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How do i put it without upsetting
28 Answers
Right. I'm the president of my Rotaract club and we have a yearly "charter meal". Part of this not very formal formality is a speech I will have to make (but i'd prefer to hide under the table) and giving a trophy to the "rotaractor of the year": the person that I believe has contributed most to the club and/or has developed personally in the club (usually club activity merits are considered).
So I have my candidate for this year. A nice young lady who was very quite when I joined the club and who not only has put a lot into the club (2 years as secretary and increased participation) has also become a lot more talkative and yes in conjuntion participated more actively in things. (we actually got her to dress up for a fancy dress party - unheard of). she still has some road to do (we get on well and I have asked her out - yes a small complication for my role - but she has declined and i fear more out of shyness than not liking me).
Obviously I can state her dedication to the club and record attendance but i would like to mention the fact that she has "come out of her shell" (personal development) a lot without being condescending or scaring her back into her shell so to speak.
So how exactly should I put it ? I'm not good at being diplomatic, but would like to say something in recognition of all of her contribution and achievement in the club
So I have my candidate for this year. A nice young lady who was very quite when I joined the club and who not only has put a lot into the club (2 years as secretary and increased participation) has also become a lot more talkative and yes in conjuntion participated more actively in things. (we actually got her to dress up for a fancy dress party - unheard of). she still has some road to do (we get on well and I have asked her out - yes a small complication for my role - but she has declined and i fear more out of shyness than not liking me).
Obviously I can state her dedication to the club and record attendance but i would like to mention the fact that she has "come out of her shell" (personal development) a lot without being condescending or scaring her back into her shell so to speak.
So how exactly should I put it ? I'm not good at being diplomatic, but would like to say something in recognition of all of her contribution and achievement in the club
Answers
Good choice and how considerate of you to seek the most appropriate words.
I like Den's suggestion about how she's grown in confidence over the past year and maybe say how pleased you and the other members are that she's taking part in more of the activities.
I like Den's suggestion about how she's grown in confidence over the past year and maybe say how pleased you and the other members are that she's taking part in more of the activities.
15:42 Sat 30th Apr 2011
Thunderchild - what a nice opportunity for you to pay homage to such a developing person within your club. I would grasp the opportunity to write a school report for her. This would enable you to read short anecdotes against her list of attributes and allow you to closely follow your script from above the table. There would be no need to enter into any great length if that would save the young lady any undue stress. The 'classroom' analogy would show that she is one of many doing a wonderful job, but could encapsulate her development nicely. I have done some public speaking and always find that humour is a good panacea of nerves and/or embarrassment ☺
yes den's suggestion is a good one, As i have been president for 2 years running (and did mention her contributions last year as a second choice for the trophy and thanked her then) I can mention the last two years.
And yes maidup I'm trying to be considerate as I really want to praise her but don't want it to go the wrong way or embarrass her (I am on the right side on that one as I used to quite myself) and I'm not always good at wording things like this particularly as I really like her and still have hopes ;) On those grounds i want to make sure that what I'm saying does sound like it is being said by the club president to his secretary and fellow member and not sound like me trying to make a fuss of her because i like her.
And yes maidup I'm trying to be considerate as I really want to praise her but don't want it to go the wrong way or embarrass her (I am on the right side on that one as I used to quite myself) and I'm not always good at wording things like this particularly as I really like her and still have hopes ;) On those grounds i want to make sure that what I'm saying does sound like it is being said by the club president to his secretary and fellow member and not sound like me trying to make a fuss of her because i like her.
@jemisa yes but I've watched her grow from what she was and so I can't say I've known her for a long time when she was quite closed. Essentially she started to change after a certain member stopped attending (maybe totally unrelated but she used to annoy me a bit and I was always worried i was "doing things right"), then she lost her job and moved workplace that i think really was the turning point for her.
trouble is everything you say will be heard with double meanings, because they all know you like her...you could end up sounding like you are trying to use your position to woo her... which you are...
id say as little as possible...and keep it formal...and remember your opinion and perception of her is not necessarily the same as other due to your feelings
id say as little as possible...and keep it formal...and remember your opinion and perception of her is not necessarily the same as other due to your feelings
well the others (and there are only another 5 of them) are not aware of my liking her but for my sister who has not talked of it. My intention is to keep it relatively formal (as a club we and particularly her don't "do" formal).
I do genuinely want to recognize her achievements but not embarrass her or send her the other way, and i certainly don't want to be condescending or act superior, i'm not there to judge but have to genuinely say that she has made the efforts required of her position (unlike others) and has always been there particularly in coming out to fund raisng events far more than others.
