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Thanks bednobs, I hoped you'd see this. I should have gone back a lot sooner than I did and not just let myself struggle with it getting harder and harder. I just feel so useless sometimes and just stress and beat myself up all the time about stuff. I knew things were bad but it hit home a bit more when I saw how my consultant viewed it.
You are so right about work. I always seem to put it before my own health and sanity to a degree where frieds and family had admitted how worried it's got them. I've been badly affected work wise due to the recession and ended up temping and have now been taken on properly. It's hugely difference to what I had been doing, very junior and over half my former salary which has been very hard going to adjust to and get by on but it's a lovely place to work, decent set hours per week with flexi time, a huge difference!
I was working ridiculous hours before in stressful high pressure environments where you don't do ill. I know friends and family had got really worried but I just kept pushing myself. I look back now and really wonder how much of it was worth it.
It's a bit like enforced rehab and as it's public sector I've had my first Occupational Health assessment ever and it's quite a revelation to have that sense of being looked after and having a job I can leave in the office at the end of the day.
I'm a beggar for not taking time off/out, in fact tomorrow is the first day's holiday I've taken since I started this job in February and if I didn't have something on I wouldn't have taken that off. Another factor is that I've sold them back to help financially but hopefully things will improve in that department.
I don't take the Fosters but I know that I can bring things up if I need to like getting a wrist rest, OH saying I should take regular movement breaks etc... My manager makes sure I know I can speak to him and get help if I'm having a bad day, me being me I don't tend to but knowing I can is good, it's a start knowing I can be open about things and get help rather than trying to hide it :).
I stress myself out ridiculously over things like my house and garden, it's just a constant niggle for me and something I need to work on badly. Hopefully when things are a bit better financially I'll move somewhere more manageable or at least be able to get more help with things. It's just me and the cats so it's all on me and I'm at the point now where, if I had the money I'd definitely pay for some help.
I am getting better at asking for (and actually accepting) help, depending on what it is, though still a long way to go. I was chatting with a friend about this earlier at the pub in fact and have now spoken about it with my mum a few times recently. So much help is there, it's just me getting me to actually take it forwards and accept it and organise it.
I am rubbish at looking after myself and am often so exhausted in the evenings I don't bother much with eating properly, more cheap and convenient so I can get crashed on the sofa sooner. Similarly getting up and out, I get up and out with minimal effort (though always shower and wash my hair) and then it gets me down how I look so much less like I've made an effort than I used to when I'd do my hair nice, put more make up on, dress up more etc... I have fantastic friends and try and save some energy for getting out and seeing them, again at the expense of other things which then stresses me out.
I'm not sure what's with the infections, they aren't connected to the drugs as had them before and when off them as well, just worried it will make them worse.
I noticed this morning my rhumatology dept are doing sessions where you can go and listen to presentations, speak to the nurses and physios, get more info on the condition, treatments etc... I'm hoping to get signed up on one of those and it'd be nice to meet others, especially people of a similar age with simlar problems, think it'd do me good.