Passing on sad news

[TheOtherHalf]

My husbands uncle died this morning. He was 86. Although not well these last few weeks it was still quite sudden and a shock. The problem is now, we have to tell my MIL(his sister), the only remaining sibling who is nearly 95. She has recently had to go into a home and is already very unhappy and depressed and we just dont know the best way to tell her tonight. It will probably kill her off. Not looking forward to it at all.

[albaqwerty]

TOH I'm sorry for your loss.

It's never an easy thinig to pass on such news.

[tiggerblue10]

Sorry about your loss TOH xxx

[rowanwitch]

You might be surprised...... I am often amazed at how well elderly relatives deal with death...I think sometimes they take a strange pride in outliving their peers even when they are terribly sad. at having done so but regardlless I am sorry for your loss now matter how old they are it's nearly always too soon.

[Old_Geezer]

Sorry to hear you have such a tsk ahead of you. I think it is probably best to simply do the usual, please sit down, we have some bad news, opening. That is assuming the older sister is capable of taking in the news, but you seem to suggest her mental facilities are fine. Was that not the case there would be an argument for not upsetting her be volunteering unfortunate news. I know someone who reminded a relation that her son had died years ago and they didn't take it well at all, would have been much better to not remind them and let them go on thinking the son hadn't visited for a while. Unfortunate timing though if she is already feeling down. Best of luck to you.

[BetteK]

Am thinking of you.

[4getmenot]

i remember my mum telling my aunty my nan had died. Aunty was in home, day after she told her my aunty was asking where she was so in the end was best to just make up excuses to why she wasnt there. Unless he visited her alot i wouldnt tell her if she's not of normal mind.

[NOX]

More pertinantly is there anything that can e done to alleviate her stress and unhappiness with her surroundings? I think 4get has a point. whilst she has every right to know and to attend the funeral etc, if she can't grasp the concept or attend anyway then don't tell her, but see what you can do to alleviate the way she's feeling, because she must be in a very frightened nad distressed situation having to give up her independence ( please don't take that as being judgemental, it's really not meant that way, I just can't think of a better way of phrasing it).

[slinky.kate]

so sorry to hear of your loss.

[TheOtherHalf]

Thanks all for your comments and good wishes. Theres no way she can attend the funeral. Shes too frail and partly incontinent and its a long journey about 60 miles and then back again. No way we would be able to keep stopping on the way. I think she will probable be more upset about not being at the funeral than that he had died as lots of family younger members of the family will be there as all the older ones apart from her have now gone. We are the new older generation ( at 60 !! )

Thanks again everyone xx

[Bobbisox]

I echo the sentiments of everyone else T.O.H

[daffy654]

One of my uncles died yesterday, my sister thought it was a good idea to inform me of this via facebook.

Sorry for your loss TOH.

[Old_Geezer]

Well at least she didn't add LOL mistakingly thinking it meant "lots of love". Unsure if it is an urban legend, but I've heard that sort of thing's happen.

[missmuppet]

Sorry about your loss - don't do what my mum did when my dad died suddenly aged 65. She left me a voicemail message saying "your dad died this morning can you come to the hospital" and then put the phone down!

Best thing to do really is just be gentle when you're telling her. sorry again for your loss

[Paul22118]

Having had to do this many times in the past I always found the best way was the graduated approach.
You know so and so has not been very good lately.
I am afraid I have some bad news.
I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Pause for the obvious response.
Yes I am sorry but they have passed away - peacefully, suddenly, expectedly or whatever is appropriate for that persons demise.
Don't drag it out but prepare the brain for the onslaught that is inevitable.
Hope this helps you (and others)

[lujay1981]

so sad take care and sorry 4 ur loss

[joko]

was he a regualr visitor or messager to her? is she likely to 'notice' hes not around?
if you think she is pretty much on her last legs and only has weeks or months left maybe you just shouldnt tell her...
why make her last time alive miserable?
might sound odd but cruel to be kind maybe?
what purpose would it serve other than to upset her?... and also possibly make even sharper the reality and fear of her own impending death...

perhaps speak to her carers they may be able to know how she is likely to take this.
they have probably seen it before

[Clarissa9]

So sorry. these things are never easy. The advice you have already been given is all good. I agree with those who say dont tell her if you think you can get away with it, especially as you say she is depressed. I am nearly in this age group myself, and we often have a better acceptance of deat than younger people, Good luck.

[TheOtherHalf]

Thank you all for your answers. Sorry to hear of your sad news too daffy.

As everyone has said, she took it very well, accepting hes not been well for a while ( a few months , not as bad her she is )

She is on her last legs too now. Getting worse each day really,
Funeral is on Tuesday but we havnt mentioned the subject since as neither has she.