I've put this in family, although I'm not.....

[merciasounds]

An elderly neighbour of mine (he's 73) had a fall in his garden a few weeks back. I took him to hospital and they Xrayed him, said he'd broken his collarbone and dislocated his arm, (which popped back no problems) and had a few nasty bruises on his leg and knee, he grazed his cheek on one of the rough rockery stones. Anyway, He he was a bit shaken up so stayed with me and my hubby for 10 days in my spare room, and since he's gone back home, sees to himself, but he comes around to me most lunchtimes and he stays for dinner in the evening, (My insistance, he always laughs and says 'he won't argue with me') he's no bother, I love having him around. I take him shopping (before the accident, i have so since he became a widower early last year) (as I do another elderly neighbour) basically because if i'm going anyway, it's no trouble. I phoned his son when he fell, his attitude was kind of 'oh god, what now.. (I told him what had happened) he said, .i see, so he's basically okay i needn't come over because I'm very busy"
Anyway, he's turned up today , and told his father he ought to think about selling up and going into a home. This is out of the blue, he phoned once since he fell and has told his father he's having money worries over school fees. This is the crux of the matter i feel, money. He's not bothered about his father, when his mother died he turned up the evening before the funeral (around 9pm) and went to the airport directly from the cemetery - which I thought was appalling. - He had the cheek to say to me - 'I can't keep on having this, i can't drop everything and come running" I was so mad i said 'when did you do that then, sorry i missed it' - he went very red. Now the poor man is talking about going into a home even though he doesn't want to, he loves his home and his 'bit of independence' (he could cope quite adequatley without my help) his son is just thinking of the house being sold and the school fees being paid.

[ummmm]

So advise him not to sell yet....

[merciasounds]

I'm worried about the old guy now, it's shaken him up and he's all upset again, and he's son is gone back to Guernsey leaving his dad worried and thinking he's a burden to everyone and it's not the case - how can I convince him to stay put?

[redman41]

He is very lucky to have kind caring neighbours like you mercia but his son on the other hand is looking at his Bank balance and does not seem to care a great deal about his own Dad's welfare. It's unfair if undue pressure is being put on this elderly gent to go into a home as the son does not want the responsibility of caring for his dad from afar. Going into a home is a last resort as we all need our independence for as long as is possible.......

[Nosha123]

tell him he is a wise old man.. and whilst he can still look after himself - in his twighlight years.. he has the right to be where HE wants to be .. not where someone else wants him...

If an old man cannot be a little bit selfish... and do what he wants.. then when the hell can you be selfish??

He has looked after his family his whole life - and now they are grown up.. they should look after themselves....

If they choose to privately educate their kids - fine.. their decision... but not to come begging for money when they realise they can no longer afford it!

Tell him he's not a burden.... and shouldnt feel like he is.... and shouldnt be forced into doing anything he's not ready for whilst he still has his faculties

Poor man!

BTW - you do an amazing job of looking after him too! I salute you!!

[Davethedog]

I can't answer this better than anyone already has.

But Mercia you give me faith in human nature. You have a heart of gold and I wish you only happiness. I don't believe in god but I hope someone blesses you.

[merciasounds]

aw thanks, I don't do this for praise, I was nearly killed five years ago I was very lucky not to be decapitated, i sustained a broken back and a shattered pelvis - i feel lucky to be alive and this is my way trying to give something back - and to still be useful!!

[Nosha123]

blimey mercia.. you are putting us all to shame now!!!!

see if you can have a word with the old man.. and persuade him to enjoy his life in the home he shared with his wife - while he still can!

and dont feel shy about embarrassing the son again with some wise crack comment about his lack of care to his dad!!!

[mrs.chappie]

Mercia, are the Social Services involved? If this chap feels like he is being a burden on you (even though you don't think he is) he might feel happier with Social Services helping him at his own home.

[dothawkes31]

73 is not that old either, he should be able to draw that pension he's paid into for a good few years yet! Get him to feel confident in his home by you spending time there with him if you can, it's a confidence thing after the fall and then the son's pressure that are the issues.

[Greedyfly]

I would have a chat with the old guy. Tell him your thoughts and feelings. You obviously have a close relationship with him and I am sure he would appreciate the support from you. As for his family, I sure he knows what his son is up to really. If hes too busy to take the time to visit his father after and accident then hes obviously not a nice person and sees his father as too much trouble.

Speak to him tell him your concerns and offer your help, if he deteriorates then the question of whether to leave him in his home alone should come up. Alot of older people live quite happily on there own inc the odd fall and are of not danger to themselves.

You sound like a nice person Mercia, he is lucky to have you around. I am sure he will appreciate your honest views about the situation.

[merciasounds]

His house is fine, there were alot of alterations done eg, widening of doorways, big walk-in shower etc because his wife had been in a wheelchair for many years. But he can cook and the place is spotless - there's no need for social services to be involved.he comes around to me basically for company, alot of people seem to congregate at my house - i can have a dozen or so people in my kitchen by mid-day sometimes!!

[mrs.chappie]

Blimey, how big is your kitchen mercia?

[Greedyfly]

He sounds like hes doing fine and that is son is just being a pain in the backside. He has people around him looking out for him and knows he can visit you whenever he needs/wants too. I would just have a word with him and tell him your thoughts including the thoughts on his son.

I think he will be grateful to have someone on his side!

[bizzylizzy]

If the son really does have his father's welfare at heart, then why not suggest the house is sold and the money used to pay for a really swanky retirement home. I have a suspicion the son wants to take control of the cash though. He'll probably then find a really horrible cheap retirement home for his father to live out the rest of his days. I really do admire you Mercia, your concern and care does you credit. Mind you, when I think of what I do for my own mum and dad, the way this old chap's family treat him is shameful. I'd be careful though, the son sounds like a nasty bit of work and will probably start accusing you of wanting his father's cash. Isn't it awful how family's fall out over these things, it's usually money isn't it. The upshot is, it's your neighbour's money, not his sons, he doesn't owe the son anything and should be spending it on himself at this time in his life. Good luck, I hope it all works out well for you both.