Grandparent - What would you Say?

[lylabellablueyes]

Hi Guys,

I have a 2.3 year old daughter.

My partners mum (Her Gran) has never really bothered with her all that much. I know she loves her, but not enough to make the effort.

She pops over when she feels like it, which is usually on passing the house and only stops for an hour maybe once a month. This doesn't bother me really as she has lots of people in her life that love her and so she's not really missing out. It would be nice if she had a strong relationship with her, but that will never be the case.

The part that bothers me is, the gran is always saying that she will take my daughter out for the day and then lets her down with really daft excuses. She has done this about 3 times in the last 2 months. What if my daughter was big enough to know granny was always letting her down? It's not like she sees her alot is it?

I'd like to stop this before she is too big to notice. Also, everytime gran comes to the house, she's like 'oh she's grown so big, aren't i missing out' etc.. Then she'll go on about how she's taken the neighbours son to the park etc..

I know it's none of my business what she does in her spare time, but it bugs me how she thinks she can pick up and drop my daughter as she feels. She has asked me if she can take her to the park on Friday, but why should i? She doesn't work and has loads of time on her hands, and the best part is she only lives a ten minute drive away, so to me there is no excuse for this lack of interest.

What would you do?

[redcrx]

has your partner not said anything to his mother?

[lylabellablueyes]

Hi redcrx - We have had problems like this since my daughter was born. He does say things, but his mother just causes friction.

She's a bit of a drama queen and nothing is straight forward with her.
Wer argue about it now as i think he's sick of hearing it to be honest now. He thinks I should just let her take her to keep the peace..

So his mum can be an ar$e all she wants and i have to put up with it. I think not.

I have another baby due and so just want all this sorting out. I just don't know how to go about it without looking petty. She's clever at turning things around you see.

[jamesnan]

Perhaps you should say that you will go out with them, and then if gran lets her down at least you can say that you are both going out anyway. Difficult situation which you obviously dont want to make worse, but your partner should say something anyway about how she will soon be at school and there will not be as much free time as at the present.

[lylabellablueyes]

Thanks for both answers.

I know there are ways around this, but i'd rather say something and get it out into the open. I don't want to worry everytime she asks to take her somewhere. How can I broach it?

[LoftyLottie]

I would let her take your daughter to the park. I would tell her that it is important for your daughter that she isn't let down again because she gets upset. Be frank with her. Saying 'no' achieves nothing except aggravation and bad feelings. Perhaps she isn't really a gran that wants to have loads of contact, you can't force it. But she should keep her word for your daughter's sake, and also for yours. If she has expressed an interest in taking her to the park then she doesn't have a lack of interest.


Don't make a big thing of it. Just be honest.

[Ric.ror]

My Mother has a saying 'Least said soonest mended'

[lylabellablueyes]

Yes, i think you're right.. I will be subtle and say something.. Shall i wait till the day or call before. What do i say?

As if she does turn up for her, then i won't really know how to broach it...

[LoftyLottie]

The issue really is about letting the child down, not about how much contact the grandmother has with her. Some grandparents just don't want loads of contact and they are under no obligation.

[LoftyLottie]

Call her the day before and ask her if she is still coming on Friday to take your daughter out. Make light of it and say that you are phoning because obviously your daughter is looking forward to it and you don't want her let down again.

Quite honestly though if she has loads of time on her hands it's up to her what she does with it. As long as she sticks to her word, even if she only takes your daughter out occasionally, there shouldn't be a problem.

Good luck.

[lylabellablueyes]

Hi

I have said that i don't mind when she sees her, as its up to her what she does with her time.

It just bugs me that she expects me to drop everything when she requests to take my daughter out. And again, when she lets her down.

Many thanks for the answers

[jackthehat]

Arrange with you MiL to collect your daughter to take to the park at a specific time.
Tell your daughter that YOU will be taking her to the park.
If MiL cancels, your daughter doesn't have to know......you can still take her to the park.
But then follow triggs advice^.
If she doesn't cancel, then your daughter gets her trip to the park, in any case....

[joko]

i woudl just not tell your daughter about it - let it be a surprise when nan turns up, that way shes not disappointed...

but also i would just make it clear to the nan that you wont have her being upset

she maybe doesnt realise its any problem, and is just the sort to get on an do stuff as it comes ...

[bednobs]

maternity allowance is different from SMP. However - im sorry i dont know your answer

[bednobs]

sorry, wrong q

[coli05anna00]

I would suggest your partner take your child out to the park while you have a visit to grans. sit down with her and tell her your concerns and how worried you are about the affects all this is having on your child. the more you keep your feelings to yourself the more it will eat away at you until you explode at her, at least having a chat one to one with her calmly will allow you both to understand why she thinks its o.k to keep letting her grandaughter down.

[starone]

You might be glad of someone to take her to the park when you get your new baby. I would be inclined to let her take her now and then. At least she has offered.

[feona]

Talk about this to your mum and see what's her answer or expressions and if any time you feel *** she is not much interested and just say it so as to make your daughter smile for a while and wait for long then do make it clear to your mom that you can't handle this anymore as its about your child and you don't want her to realize that she (her granny) doesn't really care about her as this depresses her a lot.

[smoochiegal]

you speak to her or get your partner to. Maybe she is waiting for you to invite her over more etc. I wouldn't be happy with my child being let down. You should say to her that it isn't a good start to them spending time together and in future if she wants to take your daughter out etc she will keep it private between you and her so if she doesn't turn up, your little one isn't let down. It's not on her taking neighbour's kids to the park and not her grandaughter.