Living with dirty messy people.

[Pro_sparky]

Hello all,
Has anyone lived with messy people or family?
I'm a guy and have lived with my partner and her 3 kids for over 13yrs and her mess has just broke me down.I constantly have to argue with her to tidy her mess up, i can give you some examples, dirty washing all over the house including dirty clothes piled up on the dining table and under it which are left there for WEEKS, dirty plates and cups under the sofa also left for weeks,she never cooks,cleans,shops,feeds the dog,takes the recycling or rubbish out,old letters and junk piled up for 6 months,she does not do anything around the house. Her 3 children are exactly the same, you cannot get into any of their bedrooms because there is junk and rubbish crammed in behind the doors and even on the beds. I have spoke to them and even to the point of shouting at them every few weeks but nothing gets through. We gutted the house and spent 25grand renovating it a yr ago from top to bottom which i done most of the work myself and the mess started coming back 3 wks after the work was finished which led to more shouting and arguing. I work 10hrs a day and do everything when i get home, i'm not saying my partner is lazy as she works equally as hard and earns nearly double what i do, but it's like she comes home and goes "oh to hell with it" then lies around and goes to bed. I'm sure most would say "don't clean" but believe me, that would be a bad thing. I went on holiday last year with friends for 2 wks and the house was trashed by the time i got back,no housework had been done and the dog looked thinner, and that's no joke. Do i need to move on because i can't get through to them,they do not respect me and they won't change?
Thanks,
Sparky

[I.Don No]

I can only say what I would do if I was in this situation. I would, in view of all the work you put in at home, get the whole family together and calmly - if that is possible- state your case making sure that they know what you want them to do and give a time limit.....and mean it....and state what you WILL do if they do not pull their weight around the place by the time the time limit is reached.

good luck, especially if your house looks like the ones Kim and Aggie used to deal with.

[joko]

do you clean and tidy up?

how did you know there are plates under the sofa? you knew they were there an just left them there?

why dont you move the clothes?
you say you get home and do every thing - but what are you actually doing if the house is like that?

i am not defending her at all... but i am messy too and i have lived with someone who believed they didnt have to do anything, and that i should keep house as i was female...they did nothing but gripe about the mess, yet made no effort themselves (they didnt last long)

i do not have dishes under the couch etc but i do have a lot of stuff

in terms of tidying up and managing it...maybe rather than trying to shout it out of her, which you cant do as is clear - try to make it easier for her to manage it...go and buy a proper linen basket - maybe a few of them, carrying one and standing one - and buy shelving, nice looking storage boxes, units, under bed units etc etc...whatever you can think of to control it a bit.
you may not like extra furniture but utilise space such as under the stairs or high up around the hallways etc...
buy a dishwasher...even a small tabletop one

i find storage is the biggest help

if you love her, it would be a shame to give up on her because of this.

(as for the kids, lots of kids are messy, just leave them to it)

[craft1948]

Pay for a cleaner if you both work long hours.........

[Pro_sparky]

Ok, If i don't tidy up, things are left for weeks, that's how i know the house will not get tidied.I left the dirty washing on the dining table and plates under the sofa to see if they would get moved and they never get moved unless i shout shift it or shift it myself.My partner doesn't even wash her own clothes,she just buys new stuff all the time if i leave her washing.She has more clothes than beyonce. As for kim and aggie, even they might have a job on their hands with the kids bedrooms. Anyone remember Mr Trebus from that life of grime program on bbc tv in the 1990's? I have left them to make as much mess of their rooms as they want but it gets a bit annoying when you have to look for plates,cups and cutlery every week covered in mouldy food just to be able to serve some food on. I forgot to say the kids are 17,19 and 21 yr old students and they all have part time jobs and none of them pay rent or board either.
Thankyou joko and I.Don No. i will keep calm and try things.

[trt]

How come you went on holiday last year with friends for 2 weeks?

Thats no excuse for a dirty house, but why couldn't she have gone with with you?

[tillyh345]

If this isnt a wind up...Id be off!!!

[Ric.ror]

Well there's a few options here IMO
Get a cleaner
Pay the kids to do it
Diy
Pack your bags
Can it really bother you though as you have done nothing about it got 13 years

[venator]

Get a garden shed and move into it for as long as it takes. They will have to eat, and when the smell gets bad enough, they will have to clean or die!

[ummmm]

Phone Kim and Aggie...

[mumsie_wumsie]

Seems the more you do for them all, the more they will let you. Let them get on with it, perhaps they like living in a mess.

[tiggerblue10]

I would move on and take the dog as well.

[Snafu03]

I feel your pain mate. Am in a very similar scenario to you.

What are her parents like? equally messy? Sometimes behaviour is 'learnt' from parents and theres not alot you can do about it, its how thy are.

Makes you resent whenever you do something to the house, like buy a new bit of furniture, some carpet or whatever - it never gets looked after or appreciated.

Sorry I dont have the answers. TBH I've had to lower my expectations as they wont raise theirs. Reading your story was hit home to me, it couldve been me writing that.

[Squitty]

Same here Snafu - I could have written that. I wait till she's out and clean it all up for hours just to see it back again in a few days. disheartening.

[mike11111]

I don't call that messy, sheer sluttishness. Why not mention casually one morning that the vicar will be calling in for tea later. If that does not galvanise her into action then I'm afraid it's a lost cause.

[notasyoungasiwas]

I couldn't live with someone like that and I'd be worried about the poor dog, who sounds neglected to me. I have to agree with tiggerblue.

[Ankou]

why not buy them a weekend away, hire a skip then have a clear out.

if there is fall out or further trashing from then on, leave.

[Old_Geezer]

I'm unsure you can suggest they don't respect you because they won't change. They are probably just as justified to say you don't respect them because you want them to change.

If you are that incompatible why are you together ?

[Pro_sparky]

Thanks for all your comments,even the funny ones Venator.I didn't realise garden sheds were that expensive lol.
i have spoke to a lot of friends/people about this and people have to want to change. I used to clean the house cos everyone deserves to live in a clean environment, but now i clean it cos I want it clean and don't want to live in a dump. To Snafu03, i lowered my expectations over 7 yrs ago buddy. Her parents are both dead, my partners mother was an alcoholic and her dad died when she was 14 from liver problems(possibly alcohol related). All her problems are psychological i'm convinced,but can anyone even dream of leaving their dirty tights,socks and underwear and clothes on a dining table? If there's a space in our house,someone will try and fill it with something.
I'm thinking old geezer may have summed up in his final statement but when her kids don't contribute anything to the house moneywise or pull their weight then a house has no rules.Should my partner be setting rules cos i'm not their real dad? No because her kids have copied her for so long they couldn't give a toss cos their mother doesn't.Working progress or not,I don't think i will win tbh.
Thankyou all for you comments.

[boxtops]

I looked at this because I am the untidiest of people, and like joko, I have a huge amount of stuff. Dust doesn't bother me, but all our washing gets done, and the dishes - but otherwise I know that my untidiness bothers other people - it doesn't bother me until I can't find something. Your lady and her kids though, do seem to be taking the pee. What a waste of money to keep buying new clothes!
She won't change, I'm afraid, not while you are following her round with the tidy basket.