Positive thinKing and help needed for a friend please!

[GillyGee]

3 years ago a very close friend was unfortunate to suffer from a miscarriage, she was in her early 40s. Each year she has sat at home on the anniversary date and cried all day. I do understand her loss, especially as at her age she decided that they wouldn't try again as she couldn't cope with the trauma should another miscarriage happen.

My question is how can I help her use the day to commemorate her loss in a more positive way that will make her feel better and enable her to move forward with this anniversary. I realise this is a very sensitive subject and would appreciate receiving only positive answers, thank you!

[weecalf]

Sometime theres little can be done or said .In other stressful situations I have found that by helping other in the same situation .Perhaps she could try to join a group that maybe deals with or helps others in the same situation .We have lost family members through early death and found doing sponsored walks ect or in any other way helps us as well those needing the help .When this lady speaks to others in the same position she can say and mean "I do know how you feel ..That maybe of some small help Good luck

[bednobs]

having lost two children (although not to miscarriage) i would be really cross if one of my friends wanted to help me "move on" or "be more positive", like they thought the way i was grieving was in someway wrong. Especially if i hadn't asked them for help. Even if they did think it was wrong i would say it's none of their effing business how i grieve and i would like them to keep it to themselves. If your friend wants to grieve in a more positive (to you) way then she will, it can't be imposed on her by someone else!
Clearly the way she likes to remember what could have been is by being sad on this one day. I would say to you leave her to it.
I know you wanted only positive answers, so i'll end on a positive note. You could always just ask her if she wants to do something with you on that day. If she does, then work out something between you. If she dosen't, leave her to it

[fliptheswitch]

I think it's really lovely that you want to help your friend in this way and try to make her feel better.
However, I do agree with bednobs on this, and think you should really leave her to grieve the way she wants to.
People cope differently when it comes to mourning a loss, and your way of coping may be completely different to her way of dealing with it.
I don't think her "sitting at home all day and crying" on this date, is abnormal. I think lots of people would choose to do this over something more "positive".

As I said, I think it's really nice that you obviously just want to try and help her but I'd be a bit careful about what you say, really. She may get offended if she thinks you're trying to get her to "move on".

As you say, it's such a sensitive subject...

[GillyGee]

Thank you I have taken all these answers on board and think with hindsight it is best to leave well alone, it would seem that the best I can do is let her know I will be there for her if she needs me, again many thanks to the 3 contributors.

[Carakeel]

I have to agree with bednobs too. I have also lost a child and it is vital that you respect your friend's needs in this. Your conclusion is the right one, let her know you are there for her, but also let her deal with this situation as she needs to. My son died many years ago, but I still get desperately sad and cry a lot on the anniversary of his death. In fact, at any time, I can get upset and cry if something sparks off a memory of him in some way, simply because I have never stopped missing him. Knowing that a friend cares and tries to understand is a wonderful thing. But we each have to deal with this kind of tragedy in our own way. You are a lovely friend to care so much though.

[naomi24]

What the others here have said is right - and I do speak from experience. Just be her friend.

[joko]

perhaps you could help her make the date mean something else...like an annual trip to plant a new tree... or a fundraising day - shed need help to get herself into it...but somethign to occupy her on that day that will give her a sense of importance and wellbeing will help take her mind off it a bit...

would it help her to visit a childrens home or hosptial? take them some toys etc ...or would that make her feel worse?