Problems at Pre-school

[mountainboo]

My son began attending pre-school in April when he had just turned three. Prior to this he had never been cared for by anyone but us so it was a huge step for the three of us, but one we thought was extremely important for his development.

For the first few weeks everything went very well but then he began making remarks that other boys were hitting him. Naturally we followed this up with the school but they always assured us he wasn't being picked on but that there was a group who had difficulties sharing. Within the last few weeks our son's behavior has changed quite dramatically at home and he has been hitting me or squeezing my arms out of frustration or anger, saying that a boy at school does that to him. He has also been very defiant and his claims about other boys hitting him has increased. Again we took this up with the school. They told us that it is now to the contrary, and our son is in fact instigating these altercations (for want of a better word). They also inferred that we should not believe what he says. I think it's important to say that he mixes with children who are all well above the age of four. Our son is regularly mistaken for a five year old due to his height.

We are very concerned about this. On one occasion when I was at the school, my son was playing happily with a toy and one child from a group that appears to have taken a dislike to our son snatched it from him. My son instinctively went to strike the boy, however both myself and the assistant stopped him. Following this my son screamed and turned to me saying that the boy had 'smashed' him in the eye. A red mark appeared immediately afterwards under my son's eye, however I didn't witness it. I comforted him but the assistant just said to our son 'you've got to share'. She didn't reprimand the other child for snatching which is what initially caused the problem. Today my husband arrived to collect my son and discovered that he had pulled at another boy's jumper, leading that boy to hit our son in the face with a tractor. The assistant spoke to our son for his behaviour, which was of course justified considering he pulled the boy's jumper. However the boy was not spoken to for hitting our son with the tractor in retaliation.

Our concerns are that they are not witnessing everything that is happening to our son. He has always been extremely sensitive and has never had a problem with sharing. Whilst I'm sure many will think I am being biased, something isn't right here.

We were also advised by the manager to refrain from giving our son toys like knights and pirates!

[nannybooby]

At the pre school your son should have been given a key worker who will be responsile for monitoring his behaviour and welfare ,you will have been told their name so have a word with them ask each time you pick him up what has happened that day. If they know you are monitoring the situation you might find a more acurate picture emerging. Tell them that he isnt like it at home . Also this is learnt behaviour it doesnt just drop into a childs brain -hes seen someone do it and copied. Tell them that you are concerned and what do they recomend you will back them ! That also puts them on the back foot to monitor the situation closer. Dont get down hearted most children have some kind of problem like this kicking biteing spitting etc just keep calm and try to nip it in the bud dont make a big thing about it to him just say we dont like this kind of behaviour hitting isnt nice and you know he is a good boy and wont hit anyone -especially someone smaller than he is. Good luck

[LoftyLottie]

I shouldn't say it, but I will. Why is it necessary that a child of barely three has to go to a pre-school (unless of course it's absolutely necessary)? A child of three is best being introduced to socilalising and getting used to the company of other children whilst still having Mum or Dad around for consistency with behaviour. There are such things as playgroups where parents are expected to stay.

Personally, I would take him away and have a rethink.

I don't mean to be rude, but I don't think your son is getting any benefit from this whatsoever.

[brenda]

I agree totally with Lofty.What nonsense --- pre -school.This child seems very unhappy and is undergoing many situations which are beyond his understanding.
He would be far happier in a playgroup , where he can socialise and learn at the same time, through play.
I do not know why he is in a pre school scenario and it may be the only option --- if that is the case then the child's position is very sad indeed.
I expect to be deluged with pro pre school comments , but this is my view.

[mountainboo]

I understand your comments and thank you. We were under a great deal of pressure by many people to put him into pre-school. At the age of three we gave in and were under the impression that it was extremely important for his development as he starts school in a year. It is not essential for him to be there as my husband works from home and I am a student at home. He seems happy there, I just don't think he is treated fairly. I will re-consider pre-school.

