Shyness - Is this inherited and in your genes?

[Suzannew]

As a child I was painfully shy and lacked self confidence.  This has never really changed and in adulthood I am not extrovert and have low self-esteem.  There are certain situations where I have to force myself to do things because I am not naturally assertive.  I have twin daughters aged 13 and I did everything I could when they were small to try and make them socialable, outgoing and confident girls but I can see that they are going to be just like me.  They are quiet, not particularly outgoing and shy.  They do have friends but are always happy to take the back seat.  Friends who I have who are loud and extrovert have gone on to have confident children.  I really believe shyness is inherited?  Anyone else experience the same.  (my husband is fairly quiet too)

[RevShirls]

Suzannew, are your daughters quietly confident or would you say that they are lacking in confidence. I have many friends who would describe themselves as shy but they don't lack in confidence. They are all, quietly confident - and sometimes this is often far more attractive and appealing than an "in your face" manner all the time. It probably doesn't answer your question. Low self-esteem can be due to many factors - some from childhood, others from life-experiences - but I'm not sure about the genetic side of it. Perhaps we pass some of our own traits to our children (not genetically but by what they observe and learn from us)

Is there anything you can think of that caused your own feeling of low self-esteem? I think it's important to have a good sense of self-worth.

[stevie21]

I think that shyness is largely learned. People tend to come out of their shells when they get a bit more practice of socialising.

[FP]

Susannew, I was a quiet child.  I have grown in confidence over the years and although now appear very outward and sometimes quite loud, I am basically still very insecure.  My husband is extremely quiet and very confident.

My son is extremely confident, not in the least shy, but like his father he is extremely quiet and he always took the back seat at school. 

My son spent most of his formative years in my company but is almost a carbon copy of his dad.  Yes, I think genetics play a great part in our characters. 

[JOEYSHABADO]

I am a talented, ambitious, skilled, outgoing, friendly, warm loving individual, with no natural shyness at all and the highest self esteem. I am capable of the greatest things (by virtue of the fact that I am a human being) and will throw myself into the most ambitious pursuits.

Pity I had a dad that wanted to throw cold water on it all through condescention and spite.

Until I realized that I couldn't hijack the knawing cancer inside me which told me I was incapable.

**** shyness. I don't want to get trampled by the mob.

[sunflower68]

Joey that's great but I believe suz is trying to say that, whatever we do as parents, kids will become, to a certain extent, a little like their parents. I agree with your point entirely suz.  I was terribly shy; people don't believe me when I say that I still am. I hid it as well as I could from adolescence onwards and have done just fine in life.

I have two kids and knew when they were about one that they would be just like I was.  I like to think I have helped them along the way and that if I hadn't given them the 'shoves' in life to get them beyond situations, they would be much much more introverted.  That, I believe is something inherited.  I know just what you mean Suzanne. x

[Suzannew]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Revshirls - no there isn't really anything to cause my low self-esteem, I had a happy childhood and two lovely brothers.  I have tried so hard not to pass on any of my own traits to my daughters and have always given them the impression I was a confident and outgoing person.

In a pickle - I don't wish for a complete change they are lovely girls, never get into trouble, and we are very close.  I understand what you are saying though.

Sunflower - I think you understand me a little more. What doesn't help is the fact that they are identical twins which is another issue I could talk about.  Having each other to rely on and lean on means they don't face many situations on their own and this may slow down the confidence building.  You could say well split them up more - fact is they don't want to be.

[Octavius]

I believe it can be inherited partly, maybe by example.

I come from a family of 5, the 3 eldest are outgoing, loud, sociable and like to be the centre of attention at parties etc.  Me and my next sibling are the reserved quiet ones who are the listeners rather than the talkers, with better career success, and few but good friends.

My mum and dad are/were very quiet and calm people so I don't think it is totally down to upbringing.    

[cullum]

My son is shy  and likes to take a back seat, but as his teacher said to me at school, not eveyone can be outgoing and confident - the world would be a mess if we all where.  Following these comment from his teacher I realised that it's better to let Mike be Mike, he's not bothered by it and I love him just the same, as I am sure you do your twins.  Personality is personality, we can't all be the same.

[Dagman]

A shy friend of mine once said that the more extrovert people around him provide him with entertainment and amusement and he's a pretty happy guy. I sometimes heed his message and he has a point!

[stevie21]

No-one's (thankfully) claimed this so far but to argue that shyness is *largely* hereditary or genetic would drive me potty and go back to one of my pet hates : people don't like to take resposibility for certain things in their lives... The blame culture in our society!

Having watched "Faking It" where a shy priest becomes a convincingly mental care salesman or a quiet Morris Dancing teenage girl shakes her a$$ on stage with Jamelia as a modern dancer (and later moves to the city and seeks a career in it!) I'm fairly confiden that although certain parts of your personality endure from childhood - a lot of it can be suppressed. It's there but just not being expressed. People can learn that they don't feel stupid when they sing in front of others or give a presentation in work and thus come out of their shell.

Just to note - my opinion on personality is gleaned from my Psychology degree and not from watching Faking It! haha
Certain traits such as "aggression" are believed to have a strong genetic influence (enduring differences are shown at an age before much social learning can occur) but even this can be suppressed later in life by social norms :
"No it's not OK to smash the house up when you're angry. Go play with your stress ball"

[Suzannew]

Thank you all for your comments - the latter ones have given me food for thought and have been very helpful.