On the personal side other the last two years an in particular the last year she has become much more vocal and participated more in meetings and just in general chatter when we go out socially. When i met her she would speak only when spoken too, hardly voice an opinion (and she is the most experienced of the club) and would often leave before the rest of us whereas now we all leave together (and she gives lifts) so she is certainly interacting more with all club members and getting more out of something that her mum got her into to help her make friends.
Now i don't want to get up and make a full psychological analysis (as above) but just say something in recognition of her "progress" as well as dedication if it is possible to do that without saying the wrong thing.
I had asked her out often and after a year bit the bullet and sent her a valentines day card. She arranged to meet me to "talk" and just said that she was not interested (and asked me if that was all right bless her). I said that was fine as it was up to her, I'm a reasonable person although we do get on and I know full well that she is what I think is called a "late bloomer" so I'm quite certain it was more out of shyness. Over the last year I have not asked her out although have matched her increased interactio
I do genuinely want to recognize her achievements but not embarrass her or send her the other way, and i certainly don't want to be condescending or act superior, i'm not there to judge but have to genuinely say that she has made the efforts required of her position (unlike others) and has always been there particularly in coming out to fund raisng events far more than others.
On the personal side other the last two years an in particular the last year she has become much more vocal and participated more in meetings and just in general chatter when we go out socially. When i met her she would speak only when spoken too, hardly voice an opinion (and she is the most experienced of the club) and would often leave before the rest of us whereas now we all leave together (and she gives lifts) so she is certainly interacting more with all club members and getting more out of something that her mum got her into to help her make friends.
Now i don't want to get up and make a full psychological analysis (as above) but just say something in recognition of her "progress" as well as dedication if it is possible to do that without saying the wrong thing.
I had asked her out often and after a year bit the bullet and sent her a valentines day card. She arranged to meet me to "talk" and just said that she was not interested (and asked me if that was all right bless her). I said that was fine as it was up to her, I'm a reasonable person although we do get on and I know full well that she is what I think is called a "late bloomer" so I'm quite certain it was more out of shyness. Over the last year I have not asked her out although have matched her increased interactio
Thunderchild, this is very considerate. May I ask, how old is this young lady? You speak of "late bloomer" as if she's not quite so young.
If I were you I would not be over-personal, to say how she's grown in confidence is more like the sort of comment you would make at a personal appraisal - I would say more something about how much "her contribution to the Rotarians has increased so much in recent months and she is a valued and outgoing member of the club, with all her talents coming to the fore" - or something like that. That doesn't acknowledge that she was not outgoing before, but does allow you to say how much you appreciated what she does for the club. How does that sound?
If I were you I would not be over-personal, to say how she's grown in confidence is more like the sort of comment you would make at a personal appraisal - I would say more something about how much "her contribution to the Rotarians has increased so much in recent months and she is a valued and outgoing member of the club, with all her talents coming to the fore" - or something like that. That doesn't acknowledge that she was not outgoing before, but does allow you to say how much you appreciated what she does for the club. How does that sound?
damn thing truncated my answer... I was saying
I've been able to interact with her more as she has interacted more with the club - I can phone her up and have a conversation and sometimes that has lasted over an hour. I know she is a determined person and have never tried to push her into things although I have tried to get her into more things involving the club - unlike our Rotary liaison officer (Rotaract is a spin off from Rotary) I've not kept suggesting she be president as i know pushing too soon just won't help her or the club.
I've been able to interact with her more as she has interacted more with the club - I can phone her up and have a conversation and sometimes that has lasted over an hour. I know she is a determined person and have never tried to push her into things although I have tried to get her into more things involving the club - unlike our Rotary liaison officer (Rotaract is a spin off from Rotary) I've not kept suggesting she be president as i know pushing too soon just won't help her or the club.
boxtops - She is 25 (obviously I don't know for certain but i think I'd be hitting the nail on the head in saying she has probably never had a boyfriend let alone done anything else with boys) I myself was quiet when younger although I'm 2.5 years older and have not done a lot in life socially either.
she is stuck around her parents alot as she lives at home although has mentioned getting her own place and I think feels she has to put them first and would go out somewhere with them rather than us if it were the same place (occurred twice so far)
she is stuck around her parents alot as she lives at home although has mentioned getting her own place and I think feels she has to put them first and would go out somewhere with them rather than us if it were the same place (occurred twice so far)
Thunderchild - I would keep very impersonal then, she sounds like she's grown in confidence but is family-orientated rather than a socialite. She's still quite young. Keep to it something like I or cowtipper have suggested, play up her organisational skills etc if you must but don't make it personal. Think of the club as a social/business arrangement, you are her boss in this - if it were someone in my team at work, I would adopt this sort of tactic. Personal comments about self-development are reserved for 1;1s.
