep them apart, and i have tried to speak to my ex boyfriend about this huge issue he has about my boyfriend spending time with my daughter. My boyfriend is great with my daughter,and he isn't a danger to her in any way, and i've told my ex boyfriend this, but it just seems to fall on deaf ears.
My ex boyfriend sees my daughter regularly, but now he's decided that it's not enough and wants to take me to court for joint custody, (he knows that there is absolutely NO WAY i'll agree to that).
My ex boyfriend and my boyfriend got into their second full on fight today and i really don't know what to do anymore,it's just a mess - and it's not fair on our child.
I have always got along with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend,so i don't know why he can't at least try to do the same.
I Just wondered if there was anyone on here who had been through anything similar,or if anyone had any tips on how to sort this out
I am so sorry for going on a bit.
Thankyou so much.
Jess

[sweetsleeps]

hi you are trying your best and sometimes it will take awhile to catch up and see what you are trying to do. your boyfriend is going to have to learn to step back when your ex gets a bit heated because in the long run if you ex did go to court you dont have to worry about him bring up a temper tht is realy only fueled by him. (if that makes sence) reasure your ex that he isnt trusting your judgement and you would never let anyone hurt your daughter but if and i mean a big if you ever did find yourself in a situation that he would be around to help. flip it around and let him know he will always be her dad and no one will take his place but you cant put your life on hold just because he doesnt like another man in his daughters life. he has moved on so why cant you????

[Schlomo78]

Hi Jess, sounds like he is jealous to me. The very fact that your daughter is so young would probably make any man worried that she will grow up thinking of your boyfriend as her daddy and not him. This isn't your fault at all, but I can understand you're stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place. The fighting is not good, at all, and perhaps when your ex is coming to get your daughter you could just ask your boyfriend to keep out of the way until he's gone, I know that sounds unfair on him, but one of them has to be the bigger man here, and your ex doesn't sound like he's going to be it. If he takes you for joint custody then the fighting is going to come up, and no Judge is going to like that. I really feel for you, and I don't know what else to suggest, I can imagine it's putting you in a very stressful situation. Your ex sounds pretty angry and jealous - maybe even of your boyfriend's relationship with you, you never know - and until you come up with a more permanent answer it's best jsut to keep them separate before they end up seriously injuring each other!!
Hope this helps, even a little!
Tc

[bednobs]

why would you not entertain "joint custody"? she is half "his" (in as much as children belong to people) so why shouldn't he look after her 1/2 the time? Wouldn't this be best for her?

[bobjugs12]

I agree with bednobs re Joint Residency. It gives your daughter equal access to both parents and can help settle the arguments.

With regards to the way your ex is feeling, I should imagine he's absolutely scared shitless that his little girl is gonna grow up thinking of someone else as Dad. I know I am. The best way to overcome this is to meet in a neutral enviroment; you, your ex, and both new partners; and figure out ground rules. Eg collections will only be Mum and Dad, partners clear out for the time it takes; any decisions will be discussed jointly; the only person your child can call Mummy is you, and Daddy is your ex; you will both listen to each others fears. Write down the ground rules, get all four of you to sign and each have a copy. Do it without anger or animosity, and try not to let emotions cloud judgement.

Hope this helps

[sweetsleeps]

do people actualy really understand how messed up kids can get with joint custordy!!!! my partner is a single parent like myself and his child has to go to her mums every wednesday night and every other weekend!!! because the judge says so and it is in black aqnd white just like a work contract its fine when they are little but as they get older the midweek stay over isnt helping what with school etc and this has to go on unless it is taken back to court untill the child is 16 years of age the arguments are unreal if anything like a family birthday etc falls on those days or weekends try and come up with something that suits you both

[Missyme1208]

Thankyou so much for replying, i really really appreciate it.
Everyone has been really really helpful.
I still don't think joint custody is the best thing for my daughter,she's so young, and the routine we have at the moment works well (apart from the situation with the guys) and i don't want to disrupt that right now. Luckily my ex boyfriend and i have come to an understanding about that for now
I do agree with the fact that it's best if my boyfriend isn't here when my daughter's father picks her up, and we've talked about that and that's how things have been this week - things have still felt kinda awkward so i'm thinking of speaking to my ex this weekend about maybe meeting him somewhere else when he picks her up instead of him coming here.
My boyfriend and my ex boyfriend still socialise in the same places ,but there is nothing i can do about that really. I've spoken to my boyfriend about it, and my ex boyfriend. What i said to my boyfriend was that he'd be out, and i told my daughter's father that i really would make spending time with her difficult for him,if things carried on the way they were. It may not have been the best way to handle things, but hopefully they will leave each other alone when they're out HOPEFULLY we'll see.
Again, thanks so much for your time and your advice.xx

[Schlomo78]

Yw, take care :)

[treborrobert]

well first of all he already has joint custody from the day the child was born .. new laws... and second .. he will never get on with your new boyfriend he will always see this man as a father figger to his daughter... you have to put him straight ..get over it or you will only see our daughter threw supervised visits.... he will not like that and it will give him time to think... so let him see his daughter but before he goes or when he brings her back tell him then so he will have a week to think about it you have to be strong and you have to go threw with it if he continues... he is stupid to fight at yours because he will loose everything because police and social service do not take violence lightly .. but please remember he is the childs father and he most realy love his daughter to hate your new boyfriend this deeply... mind you your new boyfriend should take a back seat and keep out of it and not be there when your xboyfriend turns up to wind him up !!