A lot of what you all have to say is very true.  I will try not to worry anymore.  Cheers.

[LordyGeordie]

I don't think shyness is heridetary. having a quiet nature could be hereditary but this is something different to shyness.

shyness is where you are insecure and is a product of nurture tather than nature.

you say your children seem to take the back seat with their friends. presumably you have noticed this by watching how they interact with friends when you are around. it could be that they are very differnt people when you aren't around.

13's a funny age. I remember when I was 13 when my mother was with me and my friends i was subdued and quiet as i didn't want my  parents finding out what i talked about. conversely my friends seemed to delight in being more boisterous and embarrasssing me.

as you say they are twins and it could be that they are very happy in each other's company. i'm not saying you do, but trying to push them into situations where they aren't comfortable can damge their esteem as they feel they aren't doing things and this can lead to shyness.

whatever you do don't try and push them into things in front of their friends. this is breaking rule number 1 in a 13 year old's world!

[MissCommando]

I would class myself as shy, but a lot of people say that I am not.  When I was a child, if someone used to talk to my mum in the supermarket, I would hide behind her - I was always the quietest in school, all the way through until I left.  I have no confidence, always need reassuring. . but my main problem is that I am so self-conscious.  I think I shyness and self-consciousness are easily confused.  My mum has never been a confident person at all, so I'm just like her.  On the otherhand, my little sister is not shy in the slightest! 

[ENX]

I am the third in a family of four sisters and find that shyness does run in the family.  My parents are quite reserved people but as they grew older they realised that they had to change in order to advance in life.  Same goes for my older sister who was painfully shy and quiet.  Only one of my sisters is loud and outgoing and compared to my eldest sisters she has a more sucessful career.  Me and my younger sister are very quiet and feel pressurised into being more assertive by teachers and our parents but feel very uncomfortable with this.  We would consider ourselves quietly confident but our weakness is worrying about waht other people think.

Will we become more outgoing as we grow older and leave school as we don't want to be remembered as the  'quiet ones' for the rest of our lives?  

[Maggie-Mae]

SuzanneW - in my experience confidence is often gained with age.  When I was young my parents didnt socialise very much and I didnt have a lot of contact with people outside of my family and as I got older, I found that I had not learnt or gained a lot of social skills because of that.  However, my shyness has decreased over time but I will never be an extrovert. I have three children and like you I have tried to socialise them from an early age to try and stop them being so shy as I was, my eldest (13) is quite shy, my middle child (11) makes friends very easily and my little one (3) is also very friendly.  With all my children, I just try to boost their confidence as much as I can, by praising them where possible and making them feel good about themselves.  My eldest does have a similar personality to me but I believe he will gain his confidence as he gets older as Im sure your daughters will. All I would say to you is, as long as your children are happy then dont worry too much, they have friends and obviously two loving parents, which is all any child needs.  The world is a scary place when your young (even when your older) and all you can do is guide them, you cant make them into something their not - they will find their way.

[Naughtycat]

Hi Suzannew.  I'm new here.  I'm quite a shy person - I think it's in all of us to be fair.  Are you still shy and have low self esteem?  You obviously find it diffucult to 'blow your own trumpet'.  I don't think shyness is inherited - it is something we learn.  Everything we do is learned from parents, friends, Uncles, Auntie's etc.  There are lots of things I could say - they sound quite daft - but - it works for me!  Let me know how you are.

[lifelearner]

I would first of all like to point out: what the hell is wrong with being shy??? what is so wrong about excepting yourself for who you are? And realize that it is that dislike of yourself , and therefore wanting to change (when your spirit has already confirmed who you are), that creates insecurities and self doubts.

You can be shy and feel secure, likewise you can be loud and insecure. Teach your children to be comfortable about themselves from WITHIN. From there it will not matter how they come across to others, but how they feel about themselves becomes important.

The western world is so worked up on how you APPEAR to others, shyness (for some odd reason) is seen as weakness, when I find that the most quietest of people ( not necessarily shy) are the most interesting people of all. The western world is fixated on loudness= confidence. ohhhh pllleeassee!

Gain an understanding of yourself, not how you would like to come across to others. I am not loud and can be quiet at times, wouldn't say I'm shy, but more self- assured. Not allowing others to waver my thoughts, opinions and actions gives me my self- confidence.

Hope this all helps.

[suz-r]

Suzannew,

I consider myself quiet and reserved while others say I am shy. It annoys me when they say that because they are insinuating that I am incompetent or insecure. Neither are true. I agree with lifelearner; shyness is not a character flaw. remember that the next time you see an extrovert and wished he would be quiet.

like your twins I was painfully shy as a child, but grew out of it somewhat as I got older. Never refer to them as being shy in front of other people because then they will believe there is something wrong with them. 

another benefit of being shy is you never put your foot in your mouth because you always think before you speak. 

[lifelearner]

Too right Suz-R, liked the last sentence.

Perhaps we should talk about the benefits of being so-called 'shy'.

1. talk less, think more, more able to read people and situations as a result??