Finished with married man and desperately upset

[sallyann16]

A few months ago I posted that I had been seeing a married man for over two years and that I wanted to break free, but was finding it desperately hard to do so. Your comments were all similar in that it was heading nowhere but heartbreak.
Today I finally managed to end the relationship, after many, many false starts in which I would always take him back.
We hadn't actually met up for over a year. His wife was constantly ill and it meant she was at home all day and he couldn't risk my travelling the 150 miles to meet him for a few hours in case she was suspicious. She had found out about us early on, but they decided to stay together for the sake of the children and he pretended to her it was over with me.
She, meanwhile, led a full social life with weekends away, but didn't trust her husband to do the same and he was terrified he'd be found out again and kicked out of the house.
So anyway this non-meeting but daily calls and texts went on for a year, and finally this week he said he could drive to see me at the weekend. I've got things planned and told him so, and asked how he could possibly get away without suspicion if he wouldn't let me pop up during the week?
I realised then that, although I had longed to see him, the reality meant more lying to his wife and more deception, and I would still be left without him as he went back to her after his visit.
So I told him I can't do this anymore. I told him that his marriage is obviously still viable and that even though he classifies himself as separated, that isn't the case at all. He still pretends he is a faithful husband and panders to her every whim, and I simply can't do it anymore.
It's been a terrible ending, and not the one I envisaged at all. He wants nothing to do with me anymore after all my false endings in the past, and I just need some support in getting over this. He was such a massive part of my life and although I have a busy life he was a touchstone each day, a friend to chat to and we really did have a special bond.
Any help here would be hugely appreciated. I feel like I'm in mourning.

[ummmm]

Yes, I am. And I think yours is a little outdated ;-)

[tamborine]

He can now concentrate on his children & wife - your text missives will be deleted off his phone as he moves on; you can do the same.

[sallyann16]

Ummm, I agree, it wasn't a real relationship anymore. It was when we first met - they were actually physically separating and both seeing divorce solicitors, and I was actually a real person in the saga. But then one or other of them got cold feet and gradually the doors closed. Mrs would ring me screaming and telling me all sorts of things, he would beg me not to believe her. I should've got out then of course. And Ellie yes a very dishonest man and I was dishonest too in going along with the deception.

[ummmm]

You didn't make vows to him in the eyes of the law.

[whiskeryron]

I'm sorry to throw cold water on this thread, but I cannot see anywhere any thought or sympathy for this man's wife,surely both sallyann & the man she has been going with are outrageously guilty of adultery without giving a thought to the woman he promised to honor & protect.Sorry I have no sympathy for you sallyann16.
Ron.

[sallyann16]

It's his desperate hurt that I find so hard. He can't understand my problem, he can't see my point of views. In his eyes, his marriage is over and he's staying there for the children - what's the problem? I don't think he would ever understand, though.

[sallyann16]

Quite right WhiskeryRon, I agree - she has been painted as such an evil, selfish cow that I barely gave her a thought either. But he's chosen to stay with her, so she must have something. Thank you for the reality check.

[ummmm]

Ron - If the mans wife posted her own version I'm sure she'd get sympathy. She hasn't...so we can't comment on that.

[Sqad]

sallyanne....don't worry, this thread will be packed with posts that will indeed "see your point of view"

<<<In his eyes, his marriage is over and he's staying there for the children >>

A not uncommon situation in the field of adultery.

[jackthehat]

Correction.........

"A not uncommon *story* in the field of adultery".

[Sqad]

JTH...I stand corrected.

[Canary42]

You shouldn't be mourning, but celebrating wresting yourself away from the influence of the cheating shyster.

What makes you believe he's being honest with you while lying to his sick wife?
His concerns weren't based on the consequences of his wife finding out (she already knows) but on you finding out about the other bit on the side he's got much nearer home.

Good luck in the future.

[andy-hughes]

Sqad - thank you for your kind words - I just start typing, and what comes into my mind goes into my post. I type very quickly, so I can more or less think my answer and get it down simultaniously. When I have finished what I am saying, I stop - it's that easy for me, and I know I am very lucky to be able to do that.

daisya - thank you for your kind words as well - and your perceptive reading, yes my response is based on experience.

[sallyann16]

I would absolutely love to find out he's been lying to me, that he still sleeps with his wife. I was never able to verify such a fact, and harbouring that suspicion is worse than actually finding out the truth. How would I ever be able to find out? I have thoughts of getting someone to post on her Facebook page, pretend they know her, ask her some casual questions. Any volunteers??

[cazzz1975]

good on you for being brave enough to walk away, his problems in his marriage are not your problem anymore. I am sure you can do better.

[ummmm]

Nar....let it go now. That would just drag it out and make you feel worse. You've made the decision so try and stop caring about what he got up to.

[Canary42]

Forget all about him Sal, MOVE ON.

[cazzz1975]

sallyann, why wouldnt he sleep with his wife? part of moving on is letting go of this type of stuff. whatever he has told you you can be certain that he probably does sleep with his wife...and why shouldnt he, she is his wife

[Sqad]

sallyann.....you must be joking.....spill the beans and investigate another man....not on your life.

Off to my Club now (Men Only) but will bring back some opinions after discussing your case.

[whiskeryron]

Are you really off your head, this is a man's legal wife you are talking about

//Question Author
I would absolutely love to find out he's been lying to me, that he still sleeps with his wife. I was never able to verify such a fact//