Elderly neighbour (if youve got time to read it)

[TheOtherHalf]

We have a lovely elderly neighbour who lost her husband 2 years ago. Weve been friends for about 30 years. I used to help in the guest house they had, and when they sold up they moved into the house next door to us which was lovely. They always were a bit mean with money though but we laughed about it because they were such characters. Since her husband died, we ve helped out as much as possible, mowing the lawns, fetching and carrying shopping even though it was difficult at times as we both work full time but shes recently started making comments about how well off we must be with both working (even though we re definitely not !) but she is as she even thought about buying a small flat without having to sell her house and possibly renting it off. She asks me to fetch her milk every week which is a ton weight on top of my own shopping, just to save her about 30p per bottle. She doesnt have to carry it from the supermarket as she can get the Dial a Ride bus, but will not pay 30p extra to get her milk but has a coffee whilst waiting for the bus to pick her up and nicks a few milk portions and sugars.
We ve bitten our lip quite a few times as we didnt want to fall out with her but last weekend my hubby had a blow out with her whilst she was making these comments. Shes already lost one friend because off her forever thinking everyone else is better off than her and now my hubby and myself cant bring ourselves to even talk to her which is a shame. I dont know what to do about it as I see her around the garden much than he does. I want to make up but feel the problem will still be there.
I see if anyone has any suggestions before I go on anymore. Sorry for rambling so much

[Mamyalynne]

Regardless of her age, you just have to be honest, let's call her Mabel.

Mabel, we don't want to fall out as we have been friends for so long, but it can be very hurtful when you constantly comment on our potential wealth compared to yours. We work hard and have little to spare, but have always helped you when we could. If you cannot refrain from making these comments, we feel it's not possible to carry on helping as the tension is too great. Let us know what you feel about this and we will go from there.

This can be a card or spoken and see what response you get, if not favourable, leave it be. People should treasure good friends and neighbours, I know I do.

Good luck ♥

M

[merciasounds]

Unfortunately in this world there are some people, no matter what you do, it's never enough. I've got a feeling that she probably still thinks in the 'employer-worker' mode, so you fetching and carrying her milk is something you SHOULD do in her eyes. I think that she will soon come to realise that she will end up a very lonely old woman if she doesn't change her attitude. Perhaps you can just smile and pass the time of day when you see her again, and leave it at that, the balls in her court. If she asks you to fetch her milk again, just say, no, i'm sorry, i have too much to carry as it is, after all, you can get a free bus.

[ttfn]

imo I would explain to her that after 30 years friendship you wouldn't want money to become a bone of contention between you. Just because you both work hard that doesn't mean you are well off. Whilst you have been happy to help out in the past it might be better for her to get out a bit more for her own sake and to do some shopping as she can take advantage of the bus service.
Dependent on her response I would then see if you still want to mow her lawn etc for her. Presumably she has no other family nearby?

[TheOtherHalf]

Thanks both for your considerate comments. We are away this weekend so we will see how things are with her when we come back. We have said hello when Ive come back from work and shes been in the garden , but thats all. My hubby said he wont speak to her unless she apologises for making out his mother of 94 and very poorly must be well off too and what happened was her saying we will be well off when she goes as we will have 2 houses. We still have a mortgage on our house and her bungalow is only worth about 110grand

[ttfn]

Nothing quite like the pecuniary jealousy of the elderly toh. I think hubby should not hold his breath waiting for the apology

[TheOtherHalf]

thanks ttfn. We have mown her lawn every week and never once as she ever offered anything. She has 2 sons who hardly bother with her which is why she has always treated me as a daughter and is also getting jealous because I am now doing all my mother in laws washing as she cannot manage it now. Its all just getting on top of us I think

[Mamyalynne]

She sounds very bitter where money is concerned, there are a lot like that. If she was a relative I'd say bite your tongue, but she isn't, so you don't need to take it.

