Tough love or Tea and sympathy?

[cassa333]

I have a friend who is Very over weight. She has just found out she is heavier than even she thought (28st).

She has been on anti depresants for a number of months. She is only 22yrs old but very imature.

What is the general opinion on how to help her? Tough love or TLC?

[joeluke]

It's no good pussy footing around here.......28st is seriously and dangerously obese......she needs telling straight that she needs to lose at least half her current body weight......sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind, people can't always see what's in front of them until someone points it out to them

[askyourgran]

Very true joeluke, Her GP should be seriously worried about her and should have recommended something for her. But she will of course have to be actively doing something herself and attend whatever clinics etc he recommends. Tough love in this case, but in the end it's down to her.

[rowanwitch]

She should also challenge the BMI ruling as the recommendations are for a surgical intervention to be considered at a much lower threshold than that... She would find it difficult right now as she is depressed but perhaps you could find the information on the NICE website and help her write the letters... In the mean time because she has so much to lose small changes will make a big difference... She is very young to be in this position and it is unlikely she has got to this stage without some underlying reason....I think the earlier suggestion about psychological support from a professional is a really good one.... I put on over 9 stone and it took a lot of help before I realised I was 'trying to fill a hole with food that food was never going to fill. and it was only when I got my head round that I had any chance of making the changes I needed to...Firm but kind...and staying positive for her is the approach I would suggest

If she is very immature I also wonder if subconsciously her weight is a protection against dealing with 'adult' issues often things like relationships.. again the idea of professional counselling seems like the path to follow...And Hugs help too...when you are that big physical contact becomes a very precious thing... She's very lucky to have you as friend...

[ladyalex]

I'm with rowanwitch on this one. No one gets to be 28stone for no reason or just by eating the odd bar of chocolate.
Also, I doubt that she is unaware that she is seriously overweight, so 'telling her straight' that she has a problem is not likely to be particularly helpful.
The answer to her problem must ultimately come from within herself. She must decide to try to lose weight in whatever way she feels best for her...and/or ask for a referral to a psychologist/counsellor to work out her other issues. And she will have other issues.
Be her friend, be honest but tactfully so. Emphasise her good points and encourage her to make life changes in whatever way she wants to make them.
Tea and sympathy, but try to steer her towards change...after all, if she keeps on doing what she's doing, she's going to keep on getting what she's getting whether that is fatter and fatter or more and more miserable.
Good luck to you both, it's going to be a long road.

[wolf63]

I am about 20 stone and have been fat all my life. I don't eat a giant amount of food but I don't do much exercise either. It creeps up on you slowly over the years.

I have polycystic ovaries which caused an insulin 'problem' and this contributed to my weight.

Neither my family nor my friends have ever made me feel bad about my weight of have 'urged' me to lose it. They have made it clear that they like me whether I be fat or thin.

I have Bipolar disorder which has resulted in some horrendous periods of depression - this will make your friend feel worse about herself. She may feel worthless and unlovable. Depression saps your physical energy so it will be difficult for her to get active.

Support her and treat her as you always have, she is half my age and this is good. Ultimately the decision is hers - she has to want to diet. If she starts a diet help her stick to it by support and understanding but don't nag - my mother used to nag and that was counterproductive.

Good luck to both of you.

Susan