Families!

[silly moo]

Do any of you still remember hurtful things said to you as children?
My grandmother , at my sister's wedding , said I would never make such a lovely bride. It was obvious my sister got the looks and I got the brains.
Even now 37 yrs later it still hurts.

[mr. piper]

yes SM, i definitely understand your feelings about this. I have many of these little comments to ponder over in my darker times. my brother is a fireman, a pillar of the community, i have always had the "why couldn't you have been as decent as **** is" just because i chose a different path in life doesn't make me any lesser a person, whatever it just seems that your family should be the last ones to hurt your feelings, yet they let you down every time. one of my colleagues trod on a land mine in burkino faso. My parents refused to go to his funeral even though he had met them and been more than a gentleman to them. Yet when one of my brothers crew died in a factory fire they went to the funeral, they had never met him.

i could go on, but safe to say i understand totally where you are coming from, i always think "what goes around comes around"

just one more thing, i have lost part of the left side of my face, i am used to it and so are my mates, but one day last year as i went to visit my cousin in the morning, as i walked on my sticks from the car, she came running out and asked me not to come in as her little girl was going to a nursery unit on her own for the first time and the sight of me would upset her. you know how much that hurt i imagine. she had seen me lots of times. nevermind. chin up babe!

[funkychicken]

when I was 7 I was going to be the only bridesmaid at my uncles wedding, on my first meeting with the bride (we hadn't met before as we lived in north wales and they lived in london) before the wedding she said "oh, I thought you'd be much prettier"

10 years on she regularly calls me a bitch and a cow, just because I don't do what she wants me to do, but thats the kinda person she is. Rather unluckily for me they're coming today to stay for a week.........

[Englishbird]

I do understand what you mean, but you have to try and take a step back and realise that the problem lies with the people who say things like that, not with you.  It is an individual person, with an individual perspective, and one that is often wrong!! It doesn't mean that you are not pretty enough or clever enough or decent enough, it means you're different and the older generations in particular could do with understanding how hurtful these things can be.  I was 14 and wearing a brown t-shirt and my grandmothers comment was " hmm, not many people can wear that colour dear" I think i was a bit taken aback at the time, but now i just find it funny.  She can't really critisize me whilst wearing her gold lame shoes can she!  The other one was telling my mother that someone had said i was absolutely beautiful to which her reply was "oh i don't think i'd go that far" !!?? thanks mum!

[Little Lady]

My word they are all so horrid! People can be right....Grrrrr i wont displell my anger they are not worth it! I don't understand why people put others down so much it really gripes me. I was bullied badly at school for about 4-5 years of my schooling that has certainly shaped me somewhat. i couldn't even tell you to this day why any of it started i was always generally nice to everyone.

[FP]

My mother never failed to criticise anything I did that she disapproved of. always wanting me to meet her standards.  It's only it later life that I have realised how badly this affected me and how hurt I was at times. 

I never forget buying myself a dress when I was 17 that I really loved and her saying 'You shouldn't wear that with your colouring'.  I avoided dark pink for about 20 years until I suddenly realised it suited me and have had lots of compliments whenever I wear it. 

Why is it that some parents and grandparents think they are at liberty to be rude to you and yet would be mortified if you said similar things to them! 

[Robinia]

I don't feel good about critisising my mum now she's gone but she was a very negative person in many ways.  I was told I was lazy, would never make a wife/mother etc & would grow up to be like auntie so-and-so (who actually seems ok to me). Friends always had faults - as well they may but you need to find out for yourself & have someone to comfort you after they've let you down. Things I wanted to do were seen as unrealistic. 

Ironically, when I was desperately ill  she had complete faith in me. She was convinced was that I could beat it &  was going to survive.

 As FP says it takes a long time to realise how it's affected your life.

[Scarlett]

You can't choose your family... They are often the people you see the most yet they feel it is reasonable to be rude and horrible! My sister is far more rude and nasty to me than ANYONE else in the rest of my life would be! Yet I have to put up with it. My Mum is body fascist, even though she has produced three kids all with eating disorders. Because she is has a normal relationship with food she just doesn't understand ours! And yes, it is horrible when you she tells me not to wear black all the time, and how nice and slim so-and-so is... I think the main thing is to SPEAK UP when you feel offended!! They will never learn otherwise!!

By the way, I met my Uncle at my Grandad's funeral a few years ago, and all he said on meeting me was (to my parents, in front of me) "She's a big girl, isn't she?". I was SO angry! It upset me more than the funeral did!! Honestly, you expect adults to be adult!!

[FP]

Following Scarlett's posting - Only a few months ago, an elderly friend and my mother, in front of me and at my mothers home, decided it was OK to have a conversation on how much weight I had put on!    It made me feel just great (not).  I think a lot of elderly people revert to being as nasty as very young children can be to others.  I just hope I don't end up that way.

Sorry, silly moo, I have diverted from your question

[Chillum]

I remember one particularly insensitive (stupid) woman said to me when I was 5 or 6 "Oh, you're Nessie's youngest are you? that's right, you were a mistake" Unbelievable.

[silly moo]

FP - my mum finally stopped greeting me with 'you've put weight on' when I snapped back one day, telling her it would be nice if she could say hello for once, actualy I had lost weight, and that she had a lot to talk about with her size these days.
Childish I know but it seemed to work.
I hope I've been better with my own daughters.

[FP]

The awful thing is, silly moo, I have put on weight due to taking antidepressants as a result of the way she has been treating me for the last twenty odd years! 

I am very careful that I don't act in this manner with my 22 year old son.  However, he simply wouldn't let me.  Times have changed and kids these days are not so much in awe of their parents.  Good thing too! 

[Oneeyedvic]

"you can't pick your family...."

I do - I have completely stopped talking to most of my family. Easy!

I now don't have to put up with everything from "well since you didn't go to university I could never be proud of you" (mother) to my father helping a cousin of mine come over to this country illegally (borrowing a passport).

Can't be bothered with any of the prats and don't let it bother me - much easier!

[dirtyharriet]

I too have cut myself off from my family. After years of abuse and put downs, you don't HAVE to take it. Just because you happen to be related to someone doesn't mean that you have to put up with their nasty and horrible behaviour.
I am so sorry to hear about the awful things you have all had said to you. I still think of myself as being ugly,fat,thick and not as good as my sister due to nasty and thoughtless comments by family members.. My partner tells me every day that he loves me and I still have trouble believing that ANYONE could.

I hope to God I'm a better parent.

[dmsjps]

Yeah, loads of them, mainly from my dad: I was the most disgusting, ignorant, ungrateful, pathetic waste of time anyone could ever have the misfortune to have as a daughter. Strangely enough, when we lost mum he turned to me and we became really close.

Tell you what though, no matter what he said, it never really hurt me as much as what one of my 17-year old son's friends said about me recently: 'Mum, *** says you're really pretty ... for a fossil!' Not that I want to be found attractive by teenager; it just made me feel so old and crusty!

[toecrusher]

when i was about 7 or eight, my auntie owned a beetle car (think thats what it was) she used to call it fat pat because it reminded her of me!

[indian]

yep, all th hurtful things and actions too. when i was youger all my brothers and sisters ganged up on me and treated me like ****, and my parents did nothing about it. Its messed me up so much in the long run.

[magicdice]

my older sister got both the looks AND the brains, and she's hard-working & lovely in every way, and gets on well with everyone.

and then there's me!