reactive depression Vs clinical depression that needs treatment

[bednobs]

hi, wonder if anyone can help please?
My daughter was born stillborn 8 weeks ago today. Obviously this has been a very emotionally up and down time for me and my husband. I still find myself crying every day and just feeling like everything i do is like wading through treacle. I can't help but still feel like it was all my fault, and there really dosen't seem any light at the end of the tunnel. For the first few weeks i wanted to join her every day, but no longer feel like that every day, in fact hardly ever. What i am wanting people's advice on is how long i should leave this feeling before doing something medically about it? i saw my gp for my post natal check this week and he discussed that i could start anti depressants and i did that little form/questionairre. However, it feels like i SHOULD be miserable and sad and that starting anti depressants would just be masking this natural bereavement feelings. What are people's feelings on how long i should leave it, or what indications should tell me i need to do something about it?
TIA

[alexanderd]

considering your recent questions this has got to be a joke of some sort

[bednobs]

what makes you say that alex?

[alexanderd]

you had a hip replacement today went into hospital for a week and are hosting a dinner party

[237SJ]

Oh dear Alex, I really don`t think this a joke. Foot in mouth? Bednobs, I`m no expert but I guess everyone is different. Eight weeks is early days for something so traumatic. Is there a society for people who have been through the same thing and can share thoughts/feelings? Maybe you can get some guidance from them

[anneasquith]

no expert bed. but what you are feeling re your daughter is perfectly normal. reactive depression , taking medication will not stop you feeling how you feel, the feeling of guilt i think is normal and i do think given time you will recover from this, in my opinion you have just describes reactive depression to a t. have you discussed your feelings with anyone else ? im assuming you are aware od SANDS, your grief is your grief, and all i can say is maybe in time you will start to feel a little bit better, aim for tomorrow only, and talk about your daughter at every opportunity. take care.

[anneasquith]

alex, i know you wouldnt hurt anyone intentionally. but i remember bednobs posting when she lost her daughter.

[alexanderd]

i am sorry if I jumped to the wrong conclusion just seemed strange when I checked previous posts,If i am wrong I apologise unreservedly of course

[bednobs]

i had a hip replacement two weeks ago, not today :) (4th October) if i'd had it today, i'd still be all morphined up (i wish!)

I was due to have the hip replacement before i found out i was pregnant, so had to postpone it. Then when Heather was born (19/august 2010), they made me a priority on the list because i wanted to try and do the surgery and recovery during maternity leave, rather than take more time off sick from work.
I am not a leper, and people are allowed to visit me (and luckily SOME of my friends still want to, unlike others of them) and hopefully i can feed them at the same time.
I am getting round the house on one crutch at the moment, so will still be able to cook I assure you it is not a joke

[radiogaga]

hi bednobs, the same happened to me in oct 28th 1999. i had a little boy. born asleep.
i fell to the bottom of bottles and was messed up for a few years, finally one day i got up and decided to be positive. i did not take anything from the dr.

its up to you, you could try the antidepressants, even just for a little while, see how it goes.
take care, radio. xx

[alexanderd]

OK bedknobs hands in the air from me you are very brave and under your circumstances I probably couldnt cope, please forgive me or give me a good kicking

[bednobs]

i have stopped going to the sands website because i just find other people's grief overwhelming sometimes - so many people hurting for the same sh!tty reason
mind you i feel extra miserable becaus ethe health visitor rang me yesterday to say "i hear you are having a baby soon and i need to arrange to come out afterwards". Bearing in mind this is the SAME health visitor that wrote to me six weeks ago to say "sorry to hear about your loss" i was gobsmacked that i had to explain to her that heather was stillborn. also the due date is coming up very soon and i still have to sort out the baby stuff we have, both of which i am dreading

[bednobs]

hey, don't worry, i wish all the time that it's some kind of huge cosmic joke and someone is going to say to me "here you can have your baby after all"

[boxtops]

Bednobs - eight weeks is not long, and you have been through double trauma with the op as well. You say yourself that you are beginning to feel less low, and so there is a lifting - it's going to take time, but we can see from your posts on here that all is not as cloudy as it was. You are being wise in recognising the difference between grief and misery, and clinical depression which can come from no apparently good reason at all. If I were you I would hang on in there a while longer - don't feel pressured into taking medication, but equally if you feel you need it, don't deny it to yourself if it will see you through some darker days. Mr Bed is with you and that means a lot, and you are living, you are seeing friends and getting out, so you are doing the right thing, even if you still mourn Heather in private. Don't be hard on yourself, don't expect too much from yourself in these relatively early days. Help is there as and when you feel you need it - did you join a help group as has been suggested? - it might be supportive just to talk to people in a similar situation. Wishing you well in every way ♥

[bednobs]

thanks boxy, i didn't join a help group, mainly owing to the fact that i am still hiding at home mostly (plus now can't drive for the next 5 weeks) Still terrified i'll see someone i know who dosen't know what happened and they'll see i'm not pregnant and ask me about it. As i said, the sands forum, while useful at the beginign just drags me downa bit - people saying things are getting worse for them, and even people who've been attempting suicide

[radiogaga]

yes that was the hardest part, your coming to terms yourself maybe feeling as if you can get your head around it, then when folk ask, you have to tell people, talking about it all over again, the health visitor needs a good slap,
this is a really tough time bednobs just take one day at a time. x

[anneasquith]

no bednobs , you dont have to do anything except think about tomorrow, the health visitor incident was awful, but a health visitor could be someone who would be of assistance to you, because there is someone in your local area who knows exactly how you feel. and if it means you both sit in a cafe have a coffee and cry for 2 hours thats fine,the interesting words in your posts are you should . am trying to say though not very well . is 8 weeks after losing heather is nothing, ps. you are still a nippy sweetie when you answer abers questions. lol

[bednobs]

yikes, what is a nippy sweetie??

[boxtops]

Anne - the Scotsman I live with says that a nippie sweetie is a small whisky chaser....

[China Doll]

How do you feel in terms of thinking about working and socialising again etc? Basically 'normal' life... Does that still seem like a massive hurdle to you? I imagine that's the aim of the treatment.

I think what you're feeling right now all sounds pretty normal to me in terms of what has happened to you and I wonder if talking about it might help. Have you heard of CRUISE? (I think I've spelt that wrong). They're for berement counselling, my mum worked for them and they're good. I wonder if that might be better than drugs in this instance? Only because I wonder why the drugs, I think how you're feeling is natural and you have to go through it so to speak. I think drugs would be useful possibly further down the line when you feel like going back to work etc and if you hit a stumbling block to that... Right now, i think you should just feel what you feel. The fact that you don't feel like joining your daughter everyday when at first you did shows that you are dealing with it step by step in what seems a fairly healthy manner (to me at any rate).

[bednobs]

strangely i think i would probably feel better if i went back to work, however, i am going to try and get the knee replacement done in mat leave too as ive previously had so much sick time off.
i can at least answer the phone now (couldn't for the first six weeks) and i met my friend who had a baby about 2 weeks before me the other day. couldn't go as far as to hold him though