Some years ago I used to help a disabled neighbour and she would follow me round the house with her wheelchair in the back of my calves, criticising and I bit my tongue until the day I accidentally broke a little wine glass (not posh crystal or anything) she berated me and told me how precious it was to her, I left in floods of tears and weaned myself away. But still everyday she would mention it.

[ttfn]

What a shame mamya - ingratitude is not the payment for good deeds - as I am not as nice as you I would have punctured at least 1 of the tyres on her wheelchair (;-))

[TheOtherHalf]

Mamyalynne, I know what you mean. I used to do a few private cleaning jobs and had similar problems
ttfn I think thats funny about her wheelchair. Just picturing it in my mind "OO"

[ttfn]

Then if would look like "oO" she said deflatedly. Now you have mentioned 2 sons toh your post has an altogether different dimension. I reckon you would still be happy to try and clear the the air with her but at the end of the day you cannot teach an old dog new tricks so I think you can reconcile spending more time in your own garden. I don't know anyone who could continue to help out and still get negative responses that hurt. Good luck

[Helen352]

You have been so good to her and she has no right to treat you as she has been doing. However (and it's easy for me to say this as I'm not involved) I feel a little sorry for the old lady - she must be very lonely, particularly after her hubby died. I feel very anxious about the economy and how the new Government are behaving with pensions, child benefit, VAT etc (but that's a whole different thread!!), but at least we have an income. I could imagine that a pensioner who has come to the end of her earning days must be very worried (I know my elderly parents are), and perhaps this could explain some of her thinking.
if she is lonely (and she may well be if this is how she treats people) then she might have longer to stew on her situation. Do you know any older people you could introduce her to who might become friendly with her? Could you find out about local groups she could go to? Could you drop a card to her sons saying you're dropping thema caring note but their Mum is lonely and needs more input from them?

[Robinia]

I agree with lots of the comments you've had especially Eddie's about her not seeing things from your side. Following 3 particular events which hurt & I won't bore you with them, haha, I had to pull back from a neighbour who was becoming more & more demanding (and not only with me)... sometimes for your own sanity you have to do it even though you might feel guilty. I think some these old dears live in the past where money's concerned...

[TheOtherHalf]

Thanks Eddie and everyone. I have hinted to the sons (when they have visited) that she cannot do things herself and needs a bit of help shopping etc but they dont seem bothered. I think they know what shes like about spending money as they have got cross with her in the past moaning about how much she has to pay for a cleaner etc. If I see them soon I will perhaps mention something but the dont visit often. One lives about 10 miles away and the about 3o miles and theyre not easy people to talk to. I think they are just thinking about how much they will get when shes gone !

[ttfn]

Ah toh - at least the £ thing is hereditary!

[smudge]

Do you know T.O.H., I've only just tuned it & thought to myself 'I bet this woman has children who don't bother to visit very much' & I wasn't far wrong!

I've seen this happen so many times, when off springs' who live nearby don't bother very much with their elderly parents & the neighbours take over for them. Then when they pop off, they initially show sadness at losing them, but can't wait to get their hands on their pennies!

As others have suggested - I would mention the problems to her son/s, then take a back seat.

You have enought to contend with, with your full-time jobs, etc.

Good luck.

[joko]

why is she so concerned if someone has more money than her? so what if you have? you are likely to have if you both work

but what is her problem with it? is she just jealous? or does she expect you to pay for things for her? for pity?

i would just admit it, say yes we probably have got more money than you...so what?

turn the tables, point out her own wealth

[micmak]

We had an elderly neighbour in our street a couple of years ago. People in the street felt sorry for him. Women would take round dinners and do house jobs for him. He never had any visitors that I or anyone else saw. When he died the street had a collection to help pay for his funeral. Several weeks later we read in the local paper that he left nearly £2million to his son and daughter. The son lived 3 miles away, the daughter 5 miles away. We who lived in the street were quite upset, not about the money but the fact we had been conned.

[smudge]

Yep, that's exactly what I was talking about micmak! People like that don't want to help, but soon come crawling out of the woodwork where money's concerned! ;o\