[sherrardk]

I know people think my youngest two should be in nursery but it is our (well, my) decision not to send them yet. They are 3 years 4 months old and I am still not sure if I will send them in September either. Each child is different but if you feel unhappy with the nursery (rather than your son actually going to a nursery) maybe you could look for another place for him to go?

[leanne_1987]

if your home in the day instead of putting him in pre school why not take him to some mother and toddler groups run by sure start, that way you will be around if there are any problems and see how he gets on, i tried my daughter in creche one day and she sobbed for the full 4 hours never put her in again, shes at nursery atm and loves it but shes really shy so i've taught her to stand up for herself

[redcrx]

hey MB, i presume that your lad will be having his summer break from this week. Is there another preschool that you can look at moving to in september if youre not happy where he is?
my little one is the same age, she is picking up rough play from kids at her preschool too but she is doing so well in the environment there. But the key workers are great, they will monitor situations and also have one to one chats with the kids, their anti bullying policy works too (i had issues with my eldest being bullied by one lad years ago) and they are clued up as to which kids cause trouble and how to deal with them.
problem is though that no matter how good they are they cant see everything that goes on, as you probably know even as a mum with just one child to watch its difficult. But if youdont trust them to be making right moves for your child then you have to decide to leave, move or try again in september when maybe some of the older children havre moved onwards.
good luck

[LoftyLottie]

It seems to be modern thinking that all kids should have preschool education and parents get pressurised and think they are doing something wrong if their kids aren't in nursery or pre school or whatever.

I think that is a load of nonsense. If kids have sensible parents who make sure they socialise with others and provide the opportunities for kids to do things with other kids, whilst still having parents as their main carers who provide the ground rules for behaviour then I feel quite sure that this is the best way.

I appreciate that many parents have no other options. But you obviously do. Do what you feel is best for your child.

Also, in my opinion, sometimes nurseries and preschools actually make kids more badly behaved and less confident. To many sets of ground rules.

Kids who mix with others and go to playgroups settle into school very quickly. I know from experience. They don't need 'schooling' at three years old. Their education should be from life experience at this age to equip them when they are older. Children in nurseries are not getting all round experience.

Only my opinion though! ;o)

[GillyGee]

Be strong and don't give into peer pressure. Children are precious and he is your son and only you know what is right and wrong for him. In my opinion childhood is to short these days anyway. I agree with Loftylottie there is much to be said for a gentler introduction to socialising and with you there to start with, I am sure your son will revert to the happy chappy he was before this nightmare scenario entered his life

[sophie_1003]

If you didn't really want him at pre-school in the forst place the I would agree with the other suggestions. But if it's something you want to continue with I would suggest asking if there's somewhere you could sit and observe a session (without your son knowing) to see what is happening; that way you will have more clout against the staff than your sons word. However; the way the pre-school is dealing with this doesn't seem to be the best so ou may be better off trying somewhere else; the advice about what toys you give him seems particularly strange; I've never been in a setting that would think it appropriate to advise on the type of toys childre are allowed at home!

[Tezzabell]

I totally understand your concerns, I would be worried about this situation too. As a mother, I always vow to go by my instincts....I have been ultra persistent with my doctor when i've thought my daughter was ill because i'd rather follow my instinct and be wrong than not follow it and wish i had!

Is the pre-school on holiday now or is he attending through the holidays. I genuinely would try a different pre-school (if possible, obviously).


Of course as parents we are biased, but were supposed to be, aren't we. If you're not happy that everything is okay, you should at least arrange a meeting to discuss further and fully.

My daughter started pre-school aged 3, last year and thankfully settled in great, but i found her starting stressful enough anyway (more for me than her), that if something was wrong, i'd tried to sort it out and still i wasn't happy, i think i'd pull her out - as i dont think i could face leaving her there. whilst i am trying to encourage her to have independance and confidence, she is still my baby.

Good luck with this situation, x